How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

How I Met Everyone Else (2007)

Josh Radnor: Ted Mosby

Photos 

Quotes 

• Barney : There's no way she's above the line on the 'hot/crazy' scale.

  Ted : She's not even on the 'hot/crazy' scale; she's just hot.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Wait, 'hot/crazy' scale?

  Barney : Let me illustrate!

  [draws diagram] 

  Barney : A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the 'Vickie Mendoza Diagonal'. This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.

  [pauses] 

  Barney : I should give her a call.

• Barney Stinson : Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.

  Barney Stinson : Barney, we met at the urinal.

  Ted Mosby : [Flashback]  Hi.

  Barney Stinson : Lesson one: lose the goatee. It doesn't go with your suit.

  Ted Mosby : I'm not wearing a suit.

  Barney Stinson : Lesson two: get a suit. Suits are cool. Exhibit A.

  [gestures at himself] 

• Narrator : Kids, in the fall of 2007 I went out with this girl. Her name was... God, I forget. It was twenty-five years ago, I can't be expected to remember everything. Anyway, it's not important, so for the purpose of this story we'll call her...

  Ted Mosby : Everyone, this is Blah Blah.

  Blah Blah : Please, just call me Blah.

• Lily Aldrin : Marshall, remember how I told you how I made out with someone at the freshman orientation party?

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah, Too-much-tongue guy.

  Ted Mosby : And remember that I told you that at the freshman orientation party, I made out with a girl?

  Marshall Eriksen : Yeah, unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.

  Ted Mosby : Well, I'm too-much-tongue guy.

  Lily Aldrin : And I'm unreasonably-small-mouth-opening girl.

  Barney Stinson : Worst superheroes ever.

• Barney : Ted, the only hot girls that troll the internet for dudes are crazy, hookers or dudes.

  Ted Mosby : Okay, she's not crazy, she's not a hooker, she's not a dude. Although there's this guy I pass on my way to work every day that's all three. Scares the crap out of me.

• Ted Mosby : [When Blah Blah freak out about him being friends with "single, pretty" Robin]  You know who else is friends with Ted? Marshall! How did we meet? It's a good story, I'm gonna tell it. Right now. It was the first day of college...

  [Cut to flashback] 

  Narrator : Kids, to understand this story you need to know that your Uncle Marshall was doing something that lots of college kids do. How do I say this? He was... uh, let's say "eating a sandwich"

  Phil : Dude! I heard the dean is coming. Put out your sandwich!

  [Marshall frantically ties to do this, as Ted walks in] 

  Ted Mosby : Hey

  Marshall Eriksen : Good afternoon. Sir. I'm Marshall Eriksen.

  [Extends hand] 

  Ted Mosby : Sir? Please, just call me Ted

  Narrator : Okay. Dean Ted.

  Ted Mosby : [Smells the air]  Whoa... someone's been eating a sandwich!

  Marshall Eriksen : [Freaks out]  What? No. Really? I don't know, cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like. My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school!

  Ted Mosby : [Looks confused]  Okay...

  [Looks at the bed] 

  Ted Mosby : So, you're bottom bunk. that's cool, I wanted the top bunk anyway.

  Marshall Eriksen : What do you mean?

  Ted Mosby : I'm your new roommate!

  Marshall Eriksen : This is so unfair!

  Marshall Eriksen : [Cut back to the present]  I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean until later that night...

  [Show Ted also "eating a sandwich"] 

• Blah Blah : [after learning Ted and Robin dated]  Oh, I see what's going on here Ted. I'm just some *random* girl to make Robin jealous and after she takes you back, you probably won't even remember my name!

  Ted Mosby : Come on Blah Blah, it's not like that!

• Lily Aldrin : Ted, what's going on?

  Ted Mosby : [Points to Blah Blah]  She knows about us. How we really met.

  Lily Aldrin : Yeah, I know, I just told her.

  Ted Mosby : No, the *real* story

  Lily Aldrin : Ted, what are you talking about?

  Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.

  Lily Aldrin : C'mon what?

  Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.

  Lily Aldrin : [Getting annoyed]  Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.

  Ted Mosby : Lily, c'mon.

• Barney Stinson : [Flashback of the first time Ted and Barney met]  Tonight's the first time I'm taking my deaf brother out since our mom died.

  Ted Mosby : Oh, I'm sorry about that.

  Barney Stinson : No, it's OK. I have to take care of him now. Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold in order to do it, but I'm happy to.

  [Starts crying] 

  Barney Stinson : He's my brother and I love him. I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.

  Ted Mosby : Oh man, I'm really sorry.

  Barney Stinson : Wow, you bought that?

  Ted Mosby : What?

  Barney Stinson : I just made that up mid-pee. It worked on you, it's definitely gonna work on that blonde chick at the end of the bar.