- Harry Vanderspeigle: I thought you'd be in Georgia by now, getting probed.
- Max Hawthorne: Humans don't probe. Only stupid aliens do that.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: My people don't. It's the Greys that have the ass fetish.
- Sahar: That's adult language and we don't appreciate it.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] Humans have a strange practice they call "the art of bullshitting", and that little bastard Max is Michaelangelo.
- Jimmy: What the hell is he doing here? What? Is he your new boyfriend or something?
- Asta Twelvetrees: No!
- Harry Vanderspeigle: No. I'm just here eating cake.
- Jimmy: What? Are you her bodyguard now?
- Asta Twelvetrees: Harry.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I prefer ninja.
- Asta Twelvetrees: Harry, you don't have to do this.
- [to Jimmy]
- Asta Twelvetrees: Just ignore him.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: You shouldn't ignore ninjas.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] She's scanning me. It's a good thing I didn't murder those kids. There'd be blood all over my pants, and then I'd have to murder her. Yes, I made the right choice. I'm very good at this.
- Kate Hawthorne: He was in the closet.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Are you kidding me? Shit, I scraped ice off the truck for this?
- Deputy Liv Baker: Actually, I scraped the ice...
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: Yeah, we're really sorry to drag you out...
- Deputy Liv Baker: And I warmed up the car while he finished his coffee.
- Kate Hawthorne: You didn't check the closet?
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: For our sleeping son? No, I didn't check the closet. Or the sock drawers.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [voiceover] My people do family the right way. We don't care if they live or die.
- Isabelle: You're so quiet. What are you thinking?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: [to himself] If I could fit your body in the freezer next to the other guy.
- [out loud]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: So many things.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Is that coffee for me?
- D'Arcy: Oh, this coffee that I have not offered to you in anyway?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Umm.
- D'Arcy: No.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Screw that foot. For all we know, that thing floated down river from up north. Probably some one-footed son of a bitch up in Gunnison hoppin' around laughin' at our asses right now.
- Isabelle: [Isabelle and Harry are dancing after dinner] Well, the dinner's over. What next?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I can only think one thing.
- Isabelle: Hmm?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Scrub the pans before you leave.
- Abigail Hodges: Oh! Hello, Dr. Vanderspeigle. I'm surprised you're still here.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Mayor Hawthorne hasn't found my replacement yet. Because he's bad at his job.