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- Hassan: [Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!
- [Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]
- Barry: [Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother
- [Murmurs from the audience]
- Hassan: [Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?
- Barry: [car breaks down] Fuck, Fuck, fuck it!
- Omar: Did you fix this then, Barry?
- Barry: Yes, I fixed it!
- Omar: Did ya?
- Barry: It's the parts... they're Jewish.
- Omar: What parts in a car are Jewish?
- [pause]
- Omar: Hmm?
- Fessal: Spark plugs.
- Barry: Spark plugs! Jews invented spark plugs to control global traffic.
- Barry: Bollocks, I'm a liability! I am the Invisible Jihadi! They seek him here, they seek him there, but here's not there, he's blowing up your slag sister!
- Omar: Invisible? Right. Like the time you got on the local news for baking a Twin Towers cake and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
- Barry: That is part of the plan! Hide in plain sight, you mug!
- Hassan: [Raps] I'm the Mujahideen and I'm making a scene / Now you's gonna feel what the boom-boom means / It's like Tupac said, "When I die, I'm not dead"/ We are the martyrs, you're just smashed tomatoes / Allahu Akbar!
- [Audience screams as Hassan detonate his suicide belt releasing party streams]
- Barry: [Silent from audience] Mashallah, brother
- [Murmurs from the audience]
- Hassan: [Looking at the audiences] Oh, what, man? Come on. What? Just cos I'm Muslim, you thought it was real?
- Ed: [conversing on the phone] Right so what sort of girls are you into, then, Waj?
- Waj: I don't know. Ones with big jubblies and that.
- Ed: Yeah? You like them big, Waj? Yeah.
- Waj: And nice fit arses, too, man.
- Ed: You're an arse man, aren't you, Waj? I knew you were, bro. You're an arse man. You're a massive arse man.
- Waj: What are you saying?
- Ed: I'm saying you're an arse man, Waj.
- Waj: You giving me batty chirps, bro? You calling me a whammer?
- Ed: No.
- Waj: Fuck off!
- [Ends phone conversation]
- Waj: Fucking Boy George!
- Malcolm Storge MP: The report makes crystal clear that the police shot the right man, but as far as I'm aware, the wrong man exploded. Is that clear?
- Barry: [shouting as he sticks his head through from the boot of the car] Alright Omar! I'm letting you go to Pakistan! My unit, stays here! But my unit's the main unit!
- Omar: Barry, shut up, mate! 'Cause I tell ya, your little brain cell might go off now and again, but if you hands even go to move, if you try to set up the Islamic State of Tinsley again, going to university lectures, opening your big mouth, buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
- Barry: Not if you're not here, you won't!
- [Waj shoves Barry's head back through into the boot of the car]
- Omar: [to Waj and Hassan, who are shaking their heads to make their faces look blurry] CCTV's a video. You're just gonna look like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
- Police Inspector: You're gonna die in that gear lads
- Omar: More than likely, but it's for a good cause
- Fessal: My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow and fly it into one of them towers full of Jews and slags!
- Omar: I swear, cousin bro, I may ask you to blow yourself up, but I would never ask you to piss in your own mouth.
- Matt: I was gonna go a bit further, but I started to run a bit lopsided. See, I'm not slagging my right leg off, but my left leg is definitely stronger. I think lefty just wants it more, you know? Right leg's bone idle. He'll just wait there, let lefty pick up the slack. Before you know it, you're running curves.
- Barry: What if you get caught? I'm not going down just because you can't take a drill in the kneecap. They'll crack you like baby's fingers! They'll pump you full of viagra, make you f**k a dog! You'll end up on YouTube, blowing Lassie in a ditch!
- Commentator on end credits: This footage taken from an American spy plane appears to show two trainee Mujahadin seen struggling with a rocket launcher, firing it at an Arab training camp and accidentally blowing up Osma Bin Laden.
- Omar: But if your hands even go to move... and you try settin' up the "Islamic State of Tinsley" again... going to university lectures... opening your big mouth... buying some more silver nitrate from Amazon... I'm gonna rip your plugs out!
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