Better Off Ted (TV Series)

Pilot (2009)

Portia de Rossi: Veronica Palmer

Quotes 

• Veronica Palmer : We need a mouse that can stand temperatures up to 195 degrees.

  Ted Crisp : [breaking the fourth wall]  We can do that.

  [to Veronica] 

  Ted Crisp : Uh, computer mouse or live mouse?

  Veronica Palmer : [not sure]  I'll get back to you.

  Ted Crisp : [narrating]  Every day, there's something new waiting to be discovered.

  Veronica Palmer : [entering his office]  Computer mouse.

  Ted Crisp : Easier.

• Ted Crisp : We do everything: industrial products, biomedical, cryogenics, defense technology.

  Veronica Palmer : [entering his office]  We want to weaponize a pumpkin.

  Ted Crisp : Then so do I. Because?

  Veronica Palmer : There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.

  Ted Crisp : Well, finally, the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.

• Veronica Palmer : Ted, the drones working on the spy drone came up with this cheap fabric. Find another use for it.

  Ted Crisp : It's a good texture, coloration. Maybe a breakfast meat.

  Veronica Palmer : Are you serious? We want to be in that business.

  Ted Crisp : No. You... you have to lighten up.

  Veronica Palmer : Maybe I'm too funny. Maybe I was joking about not getting your joke.

• Ted Crisp : [narrating]  Is it wrong to invent a deadly pumpkin? Or an irritating chair that makes people work harder? Thing is, work's not about right and wrong. It's about success or failure.

  Veronica Palmer : [entering his office]  Your department's using too much creamer.

  Ted Crisp : Does it matter?

  Veronica Palmer : It's not Katrina, but it is a problem.

  Phil Myman : [entering]  Ted, there's been a spill.

  [realizing Veronica is there] 

  Phil Myman : Oh, hi, Veronica. It's nothing.

• Veronica Palmer : We want to freeze Phil.

  Ted Crisp : Excuse me?

  Veronica Palmer : Phil. The company wants to cryonically freeze him. Just for a year, to see if it's possible. We think it is.

  Ted Crisp : You *think* it's possible?

  Veronica Palmer : Yes, Mr. Negative, we do. We have developed a chemical which allows us to rapidly freeze live animal tissue without it exploding. And, fingers crossed, we're ready for human testing.

  Ted Crisp : Your presentation sucks. And why Phil?

  Veronica Palmer : Well, for P.R. reasons, they want an employee. And in the unlikely event something goes wrong, well, there are people here we would, you know, miss more.

  Ted Crisp : Well, you be sure to tell him that when you try to get him to do it.

  [seeing her expression] 

  Ted Crisp : I see where this is going.

  Veronica Palmer : Your guys will do anything for you, Ted. They've got... what's that thing again? Underlings have it. Loyalty! This is huge for us. You need to make it happen.

  Ted Crisp : Well, I'll try. But Phil hates the cold and he freaks out in small spaces, so this assignment is not ideal for him.

  Veronica Palmer : Yeah. Well, they originally suggested Lem. But freeze the black guy? They're not stupid.

• Ted Crisp : Listen, Veronica. About firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.

  Veronica Palmer : You're right. Wait 'till the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for payroll.

• Veronica Palmer : Hi, Phil. I hear you're blinking again. Good for you.

  [to Ted] 

  Veronica Palmer : Why is he still here?

  Ted Crisp : Because, Veronica, I'm not firing him.

  Veronica Palmer : But they want you to fire him.

  Ted Crisp : I don't care. It's just wrong.

  Veronica Palmer : So then you're saying no to them? That's an interesting career choice.

  Ted Crisp : Phil doesn't deserve to be fired. He's incredibly smart, he's hard-working. He let us freeze him! He's the last guy that deserves to be fired, and I'm standing by him.

  [as an after-effect of the freezing, Phil inexplicably starts screaming] 

  Ted Crisp : Dude! You're not helping me.

• Veronica Palmer : Veridian Dynamics. Everyday something we make makes your life better. Power. We make that. Technology-we make that. Cows-Well, no, we don't make cows. Although, we have made a sheep... And medicines... And airplane engines... And whatever this...

  [image of a complicated machine] 

  Veronica Palmer : And all sorts of things. Veridian Dynamics. Every day, something we make makes your life better.

  [image of a missile destroying a building] 

  Veronica Palmer : Usually. Veridian Dynamics. Life. Better.

• Veronica Palmer : Did I surprise you? I didn't mean to surprise you. I'm just a friendly person.

  Linda Zwordling : I didn't think you know my name.

  Veronica Palmer : Of course I know your name. I know a lot about you. Linda... Katherine... Zword... ning--ling.

  Linda Zwordling : Zwordling

  Veronica Palmer : Fine. You know your own name better than I do. Yah!