Jim Parsons credited as playing...
Sheldon Cooper
- Barry Kripke: You afwaid of heights, Cooper?
- Sheldon Cooper: Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
- Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
- Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
- Sheldon Cooper: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
- Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
- Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I love trains!
- Jeremy: I bet you do.
- [first lines]
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
- Sheldon Cooper: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
- Howard Wolowitz: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
- Sheldon Cooper: It's extracted from the plant...
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
- [Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
- Howard Wolowitz: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
- [at lightning speed]
- Sheldon Cooper: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
- [takes a drink]
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Feel better now?
- Sheldon Cooper: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
- [to Leonard]
- Sheldon Cooper: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's where I sit.
- Barry Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
- Howard Wolowitz: How much time you got?
- Barry Kripke: You all wight there, Cooper?
- Sheldon Cooper: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.
- Barry Kripke: Are you saying you're stuck?
- Sheldon Cooper: What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?
- Sheldon Cooper: Kripke!
- Barry Kripke: Yeah?
- Sheldon Cooper: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
- Barry Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
- Sheldon Cooper: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
- Barry Kripke: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'll do that.
- Sheldon Cooper: [to Raj, Howard and Leonard] Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.
- Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
- Sheldon Cooper: That's insane on the face of it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
- Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
- Sheldon Cooper: I *did* learn how to swim.
- Leonard Hofstadter: On the floor.
- Sheldon Cooper: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Then why learn how to swim?
- Sheldon Cooper: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.
- Sheldon Cooper: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what are you doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
- Rebecca: Rebecca.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.
- Sheldon Cooper: We were really hitting it off.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look up, there's cameras.
- [Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart]
- Sheldon Cooper: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
- Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard] Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?
- Sheldon Cooper: [studying rock-climbing wall] This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
- Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
- Sheldon Cooper: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
- Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
- Sheldon Cooper: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
- Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
- Sheldon Cooper: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
- Penny: [sarcastically] Thanks, pal.
- Sheldon Cooper: You got it, buddy.
- Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?
- Sheldon Cooper: [looking through children's books on making friends] All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.
- Sheldon Cooper: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's that?
- Sheldon Cooper: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
- Howard Wolowitz: [whispering] Me, me. Let it be me.
- Sheldon Cooper: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I answered every question, Sheldon.
- Sheldon Cooper: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
- Sheldon Cooper: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.
- [Sheldon looks offended]
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't see how you could.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
- Sheldon Cooper: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
- Rajesh Koothrappali: Stu the Cockatoo?
- Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.