I, Claudius (TV Mini Series)

Poison Is Queen (1976)

Siân Phillips: Livia

Quotes 

• Livia : Don't touch the figs.

• [about Augustus being deified] 

  Claudius : I believe it was foretold.

  Livia : Really. Who foretold it?

  Claudius : Jove.

  Livia : Jove, eh?

  Claudius : A hundred days ago he melted the 'C' off one of Augustus' statues.

  Livia : And what does that mean, idiot head?

  Claudius : If you strike the letter 'C' from the word 'Caesar,' the word 'aesar' is left. And in Etruscan 'aesar' means 'God'.

  Livia : If the gods were going to give us a message, why wouldn't they give it to us in Latin?

• Livia : No one can talk to you anymore.

  Augustus : Anyone can talk to me at any time, except you. You don't talk to people. You bully them.

  Livia : This conversation is becoming ridiculous.

  Augustus : No, this conversation was ridiculous from the start.

• [on Augustus' will] 

  Livia : He's altered his will

  [Tiberius gawps] 

  Livia : What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Ha, that took your breath away, didn't it.

  Tiberius : How do you know?

  Livia : I know; I make it my business to know.

• [Livia has told Tiberius about the will] 

  Tiberius : Whose he changed it in favour of?

  Livia : Whose d'you think?

  Tiberius : Germanicus?

  Livia : HA. Trust you to get it wrong. I must have been nodding when I gave birth to you.

  Tiberius : I wonder sometimes mother if you ever did anything so natural as giving birth. In whose favour has he altered the will-?

  Livia : POSTUMUS. Whose d'you think?

  Livia : Augustus went to Corsica, didn't it occur to you be might stop off to visit your stepson?

  Tiberius : Well why should he? What does he know that he didn't know before? What could he know?

  [pause] 

  Tiberius : [Grimly]  What is there to know?

  Livia : He's a senile old man. How am I to know what causes him to change his mind? But he has and so much the worse for you, my baby, if I can't change it back.

• Tiberius : Don't bother on my account. I'm sick of it. Gods know I've done my best; he's never liked me, never. Thirty years I've run his errands for him; I've fought on his bloody frontiers, collected his taxes- Never once has he put his hand on my shoulder and said "Thank you, what would I have done without you?" He sends me off again and doesn't even give me a goodbye, just "Get on your horse and ride." Well, damn him. I retired before once and I can do it again; let his precious grandson run his empire for him. I'm sick to death of it.

  [Long pause] 

  Livia : So, when do you leave?

• Livia : I wouldn't travel too fast if I were you.

  Tiberius : Why not?

  Livia : Well, you won't have so far to come back if anything happens to him.

• Livia : If Jove wanted to talk to us, don't you think he'd talk to us in Latin; not Etruscan? What would be the point in that, you fool?

• Livia : Have you been in the senate?

  Claudius : On the steps, I'm not allowed in the Senate.

  Livia : No, neither am I. They won't allow me in because I'm a woman and they won't allow you in because you're a fool. And that's strange when you come to think of it, because it's full of nothing but old women and fools!

  [laughs]