- Artie Abrams: Um, excuse me. Why is she here?
- Brittany Pierce: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor.
- Artie Abrams: [before "Can't Touch This" in library] I'm kind of getting cold feet here.
- Brittany Pierce: Can you even feel your feet?
- Sue Sylvester: [from having "Physical" video posted online] That video has received over a hundred and seventy thousand comments. I took the liberty of printing out a few
- Principal Figgins: [reading comment] The man in this video looks like the champion cheerleading coach, Sue Sylvester.
- Sue Sylvester: That was particularly hurtful.
- Brenda Castle: Well, look who it is. I thought I smelled a laughing stock.
- Sue Sylvester: Don't start with me Castle, or I will kick you square in the taco
- Brenda Castle, Sue Sylvester: It's a date. That's just a typical night in the Castle condo.
- Will Schuester: I know you're behind the Glist.
- Quinn Fabray: You have no proof. I can't believe that you're gonna pin this on me. I'll be expelled. I mean, it makes sense. Everything else has been taken from me; my popularity, my body. Might as well throw away my education.
- Will Schuester: You know when I realized that you did it? The moment I felt what it was like to walk in your shoes. I mean, it takes years to build a good reputation, but only seconds to destroy it. Couple of bad choices, and you go from the top to the bottom. You have lost so much, Quinn. Which means you had the most to gain from the Glist.
- Quinn Fabray: I never meant to hurt anybody.
- Will Schuester: I know.
- Quinn Fabray: I... I was captain of the cheerleeding squad, president of the Celibacy Club. I had Finn. People would part like the Red Sea when I walked down the hallway. Now I'm invisible.
- Will Schuester: And you think being seen as a cheap tramp is better?
- Quinn Fabray: A bad reputation is better than no reputation at all.
- Will Schuester: Look, I know that high school feels like your whole life right now, but it's going to end. You're going to give that baby to a family who really wants it, who's going to love it, and then you are going to go on to do amazing things, Quinn.
- Quinn Fabray: You really think that I can get it all back one day?
- Will Schuester: No. I think you can get something even better. I mean, come on. You're Quinn Fabray, right? I mean, those people didn't part when you walked down the halls; you moved them with your attitude.
- Quinn Fabray: Thanks, Mr. Schue. You're a really good teacher. Even if everybody is calling you a man-whore.
- Artie Abrams: Remember, if Sylvester hits you in the face after you cop to posting the video, don't scream like a woman.
- Mercedes Jones: You're so brave for doing this, Kurt.
- Kurt Hummel: I know. Thank you.
- Will Schuester: Look, I know you know something! So we're not leaving here until I get some answers.
- Kurt Hummel: Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?
- Will Schuester: [exasperated sigh] Shoot.
- Kurt Hummel: Ever since you separated from your wife, you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of "Law & Order", haven't you?
- [seeing his expression]
- Kurt Hummel: Hmm. Thought so. And no, I didn't make the Glist.
- Kurt Hummel: We're as menacing as Muppet Babies. Which means our squeaky-clean reputations are still very much intact.
- Artie Abrams: We have to do what we've been dreading, something more terrifying than Rachel's personality. We have to go to Sylvester and admit that we posted the "Physical" video.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: But we'll get suspended.
- Kurt Hummel: And it will be worth it. Finally the entire student body will see us as badasses.
- Rachel Berry: Are you still mad at me?
- Jesse St. James: You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you, found out your rep; what kind of girl you were.
- Rachel Berry: What did they say?
- Jesse St. James: Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky hot, but that that quality was canceled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was that, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted.
- Rachel Berry: I still am. I have this pathological need to be popular, okay? I... I just want people to think I'm cool so bad sometimes that it just clouds my judgment, okay? As a fellow star in the making, I'm... I'm sure you can understand that.
- Jesse St. James: On that level, sure. But as the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only, I just can't see past this. I should have been enough for you, Rachel.
- Rachel Berry: I knew you'd break my heart.
- Jesse St. James: Well, that's the funny thing about reputations. Everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is you broke mine first. Do me a favor. If we end up next to each other on the bar at Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piqués in silence. Don't talk to me.
- Kurt Hummel: Coach Sylvester, can I have just a minute of your time?
- Sue Sylvester: What do you want, ladyface?
- Kurt Hummel: You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet, causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe and pill drawer. We posted it online. We'll accept whatever punishment you see fit.
- Sue Sylvester: So it was you. I can't thank you enough.
- [Kurt looks around at the others, confused; cut to them in a classroom]
- Artie Abrams: She wasn't angry at all. It was weird.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Maybe the comments online have gotten so mean, people have started to feel sorry for her. She's finally getting some sympathy, so she's in a forgiving mood.
- Artie Abrams: It's simple math, Mr. Schue. The Glists are posted at a height of five and a half feet, comfortably out of my reach. It could not have been me.
- Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me.
- Will Schuester: Oh, hey, Em. Can you just give us a sec?
- Emma Pillsbury: Actually, no, Will, I can't give you a sec. You're just going to have to reschedule your heavy petting session with Mrs. Carlisle for a later time.
- Will Schuester: Emma!
- Mrs. Carlisle: I beg your pardon? I was just telling Mr. Schuester about how my husband recently died.
- Emma Pillsbury: Wow. Getting them fresh off the rebound now, aren't you? Amazing. Nobody's safe. Nobody is safe.
- Will Schuester: Emma, can I talk to you in private?
- Emma Pillsbury: No, you can't, Will. We're gonna talk about this here and now, because I have absolutely nothing to hide. Actually, did you know I was seeing a therapist? Do you know that? Did you know I've been trying to work through my OCD so I could be with you? Will, do you think that's fun for me? It's not fun; it's absolutely humiliating. And come to find out you've been fooling around with some woman named Shelby, and you slept with April Rhodes.
- Will Schuester: How did you find out about that?
- Emma Pillsbury: You're not denying it. Wow, okay. See, I thought we were trying to work through this. I thought when you said you were trying to figure things out on your own, I thought you meant that. I'm not going to stand for this anymore. I'm not. I'm putting my foot down, and I am finally sticking up for myself. You're a slut, Will. You're a slut. You're a slut, you're a slut, you're a slut. Everybody should know that. And you should know that I'm through with you.
- [empathetically to Mrs. Carlisle]
- Emma Pillsbury: I'm very sorry for your loss.
- Sue Sylvester: [passing Schue in the hall] Hey, man-whore.
- Brenda Castle: Will Schuester?
- Will Schuester: Yeah.
- Brenda Castle: I'm Brenda Castle. I'm the new astronomy teacher and badminton coach. I also happen to be an alcoholic, and... I like pills. I hear that's just your type. Let's go in this classroom and pork!
- Will Schuester: [pulling away] No.
- Principal Figgins: I am praying for you, William. We've all heard about your gallivanting!
- Will Schuester: But nothing happened!
- Ken Tanaka: Maybe that's not what matters, Will. You broke the heart of somebody who doesn't let people get close to her.
- Will Schuester: I didn't mean to hurt anybody.
- Ken Tanaka: You probably didn't mean to hurt me, either, but lately I've been feeding my feelings to the tune of 6,000 calories a day.
- Sue Sylvester: [passing Will again] Slut.
- Will Schuester: Who did it? This is serious. Principal Figgins is threatening to disband the club.
- Santana Lopez: Why are we playing this game? We all know it was Puck.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Back off. I didn't do squat.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Then why is your girlfriend first on the Glist?
- Rachel Berry: And why am I last? Aside from the fact that I refused to put out for you.
- Will Schuester: Okay, enough! No one is accusing anyone of anything. Puck, seriously, did you do it?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I said no. I'm a delinquent, sure. I like setting stuff on fire and beating up people I don't know. I own that. But I'm not a liar.
- Finn Hudson: That's not Olivia Newton-John. That's... that's Sue Sylvester. Where did you get this?
- Kurt Hummel: I can tell you that I certainly did not steal it from her locked file cabinet yesterday when she sent me back to her office to get her hormone replacement injection during Cheerios practice.
- Artie Abrams: Wait, did she just do the Cabbage Patch?
- Finn Hudson: I'm posting this on YouTube.
- Rachel Berry: No, no, wait, wait. Do you think that's a good idea? She might kill us.
- Mercedes Jones: Oh, let her get a taste of some of the humiliation she put us through.
- [first lines]
- Finn Hudson: What's so funny?
- Rachel Berry: You guys aren't watching the video of me falling off stage at my first TinyTots beauty pageant, are you?
- Kurt Hummel: That was Carrot Top funny compared to this comedic tour de force.
- Jesse St. James: That's Olivia Newton-John's "Physical". It was pretty groundbreaking subject matter at the time, considering its depiction of fluid sexuality.
- Kurt Hummel: [planning to cause a disturbance in the school library] Team, listen up. If we pull this off, we will be legends at this school. We'll rocket up the Glist. We'll be top five, easy. Artie, pump up the jam. It's about to go down.
- Rachel Berry: Do you know that when we dated, the rest of the school gave us a nickname? Puckleberry.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: That's humiliating.
- Rachel Berry: The fact is that slumming it with me actually improved your reputation. It gave you a sense of humanity.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Wait. Do you want to date again? I was wondering why you invited me here.
- Rachel Berry: As you know, I'm taken. But I can be of some assistance. Help me with my song for Glee Club. I... I might be the last chance you have to salvage what's left of your reputation, and stay in Glee. Besides, you need a song that's going to help you express your inner pain.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: So what song do you want to do for your assignment?
- Rachel Berry: I've chosen David Geddes' fantastically terrible '70s top ten hit "Run Joey Run". It's a story song. So we get to play parts. I'm going to play the role of the tragic heroine who dies in the end, a la Nicole Kidman in "Moulin Rouge". And you can be the hunky, heroic male lead.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Do I get to kill you?
- Rachel Berry: Actually, my dad shoots me with a shotgun.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Do you think I made that Glist? Honestly.
- Rachel Berry: Well, it does sound like something that you would do.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: God, I'm so tired of people judging me for a few mistakes I've made. I try to be a good guy. I go to school and I say "Be cool, Puck. Be nice." But by second period, I've got a fire extinguisher in my hands and I'm spraying some dweeb with it and I don't know how I got there.
- Rachel Berry: I understand. Yeah. I sit in Glee Club and I watch a couple of imperfect performances and a litany of criticisms just start building up inside of me like a volcano and I keep telling myself to hold it in and then it just comes bursting out. Granted, generally I'm right, but doesn't do much for my reputation.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: It does suck when you do that.
- Rachel Berry: So, uh, how do you think we can get people to see us differently?
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I don't know.
- Rachel Berry: [he leans in to kiss her, but she pulls back] I can't... I can't do this.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: You know, whoever made that Glist is going to put you at number one when they find out you cheated on that Jesse kid with me. Besides, Jesse will never fully understand what it means to be a Jew.
- Rachel Berry: [he leans in again, but she stops him] Noah... I'm ironically turned on by your bad boy image, but I think we should just keep this professional.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: All right, I'm out. Why stay if there's no chance of us making out?
- Emma Pillsbury: I'm a little confused.
- Sue Sylvester: I understand. You're probably wondering "What exactly does Sue Sylvester mean when she says 'I'm your new therapist'?". Well, let me explain. As you may or may not know, I star in a little music video that's been circulating around the Web. A video that has a tendency to induce cruel, slow-motion laughter.
- Emma Pillsbury: No. No. Didn't... didn't know about that.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, this video has inspired Sue Sylvester to start giving back. I happen to have my Masters in counseling, and when I heard that our school district's one and only psychologist had committed suicide, well, I decided to volunteer my services. And they gave me your name. I'd really like to help.
- Emma Pillsbury: I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
- Sue Sylvester: Ella, you're crippled by mental illness. Your compulsions have estranged you from your own feelings. You nearly married a gym teacher who's more gravy than man. And you're content to be repeatedly lied to by the man you purport to love.
- Emma Pillsbury: I'm sorry?
- Sue Sylvester: I bribed Will Schuester's landlord to slip baby monitors under his couch, and under his bed. Turns out he's been having make-out sessions with the coach from Vocal Adrenaline, and sleepovers with that world-class banana magnet April Rhodes.
- Sue Sylvester: You need to make a bold move. You suck.
- Emma Pillsbury: Excuse me?
- Sue Sylvester: You take weird little strides when you walk, as if you were raised in imperial Japan and someone bound your feet.
- Emma Pillsbury: You make a valid point.
- Sue Sylvester: Grow a pair. I'm insulting you. You refuse to stand up for yourself, you're so afraid of confrontation.
- Emma Pillsbury: You're right.
- Sue Sylvester: If you want to get better, you need to start communicating your feelings. You need to let Will Schuester know how he's made you feel, and in a public setting, so he can't escape and he won't manipulate you. Trust me, you need to let him have it.
- Kurt Hummel: Fellow Glee Clubbers, I've called this meeting because our free-falling reps have reached terminal velocity. We are at DEFCON 1.
- Mercedes Jones: We're such zeroes, they didn't even bother putting us on the Glist.
- Kurt Hummel: What does a C-lister do when their tiny star is about to fall off Perez Hilton's radar screen? They cause a scandal so extreme they can no longer be ignored.
- Kurt Hummel: What is the worst thing a student can do at this school?
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Eat in the cafeteria?
- [she and Mercedes snicker]
- Kurt Hummel: No. Be a disruption in the library. And I'm not talking about trying to check out a reference book. Mm-mm. I'm talking about full-on chaos. Including getting your Glee on in the stacks.
- Artie Abrams: Genius.
- Sue Sylvester: [voiceover] This is not happening. The cruel, slow-motion laughter is just your imagination. You're Sue Sylvester, legend. They're not laughing at you because your "Physical" video. Just calmly pour yourself a cup of joe and focus. Wait, what's that smell? Dear god, that's coffee. It's usually masked by the smell of fear. Sweet merciful Lord, this is happening! You're being laughed at in slow motion by a roomful of inferiors whom you used to terrify.
- Brenda Castle: The name is Brenda. Brenda Castle. I just transfered from Fort Wayne. I can't teach in Indiana anymore 'cause I have some "drug problems" that ended up involving some of my "shoot-ins".
- [laughing]
- Brenda Castle: I saw your video. And you, my friend, are an embarrassment. And that's me talking!
- Rachel Berry: I need to enlist the services of the A/V Club.
- Artie Abrams: What did you have in mind?
- Rachel Berry: My shame at appearing so low on the Glist has made me re-evaluate my image at this school and beyond. I've now realized that in today's culture of bad boy athletes and celebrity sex tapes, a good reputation is no good at all. Artie, you know how our Glee Club assignment was to find a song with a bad reputation and rehabilitate it? Well, mine is going to afford me the worst reputation in this school. Rachel Berry is going to get a little down and dirty.
- Artie Abrams: I'm going to stop you. You had me at "sex tape". How can I help?
- Will Schuester: Between this and posting Coach Sylvester's personal video on YouTube, you guys are getting a pretty bad reputation.
- Artie Abrams: Why is that a bad thing? Maybe if we seem more dangerous, people would stop flushing my glasses down the toilet.
- Will Schuester: [passing out sheet music] Look, things are hard right now. I get it. You're under a lot of pressure with regionals coming up. And I know that winning sectionals hasn't had the positive effect on your popularity that a lot of you thought it would. But becoming what you despise is not the answer.
- Mercedes Jones: Man, this song is whack.
- Will Schuester: No, it's not. It's a terrific song on a long list of top hits that, because of time or some bad press, has become a joke. And like you guys, it's time to start rehabilitating its bad reputation. The assignment for the week is for all of you to find songs like this, mine them for what works, and make them great again. And then, hopefully, can apply this musical lesson to your own lives.
- Jesse St. James: This song should be arrested for the crime of sucking.
- Will Schuester: [the students all agree] You want to bet?
- [to the backing band]
- Will Schuester: Hit it.
- [the beginning of "Ice Ice Baby" plays]
- Will Schuester: You know, Sue, there are a lot of people at this school who dislike you. My kids don't do stuff like this.
- Sue Sylvester: Is that so? Exhibit B.
- Will Schuester: What's a Glist?
- Sue Sylvester: It's a "Glee List", William. It's a weekly ranking of your glee club, based on a hotness quotient of sexual promiscuity. It was posted all over the school an hour ago. Apparently, you get a point for each act of perpetuated depravity.
- Will Schuester: What makes you think my kids did this?
- Principal Figgins: The Glist was made on a library computer using the pass code "gleeclub".
- Sue Sylvester: Your glee club is a petri dish of sexual depravity.
- Principal Figgins: Sue's right, Will. Why, only last year, a list was posted ranking McKinley's ten ugliest Gingers. And the perpertrator would have been expelled had it not turned out to be a member of the faculty!
- Sue Sylvester: I stand by that list.
- Sue Sylvester: You know, a week ago, had I found a list that so degraded the glee club, I would've been embarrassed I was beaten to the punch. But now I know the white-hot shame of public rebuke; that pain is indescribable.
- Principal Figgins: William, last year at West Dayton High, a photo circulated of school superintendent...
- Sue Sylvester: And what was he wearing?
- Principal Figgins: Women's lingerie.
- Sue Sylvester: And what was he riding?
- Principal Figgins: Pony!
- Sue Sylvester: And who was expelled?
- Principal Figgins: The entire school!
- Sue Sylvester: The entire school was expelled, Will!
- Will Schuester: What does that have to do with me?
- Principal Figgins: You must find out who made the Glist and suspend them before they post another one, or I'm holding the entire glee club responsible!
- Will Schuester: Are you serious?
- Principal Figgins: Deadly serious! I cannot have these shenanigans at this school!
- Sue Sylvester: He cannot have these shenanigans at this school!