- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Enjoy it while it lasts, women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: ...That's low, Probie.
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You have to tell him the truth!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: It's like I said, "it's always the maid."
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: No. You have said "It's always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to Abby's lab." But you have never *once* said "maid."
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Anyone ever tell you, your memory can be a real buzz-kill?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: The sadness when I hear you talk like this. You don't know who these people are. It could be a 45 year-old overweight man in Minnesota. I mean, like you said, you two haven't even met yet.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: What part of "Level 5 sorceress" don't you understand?
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [entering] All of it.
- [McGee has hooked up an old "Beary Smiles" toy to his keyboard]
- Beary Smiles: Hi, there! I'm Beary Smiles! You're my best friend, McGee!
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Thank you, Beary.
- Beary Smiles: You're very welcome!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: All right, one more time and I'm going to rip that Bear's head off... AGAIN!
- Beary Smiles: Gear up, DiNozzo! Got a body at Quantico!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Don't mess with me!
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: That bear sounds very familiar.
- Beary Smiles: Ya think, David? DiNozzo, bag and tag! David, witness statements! McGee, I ever tell you how brilliant you are?
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Oh, Beary...
- Beary Smiles: I love you, McGee.
- [Noticing Tony and Ziva's looks, McGee looks over his shoulder and sees Gibbs glaring at him. He types again]
- Beary Smiles: Sorry, Boss.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Tony, I get it. You're jealous. You haven't had a date in a while, it's okay.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Me? Jealous of the Elf Lord? I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: It is nice to see a couple with so much in common. Like McGee and his new sorceress friend.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Oh, yeah. I was actually gonna talk to you about that. Let's see, how do I put this delicately? She, uh... she's not real.
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: You did *not*.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I did. I was bored, it was late, I'd just watched "Weird Science." Next thing I knew, I was building a fake online profile and IMF'ing McGee.
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: He really likes her, Tony! You have to tell him!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I know... but it's actually kind of flattering, in a creepy way.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [on his phone] I already rebooted the system, Frank! *Twice*!
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: [on her phone] Four hours! That is how long I have waited for your cable repairman, four hours!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: No, I will not reboot it again! I will never reboot it again!
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Reschedule? So you can waste another Saturday?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just admit that you have no idea how to fix the problem, and we can both get on with our lives!
- [They slam their phones down at the same time]
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: Someone will die today.
- Ziva David, Mossad Liaison: What did you think would happen?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: I didn't know! The flaw in the plan... was the plan. But I got another plan to end it.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: What do you got, Abs?
- Abby Sciuto: 1989's Christmas nightmare for every parent. The unattainable...
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Beary Smyles.
- Abby Sciuto: My dad waited in line two hours for one on Black Friday.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Six... Christmas Eve.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: Why don't we just bring her in?
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Yeah, what are we going to put on the warrant, Probie? "Gibbs's gut?"
- [off Gibbs's look]
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Not that that wouldn't be valid. I'm sure that...
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Talk to her friends, she'll come to us.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: [about the dead man] Boss, Brandon Sykes, 22. Small-time drifter with a big-time rap sheet. Larceny, grand theft auto, dealing, even suspected of a homicide... over an iPod. Doesn't exactly scream "espionage".
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Hired gun.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Hired by who?
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: *Whom*, Tony. "Who" is the nominative case. "Whom" always follows a preposition.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Traffic bad?
- Dr. Donald 'Ducky' Mallard: Dreadful.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Abby...
- Abby Sciuto: '72 Skylark, custom hubcaps. I already told Tony to put out a BOLO.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No. I was going to say "Nice job."
- [Gibbs walks away]
- Abby Sciuto: Oh...
- [Dejectedly]
- Abby Sciuto: Obviously not nice enough.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Fridge.
- [Abby looks at the fridge and notices a Caf-Pow! Abby gasps, and goes to the fridge]
- Abby Sciuto: I don't know how you did that and I don't care!
- [Holds it aloft]
- Abby Sciuto: Thank you, Gibbs!
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: So basically you got nothing.
- Abby Sciuto: I've spoiled you Gibbs. You can't get an answer every time you come down here. But next time, I *will* have something.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: Next time, you'll have a Caf-Pow!
- Abby Sciuto: Whoever trashed his apartment went banzai on his dinner plates with a hammer. And they were not looking for anything...
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: No, they just wanted to trash it.
- Abby Sciuto: And I know who "they" is. I pulled a partial print off the TV set that was thrown into the bathtub.
- [points to her big screen]
- Abby Sciuto: Meet our rock star!
- [cut to Gibbs interviewing...]
- Jessica Shore: Hell, yeah, I did it! I went over to that jackass's place and I broke everything in sight!
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: That was easy.
- Jessica Shore: It was all my stuff anyway. You think that dumb-ass could afford real plates? When I met the guy, he had a can opener and a plastic fork. The guy's a loser, like all the rest of 'em.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: How did your boyfriend know Captain Jennings?
- Jessica Shore: He didn't... you think Brandon killed the Captain?
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: I don't think, I know.
- Jessica Shore: Um... I brought him to the Christmas party last year, but he spent the whole night in the parking lot, throwing up. Like I said, a real winner.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: That why you trashed his place?
- Jessica Shore: I trashed his place because he proposed.
- NCIS Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs: [deadpan] I'll take that as a no.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Ziva and I will cover the interviews for you.
- NCIS Special Agent Timothy McGee: That is awfully un-Tony of you, Tony.
- NCIS Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo: Just doing you a solid, Probie, because you having a date is about as rare as me not having one.