Brandon Rogers: Blitzø • Doctor

Pilot

Blitzø • Doctor

Moxxie: While we're on the subject of "family", can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?
Millie: Come on, sweetie, it's not that big of deal!
Moxxie: Excuse me... WHAT?
Moxxie: [cooking in their kitchen] Honey, can you get me the butter?
Millie: Sure sweetie!
Blitz: [Millie opens the refrigerator to find Blitz who hands her a glob of butter] Spoiler alert, the butter's spoiled!
Moxxie: [Millie giggles] What's funny, honey?
Blitz: [sitting in the refrigerator] Really impressive word play...
Moxxie: What the... WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?

Doctor: He appears to be in stable condition, but he'll need surgery. Now what insurance provider do you freaks have?
Blitz: The fuck is insurance?

Loona: Blitz! That clingy rich asshole's on the phone. Says it's urgent and wants to talk to you.
[whispered]
Loona: Sounds a little DTFy.
Blitz: Oh, god, it was one time! If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole none of us would have access to the living world.
Moxxie: You what?

Loona: [Cellphone receives a message] Oh fuck, guys I just got a text from our client. Guess he was the right target after all.
Blitz: Who?
Loona: Him.
Bratty Kid: Me?
Loona: Yep.
Blitz: They wanted us to kill an actual child?
Loona: That's what they're saying.
Blitz: Well, Christ on a stick, I guess there is a god!

Blitz: So, what can I do you for this time, Stolas?
Stolas: There's a political candidate casing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates. He's trying to convince people global warming exists.
Blitz: Doesn't it?
Stolas: Well, yes, but more people die if nothing is done about it. And it gets lonely here.

Moxxie: Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single life?
Blitz: It actually does.
Loona: The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage.
Millie: No he's not, you bitch!
Blitz: Do not talk to my receptionist that way, she's sensitive!
Loona: Yes I am!

Loona: Blitz! That clingy rich asshole's on the phone. Says it's urgent. Wants to talk to you.
[whispered]
Loona: Sounds a little DTFy.
Blitz: Oh, god, it was one time! If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole none of us would have access to the living world.
Moxxie: ...You what?

Blitz: Alright, now I know business has been a bit slow lately, yes. It's no one's fault, OK? I'm not naming any names here.
[looks at Moxxie]
Blitz: Moxxie. Now does anyone have any bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?
Millie: What about a car wash?
Blitz: This is hell, Millie. No one cares about cars being cleaned here, OK? Ooh, what about a billboard?
Moxxie: We can't afford a billboard, sir.
Blitz: Helpful, Moxxie. Really glad you're in the room right now.
[pushes Moxxie away]
Blitz: Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?
[Blitz turns on a TV that shows everyone killing people. Then it zooms out to everyone watching the TV]
Blitz: Aah, those were the good times.

Blitz: Look, the point is Loona is a valued member of our family, and you don't get rid of family.
Moxxie: We aren't a family, sir! You are the boss, we are the employees. You treat her like she's some troubled teenager, she's more like a meth-addicted homeless woman you let man the phones!
Blitz: That is offensive. Without homeless people I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life.

Loona: [Loona's phone goes off] Oh, fuck! Guys, I just got a text from our client, guess he was the right target after all!
Blitz: Who?
Loona: [pointing to the kid] Him.
Bratty Kid: Me?
Loona: Yup!
Blitz: They wanted us to kill an actual child?
Loona: That's what they're saying.
Blitz: Well, Christ on a stick, I guess there is a God!
[immediately shoots and kills the kid with a gun]

Blitz: [after Blitzø hangs up, he breaks his phone in half, puts it in a blender and purees it]
Blitz: Eat this.
Loona: [Loona drinks from the blender]
Blitz: And you know that bridge over the freeway?
Loona: Yeah?
Blitz: Shit off it!

Blitz: [Blitz falls out a window and lands on a garden table, where Stolas' wife and her socialite friends are having tea]
[they stare in shock]
Blitz: Sorry. I fucked your husband.