The Happytime Murders (2018)
Melissa McCarthy: Detective Connie Edwards
Photos
Quotes
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Connie Edwards : You better get checked 'cause that shit tasted like salt.
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Connie Edwards : I guess we know the purple carpet doesn't match the drapes.
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Bubbles : [Connie tries to kick down a door and recoils in pain] God, are you alright?
Connie Edwards : I ruptured my hymen.
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[on his friends, two siblings who inbred and had deformed children]
Detective Connie Edwards : This is why you don't go fishing in your own gene pool!
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Connie Edwards : Yeah! I unsewed your mother, and made a jacket out of her!
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Connie Edwards : Holy shit cakes!
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Bubbles : I've been searching public records on Sandra White, and guess what I found? Nothing. There is no Sandra White before two years ago. She didn't exist. Can I have one of those bananas?
Connie Edwards : What? No, you can't. No! And what do you mean she didn't exist? Everybody exists. Social security numbers, tax records.
Bubbles : Nada. But I tailed her to a rat trap of an apartment in Hollywood.
Connie Edwards : What's she doing in a Hollywood apartment? She's got a big place up in the Palisades.
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Connie Edwards : [Phil shoots Sandra to save her life] Shit, Phil! That took you long enough, but...
[clapping]
Connie Edwards : Oh.
[whooping]
Connie Edwards : Oo-hoo-hoo! You finally did it, Phily! Attaboy! That was a nice shot. Fuck.
Phil Philips : You all right?
Connie Edwards : Yeah, I'm fine. You did good.
Phil Philips : Yeah. You, too, kid.
Connie Edwards : God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.
Phil Philips : What?
Connie Edwards : I got to give her that.
Phil Philips : Oh, Jesus Christ.
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Bubbles : Do you know what they'll do to a puppet ex-cop in prison? They will tear out all of his stuffing and fill him back up with rice pilaf. And then they'll fuck it.
Connie Edwards : Okay, just...
Bubbles : They fuck that rice pilaf until it's more like a mashed potato.
Connie Edwards : Okay.
Bubbles : It's a term they call "pilafing".
Connie Edwards : All right, all right, all right. Move. You think you're the only one thinking about this stuff?
Bubbles : I think about pilafing all the time.
Connie Edwards : I'm not talking about pilafing.
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Connie Edwards : Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.
Phil Philips : All right. What are you thinking, partner?
Connie Edwards : I am thinking about busting your ass out of here. Okay.
Phil Philips : What are you gonna do?
[she takes out her gun]
Phil Philips : Wait, what are you doing?
Connie Edwards : [shooting him] I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.
Phil Philips : You *did* shoot me in the arm!
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Agent Campbell : Word on the street is that you did okay.
Lt. Banning : Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.
Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.
Connie Edwards : Come on.
Agent Campbell : No hard feelings?
Phil Philips : Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing with Phil] I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...
Phil Philips : And you said, "What?".
Connie Edwards : 'Cause you're an asshole.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Agent Campbell : What?
Connie Edwards : [laughing again] Every time.
Phil Philips : Yeah.
Connie Edwards : Always works on assholes.
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Phil Philips : You can't actually like me for these murders.
Agent Campbell : We like you very much for these murders.
Phil Philips : What's my motive?
Agent Campbell : The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.
[he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens]
Agent Campbell : Enjoy the show.
Phil Philips : [seeing Sandra inside] What the hell is she doing here?
Connie Edwards : Who is that?
Phil Philips : It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.
Lt. Banning : Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.
Phil Philips : Hey, I didn't murder anybody.
Connie Edwards : I didn't know Jenny was even married.
Phil Philips : Neither did I.
Lt. Banning : [turning on the intercom] Let's listen in.
Sandra : Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.
Phil Philips : What?
Agent Campbell : And why would he do that?
Sandra : We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.
Phil Philips : I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.
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Connie Edwards : I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do. The "Happytime" murders aren't about the money. 20 years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.
Phil Philips : Holy shit.
Connie Edwards : Yeah, holy shit.
Phil Philips : So you have proof?
Connie Edwards : Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.
Phil Philips : Hmm.
Connie Edwards : Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.
Phil Philips : What?
Connie Edwards : But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.
Phil Philips : Well, that would've been great, huh?
Connie Edwards : Would have been epic.
Phil Philips : Would have been nice.
Connie Edwards : Yeah.
Phil Philips : See you at my execution.
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Agent Campbell : Freeze, Philips!
Phil Philips : You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Phil Philips : Okay, I'm dropping it.
Connie Edwards : [seeing the stand-off] Oh, shitcakes.
Agent Campbell : Edwards! Drop the weapon!
[she starts to lower it]
Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!
Connie Edwards : I did!
Agent Campbell : Now!
Connie Edwards : What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.
Agent Campbell : Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.
Phil Philips : Jesus Christ.
Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?
Agent Campbell : What?
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Agent Campbell : You're done, Edwards. Consider yourself suspended. Give me your badge.
Connie Edwards : Yeah? Great. Here. Fucking choke on it. Fuck all of you guys. Fuck you, Wreach. You know what?
[taking his phone cable]
Connie Edwards : It's my fucking charger that you never asked for and you never gave back.
Agent Campbell : Nice.
Connie Edwards : You all fucking suck.
Agent Campbell : Yeah, yeah. Burn every bridge. Good.
Connie Edwards : And you know what? Everybody knows Karen is not a real redhead.
Carol : I'm a real redhead.
Connie Edwards : No, you're not. You had enough bush coming out of your cutoffs at the family picnic to fucking choke a horse.
Agent Campbell : Jeez.
Connie Edwards : Carol, we never got to talk, but you seem cool. And I wish I would've fucked you, Donny.
Donny : It's not too late.
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Connie Edwards : [startled upon finding Bubbles in her apartment] Oh, God damn it. How the hell did you get in here?
Bubbles : It was actually very easy. I just picked the lock. It took me, like, under a minute.
Connie Edwards : Oh, great. Apparently, anybody who wants to can just walk right into my apartment.
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Connie Edwards : We've got ourselves a good old-fashioned nutjob.
Bubbles : Jeez, this must have taken years. This is one sick fuck.
Connie Edwards : She's got 'em all.
Bubbles : Detective Edwards, look.
Connie Edwards : Boy, she's got a real sweet spot for our boy Phil, huh?
Bubbles : Oh, poor Mr. P. Oh, my God.
Connie Edwards : Wait a minute.
Bubbles : What a psycho.
Connie Edwards : [picking up a framed picture] What the hell is she doing with a picture of Jasper Jackabee and his daughter?
Bubbles : Purple hair on a puppet, that's very rare.
Connie Edwards : [remembering Agent Campbell's questioning of Sandra, she connects the dots] Oh, my God. I guess the carpet does match the drapes.
Bubbles : I knew this skirt was see-through. I just don't like wearing underwear. I don't like the way it feels.
Connie Edwards : I'm not talking about you. Sandra White is Jackabee's daughter.
Bubbles : What a fucking psycho bitch.
Connie Edwards : This room is like a signed confession from her. Also proves that Phil is innocent. We got her.
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Sandra : Stop right there!
Phil Philips : Oh, what the fuck? Ewards! You all right?
Connie Edwards : [with a gun to her head] It's deja fucking vu, Phil.
Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no. Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head. How'd she get the drop on you?
Connie Edwards : 'Cause she's like a fuckin' spider monkey.
Phil Philips : Damn! She got me that way, too.
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Lt. Banning : Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.
Phil Philips : Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.
Lt. Banning : Edwards, you're off suspension.
Connie Edwards : Thanks, Lieu.
Lt. Banning : And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.
Phil Philips : What?
Lt. Banning : I know it's early, but... what the heck?
[offering Phil his police shield]
Lt. Banning : I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.
Phil Philips : Wow.
Connie Edwards : How about that? Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.
Phil Philips : Oh, well, you're no bag of shit, either.
Connie Edwards : Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you? You asshole.
Lt. Banning : You are both equally not bags of shit. In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas in a little fucked-up pod.