Stark Sands credited as playing...
Lt. Nathaniel Fick
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Most people in America right now think of Iraq as a dangerous country. Now, if I were to stand up, I might get killed. But to us, behind this wheel it's pretty safe. So to us, Iraq is a safe country. Right here, I feel pretty safe. Do you feel safe?
- Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Pretty safe, I guess.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: See? It's all relative.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Present for you. LSA. Scammed some off the guys in RCT-1.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Sir, not to get homoerotic about this, but I could kiss you.
- [while driving in the dark, looking for a turn in the road]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, do you remember the gay dog episode of South Park? The one where, uh, Sparky runs away 'cause he's humping all those other dogs and shit?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [tiredly] Yes, Ray, I... I do remember it very well. But I don't see what relevance this has to our present status.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: There's the hamlet. Our turn.
- [he turns the Humvee]
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [into the radio] Hitman Two, this is Two-One. We're makin' that turn now, over.
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: [on the radio] Roger that. Nice job, over.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, Brad? Do your Big Gay Al for me.
- [Colbert doesn't answer]
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Come on, buddy! Do it for your old pal Ray. The one who made the right turn?
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [lisping flamboyantly] "Well, helloooo there, little pup! I'm Big Gay Al. Have you been outcatht?"
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: [laughing] Fuck yeah.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: They had this gay bar open up in the town where I'm from in Michigan, and people trashed it every night. They had to close it after a month.
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: See, but there's money in that, Trombley. Did I tell you I'm gonna open my own gay bar when I get back home? It's gonna be called The Golden Stream, and it's gonna be, like, this big urinal, right? And there's gonna be this two-way mirror that everybody pisses against. That way, when you're sitting at the bar having drinks, there's, like, all these big fuckin' giant cocks just pissing right at you.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Corporal, are you a faggot?
- Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You know what? I'm gonna franchise that shit. You can have Michigan, Trombley. Very lucrative territory, homosexually speaking.
- Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: That's not funny, Corporal Person.
- Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, give it a rest.
- Sgt. Larry Shawn 'Pappy' Patrick: Sir, has any thought been given to destroying the weapons and ordnance that are sitting over there?
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: Actually that did come up. But it seems the battalion's supply of C-4 is now unaccounted for. The battalion supply truck that we left last night, it is a smoldering heap of twisted metal and failed hopes in the trustworthiness of Iraqis we are striving so hard to liberate.
- Sgt. Steven Lovell: What does that mean, sir?
- Lt. Nathaniel Fick: It means we're on one meal a day.