Everybody Hates Chris (TV Series)

Everybody Hates PSATs (2009)

Chris Rock: Narrator

Quotes 

• Narrator : At "Hansel and Gretel", my mother laid down the law like the Big Bad Wolf.

• Ms. Morello : You're like a chocolate Einstein.

  Narrator : More like a chocolate Pinocchio.

• Narrator : I stood out in AP class because unlike everyone else, I was dumb.

• Mr. Thurman : [to Chris]  You got a future ahead of you.

  Narrator : A super-sized future.

• Rochelle Rock : Chris, if you do well on this, this would really mean a lot. You know what, I'm thinking about enrolling you, Drew, and Tonya into "Hansel and Gretel."

  Chris Rock : What's "Hansel and Gretel"?

  Rochelle Rock : Hansel and Gretel is a social organization made up of successful black families. You know, the upper crust of the black community.

  Narrator : We were just the crust.

• Tonya : I'm not pregnant.

  Chris Rock : I'm not on drugs.

  Drew : I'm not in a gang.

  Julius : I actually know where all my kids are.

  Rochelle Rock : See, baby. We're almost perfect.

  Narrator : We're damn near white.

• Chris Rock : When am I going to find time to do the work I need to do to stay in this school?

  Greg Wuliger : Well, make time. You have to prepare for this kind of exam. Study a few hours every night and then get eight hours of sleep the night before the test.

  Chris Rock : I haven't slept eight hours since I was born.

  Narrator : We were so broke, we had to share our sleep.

• Judge Harry Watkins : [when he sees Rochelle]  God, not you.

  Chris Rock : You two know each other?

  Rochelle Rock : Yes. He's the so-called judge that threw me in jail after I beat that speeding ticket.

  Judge Harry Watkins : You were in contempt.

  Narrator : She still is.

• Judge Harry Watkins : [to Rochelle]  How about we let bygones be bygones?

  Rochelle Rock : Bye. Gone.

  Narrator : That's how proper black people say, "Let's squash this."

• AP Teacher : I need you to read "The Theory of Atomic Physics", "Quantum Dynamics and Worm Holes" and Richard Feynman's "Quantum Electrodynamics: The Strange Theory of Light and Matter."

  Narrator : Which were all made into Wayans Brother movies.

• Greg Wuliger : [to Chris]  I can't understand how you did so well on the test. I studied for days and still did horribly.

  Chris Rock : Greg, I cheated. I had the answers.

  Greg Wuliger : Dude, why didn't you tell me? I could have used them too.

  Chris Rock : Don't you think it'd look suspicious if you and I ended up with identical scores?

  Narrator : Plus, he would have panicked and ratted me out.

  Greg Wuliger : Yeah, plus, I would have panicked and ratted you out.

• Ms. Morello : [after finding out that Chris mouthed off to his teacher]  Excuse your mama? Chris, what were you thinking?

  Chris Rock : I don't know. I guess I have to go back to Thurman's class now.

  Ms. Morello : No, I can get you back into AP class, but no more "your mama" jokes. Obviously, you need a challenge, so I'm putting you on the Academic Scholastathon Team.

  Chris Rock : Academic Scholasta-what?

  Ms. Morello : Scholastathon! It's a team competition where students match their intellects against students from other schools.

  Chris Rock : I'm not sure I'm right for this.

  Ms. Morello : Are you kidding? This will be like intellectual basketball and you're our Dr. J!

  Narrator : I just hope I don't get hung from the intellectual rim.

• Judge Harry Watkins : [when he sees Rochelle in his courtroom]  What... what are you, following me around?

  Rochelle Rock : You think I want to be here?

  Judge Harry Watkins : Say the wrong thing and you'll get locked up faster than a door with Jehovah's Witnesses coming.

  Narrator : Just joking, witnesses. We love you guys!