Father Stu (2022)

Mark Wahlberg: Stuart Long

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Quotes 

• Stuart Long : When no one else gives a shit what you got to say, God does. Because he made your ass. You damn right he's disappointed in it, but he wants to help. No matter how hard you resist it, no matter how many times you say "no". He still wants to make you better. He ain't giving up on you. Never. Don't you dare go giving up on yourself.

• Stuart Long : Hear me out. All our outer nature's wasting away. But our inner nature is being renewed every day. This life, no matter how long it lasts, is a momentary affliction preparing us for eternal glory. We shouldn't pray for an easy life, but the strength to endure a difficult one. Because the experience of suffering is the fullest expression of God's love. It is a chance to be closer to Christ.

• Stuart Long : God gave you the talent. It's a sin not to use it.

• Dr. Jost : Uh, there's no easy way to deliver this news, but um, you don't strike me as somebody who needs sugar coating. All right? You have a progressive muscle disorder. It's called inclusion body myositis. It's very rare. Symptoms are like ALS, Lou Gehrig's disease, where the muscles continue to weaken until they cease to function. Yeah, and... unfortunately, there is no cure.

  Stuart Long : Well, you could've put some sugar on that shit.

• Stuart Long : [to Monsignor Kelly]  Teaching priests to rat on suffering men, they're getting closer to Judas than Jesus. We both know how that story ends. Don't we?

• Carmen's Dad : You know, Stuart, in my country, men crawl on their hands and knees to the statue a la santisima Virgen Maria. I expect no less devotion to my daughter.

  Stuart Long : Well, it's a good thing I got a carpet, huh?

• Monsignor Kelly : There is concern amongst the diocese that the state of your infirmity will render you unable to properly perform the sacraments. It may even cause you to disgrace them.

  Stuart Long : I spill the blood. Choke on the body. Fall on my face trying to genuflect. You think I haven't thought of that? We're not human beings having a spiritual experience, we are spiritual beings having a human one. This body don't mean nothing to God. Therefore nor should it to you.

  Monsignor Kelly : Unfortunately, it's not up to me. The Church will not endorse you for ordination.

  Stuart Long : At first the Church couldn't afford to subsidize me as a face of Catholicism. Now it can't afford to subsidize a cripple. This time it ain't a matter of reputation, it's a matter of the money. Isn't that right? God don't move the goalpost, Father. Man does.

• Bill Long : I never did like wearing these things. Ain't done one of these since your brother's funeral. Still got your mother's makeup on it.

  Stuart Long : You got another one coming up.

• Kathleen Long : Is someone gonna tell me what's going on?

  Stuart Long : I was gonna find a better time.

  Kathleen Long : You're doing a porno?

  Stuart Long : No, God, no. No, I'm gonna be a priest.

  Kathleen Long : For Halloween?

  Stuart Long : No, not for fucking Halloween momma. For real.

  Kathleen Long : Oh, Stu. You can't be serious. This is your fault.

  Stuart Long : You'd think I said I wanted to be a serial killer.

  Kathleen Long : My son don't do half measures. He's a dog with a goddamn bone. If you're so fucking enlightened, you should've seen that.

  Carmen : Had you been awake enough to dignify his place in this world, in spite of the loss of your other son, he wouldn't be so desperate to find himself.

• Stuart Long : What's He expecting me to do with His grace, huh?

  Father Garcia : You could start by... cleaning up your language.

• Carmen : Have you considered all this entails? Heh. Abstaining from booze and beatings, not to mention sex?

  Stuart Long : You showed me I could do it.

  Carmen : No, I showed you, you could wait.

• Stuart Long : You called her a housekeeper.

  Bill Long : What's wrong with housekeepers?

  Stuart Long : Yeah, that's good for her. In three months, I'll be in a diaper.

  Bill Long : You're gonna need someone to clean up your shit.

  Stuart Long : That's your job.

  Bill Long : I'm gonna subcontract.

• Bill Long : You're gonna wake the whole damn neighborhood.

  Stuart Long : This ain't no neighborhood. This is a trailer park. They ought to thank me for the wake-up call. Get their asses up to find a job. Early bird gets the worm! Ain't you all heard?

• Stuart Long : I ain't here for fellowship. I'm here for worship.

• Stuart Long : This is nice. You make Mama look like Martha Stew.

  Bill Long : Yeah, I was thinking of hiring your girlfriend to come in and tidy up for me.

• Stuart Long : You get back what you put out there, Bill.

  Bill Long : Is that why God gave you an incurable disease?

  Stuart Long : You called it. You always said I was a degenerate.

• Stuart Long : Like anything, it's the struggle that brings you closer to God. I never shied away from no fight. Teaching priests to rat on suffering men, they're getting closer to Judas than Jesus.

• Stuart Long : Most things get squished on a road, end up stuffed on a wall. I'm doing pretty good, considering.

• Stuart Long : Ain't you got somewhere to be?

  Bill Long : Yeah, probably. I'm trying out this new thing they got now called self-employment. All the kids are doing it.

  Stuart Long : I heard about that. Identical twin sister to unemployment. Except they swear she's the better-looking one.

• Stuart Long : [in the confessional]  Does hearing other folks' shit make you feel less shitty about your own shit? Don't pretend like you don't got some.

  Father Garcia : It is for God alone to judge. I am merely a vessel to assist man in unburdening himself of all that may separate him from the most direct path to Almighty Father.

  Stuart Long : I'm keeping God in a job. He cuts you a check, your ass better thank me.

• Stuart Long : God wants us to give things up, he ought to stop taking from us too. He killed my little brother Stephen when he was six. Took a nap, never woke up. How you square that one, huh?

• Stuart Long : God's not a gangster, He don't make deals and he don't respond to ultimatums.