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- The Joker: [Over the P.A. system] Tell me Bats. What are you really scared of? Failing to save this cesspool of a city? Not finding the Commissioner in time? Me, in a thong?
- Young Gordon: Come on, kid, this way. Take a seat in my office.
- Cop #1: Is he okay?
- Cop #2: He'll be fine. Kid like that, with all that money? He'll be just fine.
- Young Gordon: Shut up, now! He's eight years old and all alone! Money won't fix that.
- Cop #2: Whatever you say, Gordon. His butler's on his way to pick him up. You hear that? He's got a butler.
- Young Gordon: I'm sorry about that. I just need to ask you some questions. Can I get you anything? You okay?
- [silence]
- Young Gordon: I know you don't feel like answering me, but it's the only way to catch who did this.
- Young Bruce Wayne: [crying] Why did he do it, Officer? Why?
- Young Gordon: I don't know. It's this city, there's something wrong with it. And listen, son, call me Jim.
- The Scarecrow: [in disbelief, as Batman continues to resist the fear toxin] How are you doing this? You've ingested enough toxins to drive 10 men insane! What *are* you?
- Poison Ivy: You will pay, Batman. For hurting my babies.
- The Joker: Oh God... Does she ever stop going on about those plants of hers?
- Poison Ivy: When I finish with Batman, I'll be coming after you, Joker!
- The Joker: Will you really. Well, that's gratitude, isn't it? Women! You give'em presents, experimental chemicals and nice costumes and they still turn on you.
- Dr. Penelope Young: Patient Interview #39, July 29th. Patient's name is Edward Nigma. Mr. Nigma, tell us about your childhood.
- Riddler: Miserable. Next?
- Dr. Penelope Young: But I'm sure that's when your fascination in riddles began.
- Riddler: Very well. My father hated me. He always called me a moron.
- Dr. Penelope Young: I see.
- Riddler: I was determined to prove him wrong. So I entered a contest at school. A $20 prize to the kid who can solve an almost impossible logic problem. And I won, of course.
- Dr. Penelope Young: And did that please your father?
- Riddler: Hardly. He was convinced that I had cheated. He kept yelling, "You must have cheated! Admit it, you moron, you cheated!" I swore to him that I didn't, and he hit me for lying.
- Dr. Penelope Young: Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Riddler: Don't be. He was right.
- The Joker: I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all the hard work. You know, watching you guys is like a night in, watching my favorite movie. What was the name of that movie again? Oh, yes. Attack of the stupid bungling idiots who can't find an bigger idiot running around dressed like a bat! Now get to it!
- [yawns]
- The Joker: I'm getting bored.
- Henchman #1: Is he dead?
- Henchman #2: I think so.
- Henchman #3: When did he die?
- Henchman #2: Probably after you shot him.
- Henchman #1: That'll do it. Ya hungry?
- The Joker: [as he is being transferred to his cell, the elevator comes up carrying Killer Croc] Can you smell the excitement in the air? No? Hmm... must have been one of the guards, then. Croc, old boy, is that you?
- Frank Boles: Get ready: keep your weapons trained on it at all times.
- Guard: He looks angry.
- [Croc stands]
- Guard: Man, that thing looks pissed.
- Frank Boles: What's it doing?
- Killer Croc: [Croc sniffs the air, then lurches forward] I've got your scent, Batman. I will hunt you down!
- Louie Green: Power up the collar! Get that animal under control! Now! Get that thing outta here, now!
- Killer Croc: [Croc is shocked with the collar] A toy collar won't stop me from killing you, Batman. I'll rip you apart, eat your bones...
- [he is taken away]
- The Joker: That reminds me, I really need to get me some new shoes.
- The Joker: Let's talk about employee relations, Bats. Harley disappointed me and now she's out the picture. Gone. Forgotten. Dead to me. You get the picture. What's it like in your organization? Do you punish your hired help who fail you, or is making him wear that saucy outfit punishment enough?
- Oracle: [after hearing Joker's latest plan] My God! Is Joker crazy enough to try that...? What am I saying? You've got to stop him!
- Thomas Wayne: I can't believe you insisted on sitting through that movie again, Bruce. Come on, we'll be late for Alfred.
- Young Bruce Wayne: I'm sorry, Daddy.
- Martha Wayne: Go easy on him, Tom. He loved it so.
- The Joker: [during a patient interview] He's crazy, you know.
- Harley Quinn: Who, Batman?
- The Joker: No, Santa Claus. Of course Batman! Always Batman!
- Commissioner Gordon: You took longer than I expected.
- Batman: Joker's out of control, he's trying to prove something. I'm not sure I can stop him this time.
- Commissioner Gordon: You'll do it. Listen, Batman, we're not alone. He's got someone down there...
- The Joker: What a blabbermouth! Spoiling the suprise!
- Batman: Be quiet.
- The Joker: Am I getting to you? Am I? Good.
- Quincy Sharp: Let me go, you crazy bitch.
- Harley Quinn: Ooh, Sharpy used a bad word. Mama spank.
- Quincy Sharp: Aah! AAAAAH! Aaah!
- The Joker: Yawn-a-rooney. We both know you eat punks like that for breakfast. I've got some real surprises in store for you.
- The Joker: [Over P.A System, about Batman] Remember guys, he may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot.
- The Scarecrow: You married your wife because you were scared of dying alone. You had children because you're scared you won't leave behind anything important. You go to doctors because you're scared of dying... need I go on?
- Dr. Gretchen Whistler: [during a patient interview] Hello. My name is Dr. Gretchen Whistler. Do you understand me?
- Killer Croc: Yeah, I hear you, bitch. So when's dinner? I'm hungry.
- The Joker: Has anyone seen the Bat? Come on, someone must have seen where he went. Big scary man, wears a cape, jumps out of the shadows and beats up useless thugs. Anyone? No? Ha, good.
- Dr. Gretchen Whistler: [patient interview tapes] Patient interview, Waylon Jones. Progress has been slow. What happened back in that house?
- Killer Croc: Just business.
- Dr. Gretchen Whistler: Business? What kind of business practices result in a house full of mutilated corpses?
- Killer Croc: I don't like having my time wasted. Someone doesn't pay, they need a lesson. They owed me.
- Dr. Gretchen Whistler: So you killed them. Tore up their bodies. The police never found all the pieces.
- Killer Croc: They should have looked in the sewers.
- Dr. Gretchen Whistler: Are you saying you hid them there?
- Killer Croc: After a while. Usually takes about eight hours.
- [cackles cruelly]
- Henchman #8: Guest list only! If your name's not on the list, you ain't going in.
- Henchman #8: Let's see, uh... A no, that's not right... B... B... Bane... Ah! Here it is, Batman! Hey! Look's like you're the guest of honor!
- Henchman #8: Give him a big welcome, guys!
- Henchman #6: [Cheers] Yeah! Do it! Way to go!
- Henchman #3: [Cheers] Yeah! Woo hoo hoo! Ah hah! Oh yeah!
- The Joker: Are they ready? Have you planted the explosives yet?
- Henchman #6: Done!
- Henchman #4: Razor's just finishing his off now.
- The Joker: Goood. Let's test em out!
- Razor: No! No! I'm still up...
- [Screams and falls off the gargoyle]
- The Joker: Ooops.
- [laughs]
- The Joker: Welcome to the madhouse, Batman! I set a trap and you sprang it gloriously! Now let's get this party started.
- The Joker: Hey Bats, go easy on him, will you? For me...? Oh hell, what do I care? Do your worst!
- [laughs]
- The Joker: [Batman is taking out the Joker's guards, one by one] Come on, Bats! Leave 'em alone! For me...? Be your best friend!
- [laughter]
- The Joker: [to his goons] Harley tells me the Batman's car is still parked right outside Intensive Treatment. We can't have him up and leave us! Every thug, villain, murderer and kindergarten teacher that isn't carrying out party orders should head there now and smash it to pieces!
- Scarface: When I first heard the Joker aimed to take over this bughouse, like many of us, I thought he was crazy. When he outlined his vision of a hospital dedicated to ensuring inmates remain loopy for as long as possible, I thought he was wacky. But when he held me down and razor cut a new smile on my face, I decided he had a point; Situated in a small island in Gotham Bay, we stop at nothing to making sure no screwballs fly the coop.
- Riddler: You seem distressed, Doctor. Anything you could use my help with?
- Dr. Penelope Young: No thank you, Edward. I'm here to help you. We all are.
- Riddler: Forgive my arrogance, Doctor, but if you think I need your help, well, you're in the right place.
- The Joker: I said I wanted him stopped, and no one listened! It's like you don't want an outbreak of Titan-enhanced mutant babies climbing over Gotham!
- Commissioner Gordon: Shame about your car. Can I give you a ride?
- Batman: Thanks, Jim, but I have one on the way.
- Commissioner Gordon: Get some rest. You deserve it.
- Dispatch: [over radio] All units, all units, the Gotham National Bank was just robbed by Harvey Dent, a.k.a. Two Face...
- Batman: Stay safe, Jim.
- [grapples up to the Batwing and flies away]
- The Scarecrow: Hello, Stephen, how are you today?
- Dr. Stephen Kellerman: I keep telling you, this is MY session.
- The Scarecrow: It was your session, Doctor. But not anymore.
- Guard: Doc, are you okay?
- The Scarecrow: [before Kellerman can respond] Oh he's fine. Just questioning his grip on reality. You should be doing the same any time now.
- The Joker: [after Batman has defeated yet another group of henchmen] Did I tell you I was going to kill each henchman who failed to beat you? No? Oh, sorry, musta slipped my mind.