- Max Hawthorne: I thought this whole alien thing was just our secret!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It stopped being a secret when you told your little friend over there in the head covering.
- Max Hawthorne: She must have followed me. Don't worry, she's not gonna tell anyone. She swore to Allah!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Allah knows? How many people have you told?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You are so pushy.
- Sahar: Oh, looks like aliens are also put off by strong women.
- Sahar: If you don't stop using that kinda language around us, we're gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Go ahead, I like soap. I eat it all the time. Shit, ass, piss, dink. Where's the soap? I am so hungry!
- D'Arcy Bloom: You have a tell.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Oh, really? What's my tell?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Well, I can't tell you because then you'd know what the tell is and you'd hide the tell from me, and I wouldn't be able to tell.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] I'm dead. But if I'm dead, why do I feel so warm and squishy like I'm being hugged by a cloud? Oh no, this must be the afterlife. I'm in human Heaven. It makes me want to kill myself.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Then why do they call them "Men in Black"?
- Sahar: Because it's cooler than calling them "People in Clothes". It's pretty obvious.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Mayans, everyone talks about their calendar, but they never gave credit for their day planners.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: [to Abigail Hodges] Turn around. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You got the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, I'd be surprised because this salon is bangin'.
- Bearded Man: We have the Grays,
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Insidious assholes.
- Bearded Man: the Acrturians,
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Jerks, so cheap.
- Bearded Man: little green men,
- Harry Vanderspeigle: They are so cute, but they so know it.
- Bearded Man: the Mantis,
- Harry Vanderspeigle: One of them owes me money.
- Bearded Man: and the blue avians.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: They're actually very nice.
- Judy Cooper: We're closer than you and Asta. We shared a boyfriend in high school.
- D'Arcy Bloom: You mean the guy that you slept with behind my back?
- Judy Cooper: I grabbed his dick and he was into it. So what am I supposed to do, say no?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Oh, yeah. Fair point.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The astronauts did land on the moon.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Good.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Then their bodies were taken over before they returned.