- Evelyn Harper: Oh, sweetheart, take it from me. Spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.
- Alan Harper: You know, Charlie, even condoms are only 98% effective.
- Charlie Harper: That's not true!
- Berta: The hell it isn't!
- Alan Harper: Haven't you ever read the package?
- Charlie Harper: Who reads the package? It's not like a cereal box. You don't read it while you're eating.
- Berta: Yikes!
- Alan Harper: So, what's your next move?
- Charlie Harper: Well, you'd think if Chrissy had my child and decided not to tell me, I'd just send her a little card. You know, "Thanks for being a good sport" or something.
- Alan Harper: I'm not sure Hallmark has a "Deadbeat Dad" section.
- Charlie Harper: It's not funny!
- Alan Harper: Well, maybe not funny ha-ha, but certainly funny hee-hee.
- Charlie Harper: That boy was nothing like me!
- Alan Harper: Well, he didn't have ear hair and whiskey breath, but I'm guessing he'll grow into that.
- Charlie Harper: Hey, Russell?
- Russell: I'm busy.
- Charlie Harper: I've got a question about these condoms.
- Charlie Harper: I told you, Charlie, I'm giving you the best bulk rate I can!
- Charlie Harper: Okay! Okay! So, bottom line, what you're saying is, even if I'm wearing a condom, there's a chance I could get someone pregnant?
- Russell: Did you miss eighth grade health class, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Oh, come on! Who went to health class?
- Russell: Well, amongst others, a certain self-medicating pharmacist who pays alimony to three different women, but not one penny in child support.
- Chrissy: Right. Well, we should get going. It was nice seeing you.
- Charlie Harper: Nice to see you, too.
- Chrissy: Come on, Chuck.
- Chuck: [follows his mother]
- Alan Harper: Chuck?
- Charlie Harper: I heard it! Lots of kids are named Chuck!
- Alan Harper: It's a nickname for Charles, isn't it?
- Charlie Harper: So are Chaz, Chad, Chick and Charlie. What's your point?
- Alan Harper: No point. It's just that you haven't seen that woman in nine years, and little Chuck is, uh... Well, how old do you suppose little Chuck is?
- Charlie Harper: What difference does it make?
- Alan Harper: Well, I'd say little Chuck is uh... seven or eight years old, give or take nine months.
- Berta: What's going on?
- Alan Harper: Well, it would appear that the ol' sperminator here has fathered a child.
- Charlie Harper: I did not!
- Alan Harper: How can you be so sure?
- Charlie Harper: 'Cause I never play in the rain without a slicker and galoshes.
- Berta: I'm confused. Where do the galoshes go?
- Charlie Harper: It's just a figure of speech. Everything that needs to be covered is covered when, you know, covering is appropriate.
- Berta: I didn't ask for your life story. I was just confused about the galoshes.
- Alan Harper: Come on, Charlie, do the math. You haven't seen the woman in nine years and she's got an eight-year-old.
- Charlie Harper: So what? You showed up at my door with a ten-year-old and I hadn't seen you in eleven years. Does that mean taterhead is our love child?
- Alan Harper: All right, fine! Stay in denial! There's no way little Chuck is your son.
- Berta: Chuck?
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