How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

The Bracket (2008)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : Hey! I don't remember you. I've spent the last two days trying to remember every girl that I've slept with and all of the horrible things that I have done to them- and I have done some horrible things. I mean, at one point I'm pretty sure I sold a woman. I didn't speak the language, but I shook a guy's hand, he gave me the keys to a Mercedes, and I left her there. I am the guy who keeps a scrapbook of all the women I have slept with, but I never thought I was the guy who would sleep with a girl and not even remember her. So, from the bottom of my heart, for whatever I did to you, I apologize.

• Barney Stinson : There are four kinds of women who go to the hardware store by themselves.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Of course there are.

  Barney Stinson : Single, recently single, recently divorced, lesbian who will let me watch.

  Lily Aldrin : You can not be more evil.

  Barney Stinson : Sorry, five. Recently widowed.

• Barney Stinson : She said I hooked up with her? Well, what's her name? What'd she look like?

  Lily Aldrin : She didn't say her name. But she had blonde hair, boobs... kinda trashy.

  Barney Stinson : Dead in the eyes with an aura of self-loathing and despair?

  Lily Aldrin : Yes!

  Barney Stinson : That's all of them!

• Barney Stinson : The worst part is that we still have no idea who my stalker is.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Well, that's because you're going about this all wrong. I mean, why chase someone who's following you? All you need to do is go down to the bar, hit on someone and wait until she turns up.

  Barney Stinson : That's not a bad idea.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh-ooh, I'll pretend to be the girl that you're hitting on.

  Ted Mosby : I don't know, it's a lot riding on a girl who giggles when she lies.

  Robin Scherbatsky : I do not!

  Ted Mosby : Have you ever fallen asleep while eating ribs?

  Robin Scherbatsky : [Awkwardly giggling]  No!

• Barney Stinson : This is a nightmare! Some woman that I slept with and screwed over is trying to ruin my life. God, why is this happening to me?

  Lily Aldrin : It's karma.

  Barney Stinson : Nah, it's not Karma. She's stripping in Vegas... plus we're good.

• Lily Aldrin : Maybe you're not as good a liar as you think you are.

  Barney Stinson : Oh, really, then why am I not in prison for perjury?

  [Waves hand dismissively] 

  Barney Stinson : But I don't wanna talk about work.

• Lily Aldrin : [Lily is trying to get him to confront Meg, a girl he slept with]  Lily, this girl hates me. I hooked up with her in an apartment I was pretending was my own, told her I loved her, and then ditched her there. She got arrested for trespassing, bit a cop, and spent eight days in jail. Oh, crap, there she is! If she sees me, she's gonna kill me!

  Lily Aldrin : Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

  [Calls out] 

  Lily Aldrin : Hey, Meg! Over here! Look who it is! Yo old friend Meg: Barney! Barney?

  Barney Stinson : [Trying to hide]  If she kills me, I want you to go into my apartment, grab the metal briefcase under my bed and throw it in the East River.

• Anna : [the girl from season 2's "Ted Mosby, Architect"]  Look who it is, Mr. Big Shot Architect. If you're here to ask me to take down the Web site, forget it.

  Barney Stinson : What Web site?

  Anna : Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.

  Barney Stinson : You're right, I do deserve that. That's all I came here to say. You know what? I don't care who knows about it. Excuse me. Excuse me. I, Ted Mosby, am a jerk to women. Tell your sisters. Tell your daughters to stay away! Ted-Mosby-Is-A-Jerk-dot-com.

  Narrator : And that little Web site went on to get 400,000 hits. Thanks, Barney!

• Ted Mosby : Come on! Let's see the list.

  Barney Stinson : [Mocking Ted]  Come on! Let's see the list. Ted, don't be crass. I would never demean the women that I've slept with by putting their names on a tawdry list.

  Barney Stinson : [Cut to Barney in the apartment pulling out a scrapbook]  This is a scrapbook of all the women I've slept with. I made it at the scrapbook barn on 7th.

• Lily Aldrin : [about Ted and Marshall betting on College football]  Why do you guys put yourselves through this? You lose every year.

  Ted Mosby : That's because in the past, we were just guessing. This year, we watched every game, read box scores, tracked injuries. This isn't March Madness. This is March Meticulously Thought-outness.

  Barney Stinson : Your team lost 20 minutes ago.

  Ted Mosby : I didn't know they were playing today.

• Lily Aldrin : [Going through the women Barney has slept with, trying to find the one that keeps sabotaging him]  The girl who thought he had 12 hours to live has way more cause to ruin his life than the girl he faked proposed to.

  Robin Scherbatsky : It's fake proposal girl. I mean, she hired a wedding planner!

  Ted Mosby : 12 hours to live! That girl flew them both to Paris!

  Robin Scherbatsky : Oh, she only bought him a one-way ticket!

  Barney Stinson : Okay, okay, everybody! Hands.

  Lily Aldrin , Marshall Eriksen , Ted Mosby : 12 hours to live!

  Robin Scherbatsky : Damn it!