James Roday Rodriguez: Shawn Spencer

Talk Derby to Me

Shawn Spencer

[Gus uncovers a body in Westwood's truck]
Shawn Spencer: Oh, thank God!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: "Thank God"? It's a dead person.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, but it's not Juliet.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's still a human being, Shawn. It's Westwood. What's the matter with you?
Shawn Spencer: You're saying you'd rather it be someone that we know and care about? Fine--next time I see Jules, I'll just tell her you wish she was dead.

Shawn Spencer: [points to a mannequin dressed exactly like Gus] Dude, I can't believe this. You lifted your look right off this mannequin.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: On the contrary, Shawn. Clearly, someone is stealing my look.
Shawn Spencer: Right. I did see Tommy Hilfiger creeping from bush to bush sketching you.

[Six people are squeezing into a tiny surveillance room]
Security Guard: We never have more than two people in this room.
Shawn Spencer: It's cozy, which means I'll need everyone's hands where I can see them. That means yours, too, Chief.
Security Guard: Who is this?
Karen Vick: That's our psychic, Shawn Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: Psychic and Treasurer of the American Wicker Council. I'm up for re-elction. I'm running on a rattan platform.

Karen Vick: Eighty suspects? Really, Mr. Spencer, it wouldn't be possible perhaps to narrow it down just a bit, would it?
Shawn Spencer: Not without help. It's a tight group, Chief. It's a clique. It's a sisterhood of the Ya-Ya variety and it's going to take a lot more than a smile and a pack of Pall Malls to get them to talk.
Carlton Lassiter: Not a problem. Tough-to-crack suspects are right in my wheelhouse.
Shawn Spencer: Negative. We cannot go about this using a typical Lassiterian technique. We need someone on the inside.
Karen Vick: Are you saying you want to go undercover?
Shawn Spencer: Undercover, yes. Me, no. Unfortunately, I'm not qualified for this sort of thing.
Carlton Lassiter: Don't worry about it, Spencer. I've been itching to do some undercover work...and I got a new mustache guy.
Shawn Spencer: I like where your head's at because this is going to take a very specific skill set, and there's only one person in this room who can pull it off. I've just got one question...
[turns to Juliet]
Shawn Spencer: Can you skate?

Burton 'Gus' Guster: What are we doing, Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Well, for starters, we're both growing mustaches very, very slowly. But we're also investigating.

Shawn Spencer: Earlier, I got a call from the Chief. She sounded serious. Third break-in of its kind in this many months, no leads.
Carlton Lassiter: The Chief told you that?
Shawn Spencer: No, she did.
[Shawn slaps the butt of a mannequin with no arms]
Shawn Spencer: She looks like the Venus de Milo, but she prefers to be called Traci with an "i". She saw everything. Said I should check the videos in the surveillance room.
Carlton Lassiter: The mannequin told you that?
Shawn Spencer: No, the Chief did. Come on, Lassie, keep up with me.

Carlton Lassiter: Look, Chief, I can get results. Let me in on this.
Shawn Spencer: Sure, Chief, Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he's a demon on wheels and, of course, he's so very good with women.
Karen Vick: Under the circumstances, I might consider you, Carlton, but you're never more obvious then when you're undercover. Perhaps you've forgotten the prosthetic nose debacle of 2005?

[Gus refuses to get out of the car to find dumped 'evidence']
Shawn Spencer: Dude, it'll only take a minute.
[Gus doesn't move]
Shawn Spencer: You can't sit out here alone, in the dark, in a parked car. You'll get picked up for mopery.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: "Mopery"?
Shawn Spencer: With intent to creep.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: Dude, you are leering.
Shawn Spencer: If by leering you mean staring oddly and in a creepy way, then yes. But it's for an investigation, Gus.

Shawn Spencer: We're available for more cases by the way. Embezzlement, extortion, espionage. Pretty much anything that starts with E. Elephant theft.
Karen Vick: I'll take that under advisement.
Juliet O'Hara: Elephant theft?
Shawn Spencer: Oh, yeah.
Juliet O'Hara: People steal elephants?
Shawn Spencer: Major problem. Pretty much out of control.

Shawn Spencer: We call that detective work. It's a rare and beautiful thing - like clubbed thumbs.

Shawn Spencer: [introducing Gus] This is my vice president, Longbranch Pennywhistle.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: You know I have to study for my exam.
Shawn Spencer: Right. The Rx...something.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Rx Rep RX. Pharmaceutical Rep Re-Certification Exam
Shawn Spencer: That is the second worst name for a test ever, right after the Proctological Practicum.

Shawn Spencer: You cannot sit here alone in the dark in a parked car. You'll get picked up for mopery.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Mopery?
Shawn Spencer: With intent to creep. Trust me, it'll kick a big hole in your future.

Burton 'Gus' Guster: What are we doing Shawn?
Shawn Spencer: Well, for starters we're both growing moustaches very very slowly. But we're also investigating.

Juliet O'Hara: Oh so then ransacking the store and stealing the merchandise was just to throw us off the trail
Shawn Spencer: Right-oh. A handful of fake credit cards is worth more than everything in that entire store times 10. It's a pretty brilliant plan. Only slightly less brilliant than that YouTube video of the monkey bathing the cat.