- Paul Hunham: There's nothing new in human experience, Mr. Tully. Each generation thinks it invented debauchery or suffering or rebellion, but man's every impulse and appetite from the disgusting to the sublime is on display right here all around you. So, before you dismiss something as boring or irrelevant, remember, if you truly want to understand the present or yourself, you must begin in the past. You see, history is not simply the study of the past. It is an explanation of the present.
- Paul Hunham: Hardy, I have known you since you were a boy, so I think I have the requisite experience and insight to aver that you are and always have been penis cancer in human form.
- [remembering Mary's son]
- Paul Hunham: He was a great kid. I had him one semester. Very insightful.
- Mary Lamb: Mm-hmm. He hated you. He said you were a real asshole.
- Paul Hunham: Well, uh, like I said... sharp kid, insightful.
- Paul Hunham: I guess I thought I could make a difference. I mean, I used to think I could prepare them for the world even a little. Provide standards and grounding like Dr. Greene always drilled into us. But, uh, the world doesn't make sense anymore. I mean, it's on fire. The rich don't give a shit. Poor kids are cannon fodder. Integrity is a punch line. Trust is just a name on a bank.
- Miss Lydia Crane: Well... look, if that's all true, then now is when they most need someone like you.
- Angus Tully: He used to be fine. He was better than fine. He was great. He was my dad. Then about four years ago, he... started acting strange. Erratic, forgetful, saying all this weird shit. My mom took him to a bunch of doctors, and they put him on medication. But that just made it worse. He got more confused. Then he got angry. And then he got... physical. That was it. That was the last straw. They put him away. And she divorced him... without him even realizing it. That's why she wants a whole new life. And it's easy to just stash me away in boarding school. Like half of us are just stashed away there. And I get it. She never has to look at me. Because maybe when she looks at me, she... she sees him. Maybe she's right. I can't keep it together. I lie. I steal. I piss people off. I don't have any friends, real friends. I'll probably get kicked out of Barton too. And when I do, it'll be my own fault. Get sent to Fork Union and maybe to youknowwhere. And nobody will care. The funny thing is... I wanted to see him so bad this whole time. But I also didn't, you know? Because I'm afraid that's what's going to happen to me one day.
- Paul Hunham: You're not your father.
- Angus Tully: How do you know?
- Paul Hunham: Because no one is his own father. I'm not my dad. No matter how hard he tried to beat that idea into me. I find the world a bitter and complicated place, and it seems to feel the same way about me. I think you and I have this in common. But don't get me wrong, you have your challenges. You're erratic and belligerant and gigantic pain in the balls, but you're not your father. You're your own man. Man, no. You're just a kid. You're just beginning. And you're smart. You've got time to turn things around. Yes, I know that Greeks had the idea that the steps you take to avoid your fate are the very steps that lead you to it, but that's just a literary conceit. In real life, your history does not have to dictate your destiny.
- Paul Hunham: Believe it or not, Mr. Tully, there was a time when the fire in my loins burned white hot.
- Angus Tully: You're full of shit.
- Paul Hunham: No, the details would curl your toes.
- Angus Tully: Twisted fucker orphaned that glove on purpose. Left you with one so the loss would sting that much more.
- Teddy Kountze: Sir, I don't understand.
- Paul Hunham: That's glaringly apparent.
- Teddy Kountze: No, it's... I can't fail this class.
- Paul Hunham: Oh, don't sell yourself short, Mr. Kountze, I truly believe that you can.
- Paul Hunham: You know, Mr. Kountze, for most people, life is like a henhouse ladder: shitty and short. You were born lucky. Maybe someday, you entitled little degenerates will appreciate that. If you don't, I feel sorry for you and we will have failed to do our jobs.
- Paul Hunham: Hmm. Hey, what's that?
- Waitress: That's our signature dessert. Cherries jubilee.
- Paul Hunham: Mmm. That sounds great. Bring the young vandal here cherries jubilee.
- Waitress: I'm afraid I can't. The dish contains brandy. Same deal with the bananas Foster.
- Mary Lamb: Yeah, but doesn't the alcohol just burn off?
- Waitress: It's still against the rules, ma'am.
- Paul Hunham: Fine. I'll order the cherries jubilee. We can share it.
- Waitress: Mm. I can't allow that, either.
- Paul Hunham: Can we say it's his birthday?
- Angus Tully: It's my birthday.
- Waitress: Well, happy birthday, young man. Let's get you a slice of cake or some other age appropriate dessert.
- Paul Hunham: Christ on a crutch. What kind of a fascist hash foundry are you running here?
- Paul Hunham: Do you think I want to be babysitting you? Oh, no, no, I was praying to the god I don't even believe in that your mother would pick up the phone or your father would arrive in a helicopter or a submarine or a flying fucking saucer to take you...
- Angus Tully: My father's dead!
- Paul Hunham: Fresh air would do you good.
- Angus Tully: It's like 15 degrees outside.
- Paul Hunham: And the Romans bathed naked in the freezing Tiber. Adversity builds character, Mr. Tully.
- Angus Tully: I don't think I've ever had a real family Christmas like this before. Thank you, Mary.
- Mary Lamb: You're welcome.
- Paul Hunham: You just earned yourself a detention, sir, now, get back here!
- Angus Tully: Being here with you is already one big fucking detention!
- Paul Hunham: Son of a bitch! That's another detention!
- Angus Tully: What the fuck just happened? I thought Barton men don't lie. Don't get me wrong, that was fun but you just lied through your teeth.
- Paul Hunham: What I say during a private conversation is none of your goddamn business. You are not to judge me.
- Angus Tully: It wasn't a private conversation. The wife and I were there. And I helped you. Why did he ask if you landed on your feet?
- Paul Hunham: What is this, Nuremberg? Jesus.
- Angus Tully: You're the hard-ass constantly telling everybody not to lie and going on and on about the honor code.
- Paul Hunham: There was an incident when I was at Harvard with my roommate.
- Angus Tully: And?
- Paul Hunham: He accused me of copying from his senior thesis. Plagiarizing. Ah.
- Angus Tully: Well, did you?
- Paul Hunham: No, he stole from me. But that blue-blooded prick's family had allies on the faculty. I mean, their last name is on a library, for Christ's sake. So he accused me in order to sanitize his treachery and, uh, they threw me out.
- Angus Tully: Wait, so you got kicked out of Harvard for cheating?
- Paul Hunham: No, I got kicked out of Harvard for hitting him.
- Angus Tully: You hit him? What, like punched him out?
- Paul Hunham: No, I hit him with a car. Ah.
- Angus Tully: You got kicked out of Harvard for hitting a guy with a car?
- Paul Hunham: By accident.
- Paul Hunham: Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. For my money, it's like the Bible, the Koran, and the Bhagavad Gita all rolled up into one. And the best part is not one mention of God.
- Paul Hunham: [talking to a guy dressed as Santa Claus] Here's something I bet you didn't know. Your uniform, festive as it is, is historically inaccurate. Saint Nicholas of Myra was actually a fourth-century Greek Bishop from what is now Turkey. So, uh, a robe and sandals would be closer to the mark. Yeah, but I guess that would be impractical given the weather and all the silly but lucrative mythology about Santa and elves and reindeer and chimneys and whatnot.
- [chuckles]
- Paul Hunham: What can you do? As Democritus said, 'O kósmos alloíosis, o víos ypólipsis.' 'World is decay. Life is perception.'
- Angus Tully: [in regards to Miss Crane] Ouch. You two have chemistry.
- Paul Hunham: Okay. That's the Percodan talking.
- Angus Tully: I don't know, seeing her like this, I think she's pretty attractive.
- Paul Hunham: Listen, you hormonal vulgarian, that woman deserves your respect, not your erotic speculation.
- Paul Hunham: Well, I look forward to your fine cooking.
- Mary Lamb: Oh, no, no, don't do that. All we've got is whatever is in that walk-in. No new deliveries till January.
- Mary Lamb: I heard you got stuck with babysitting duty this year. How'd you manage that?
- Paul Hunham: Oh, I don't know. I suppose I failed someone who richly deserved it.
- Mary Lamb: The Osgood kid? Yeah, he was a real asshole. Rich and dumb, a popular combination around here.
- Jason Smith: Didn't we already have this for lunch?
- Teddy Kountze: And it was crappy then.
- Paul Hunham: Consider yourselves lucky. During the Third Punic campaign, 149 to 146 BC, the Romans laid siege to Carthage for three entire years. By the time it ended, the Carthaginians were reduced to eating sand and drinking their own urine. Hence the term "punitive."
- Angus Tully: Where's my photo?
- Teddy Kountze: What photo?
- Angus Tully: I think you know what photo, and you stole it.
- Teddy Kountze: I resent that baseless accusation.
- Angus Tully: Give me my godamn picture.
- Teddy Kountze: Hey, what's your problem, Tully? You homesick? Huh? Gonna cry? Little boy misses his mommy?
- Angus Tully: Fuck you, Kountze. Why are you even here, anyway? Where's your family?
- Teddy Kountze: We're renovating our house, all right? It's all torn up. They're storing the tools and stuff in my room.
- Angus Tully: That's what they told you? It's winter, idiot. Nobody renovates their house in the winter. Your parents don't want you around because you're a fucking insecure sociopath.
- Teddy Kountze: A what?
- Angus Tully: I mean, who'd want you for a son? That's why you grind everybody, because deep down you know you're an asshole. Plus, academically, you're a disaster. I mean, if I were your parents, I'd never want you home again. The only tool in your room is you.
- Paul Hunham: [after Angus dislocates his shoulder] If Woodrup finds out, the facts won't matter. He'll make it my fault.
- Angus Tully: It is your fault! You were supposed to be looking after me.
- Paul Hunham: I told you to stop.
- Angus Tully: You said you washed your hands of me.
- Paul Hunham: No, I meant it metaphorically!
- Angus Tully: Of course you meant it metaphorically. What were you going to do, actually go and wash your hands?
- Hooker: Hi there, handsome. Got a cigarette?
- Paul Hunham: No, sorry. I smoke a pipe.
- Hooker: Then how about a date? You want a date?
- Paul Hunham: No, thank you.
- Hooker: Come on, let's go somewhere warm!
- Angus Tully: [to Mr. Hunham] Go ahead. I can wait here.
- Hooker: See? He can wait here and read some books. Get educated. He doesn't mind if daddy gets a little candy cane.
- Paul Hunham: Thank you, but I've never really liked candy canes. Plus, I'm pre-diabetic.
- Mary Lamb: [Describing "The Newlywed Game"] It's a show where they ask couples questions to see how well they know each other.
- Paul Hunham: That sounds like courting disaster.
- Mary Lamb: Yeah, that's the whole damn point.
- Mary Lamb: [while watching "The Newlywed Game"] Those two are going to get a divorce.
- Paul Hunham: How do you know?
- Mary Lamb: I recognize that look of stale disappointment. She hates him.
- Paul Hunham: Now, in the first of said detentions, you will clean the library, top to bottom. Scraping the undersides of the desks; which are caked with snot, and gum, and all manner of ancient, unspeakable proteins. Ah, on your hands and knees, down in the dust, breathing in the dead skin of generations of students and desiccated cockroach assholes.
- Alex Ollerman: [Pointing] It was Kountze! Kountze started it!
- Miss Lydia Crane: So, how'd you get stuck holding over? I thought it was Mr. Endicott's year.
- Paul Hunham: No, I know. I'm being punished. Yeah, Dr. Woodrup is...
- Miss Lydia Crane: A pompous ass with a dictator complex? Oops! What I meant to say was, well, he's a lovely compassionate educator with a really groovy beard.
- Paul Hunham: [referring to a former student] That boy is too dumb to pour piss out of a boot. A genuine troglodyte.
- Dr. Hardy Woodrup: Jesus Christ, Paul!
- Angus Tully: [to Ye-Joon] Shh. Stop crying. If they hear you, they'll crucify you. Which would be ironic since your Buddhist.
- Paul Hunham: [Referring to Woodrup] You know, I've had a lot of former students ascend to positions of authority. He's the only one I've ever had to report to.
- Miss Lydia Crane: He was your student?
- Paul Hunham: Oh, yes. My first year teaching, and he was an asshole even then.
- Paul Hunham: The world doesn't make sense anymore. I mean, it's on fire. The rich don't give a shit. Poor kids are cannon fodder. Integrity is a punch line. Trust is just a name on a bank.
- Teddy Kountze: Extra reading over vacation and no makeup test? Are you fucking kidding me? Nice work, asshole!
- Angus Tully: Can you not talk, please? I'm trying to pray.
- Teddy Kountze: You better pray I don't catch you alone. Because I will full on nut-punch you!
- Angus Tully: Tone it down. Jesus can hear you.
- Mary Lamb: I can hear everything you're saying from the kitchen. Especially that Kountze kid. Crown prince of all the little assholes.
- Paul Hunham: I don't doubt he did something to offend you. It's his specialty. Now perhaps I can purchase something for you gentlemen to imbibe and we can let whatever this unfortunate incident is go the way of the dodo.
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