Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)

Valloweaster (2020)

Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jake Peralta : I'll have you know that a dog's butt is cleaner than a human's mouth.

  Terry Jeffords : That can't be true.

  Jake Peralta : Well, a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's mouth, and dog mouths lick dog butts, so you tell me where my theory is wrong.

• Dr. Gabbie Wince : Yep, he swallowed 'em. You can see the gems right here on the X-ray.

  Jake Peralta : And you're sure those are the gems and there's not something horribly wrong with him?

  Dr. Gabbie Wince : Well, the part that's horribly wrong with him is if you look here...

  [Points at the X-ray] 

  Officer Ray Holt : Oh, nobody cares.

• Jake Peralta : Sorry, Rosa, if you wanna switch partners this late in the game, they have to have the same skill set as Scully.

  Hitchcock : I'm available.

  Rosa Diaz : Right, or... That filing cabinet kind of looks like Scully.

• Officer Ray Holt : These fools don't stand a chance against us.

  Jake Peralta : Yeah, they really are fools, aren't they? Just like whoever Agnes and Alfredo beat at singing to get into the Olympics. I know nothing about opera.

• Officer Ray Holt : I can't believe the two strongest competitors got partnered up. We're a dream team like in the 1992 Summer Olympics.

  Jake Peralta : Okay, I know you're not talking about basketball, so just tell me what weird sport you think the Dream Team was from.

  Officer Ray Holt : Sport? I'm talking about the opening ceremonies. Agnes Baltsa and Alfredo Kraus singing back-to-back arias.

• Officer Ray Holt : I gave the bunnies glasses and little blue vests.

  Jake Peralta : The vests add nothing.

  Officer Ray Holt : The vests add gravitas.

  Jake Peralta : [Annoyed]  Your butt adds gravitas!

• Dr. Gabbie Wince : Uh, I'm sorry. Who are all these people?

  Jake Peralta : We're coworkers involved in an elaborate Halloween heist.

  [to Holt] 

  Jake Peralta : Do you seriously not talk to your vet about us?

• Officer Ray Holt : I want to win, Which is why I'm initiating Operation Fabius.

  Jake Peralta : Okay. That does sound kind of cool.

  Officer Ray Holt : Well, it shouldn't. I may have to change the name. Roman dictator Fabius Maximus defeated Hannibal by avoiding battle and exercising patience.

  Jake Peralta : I can be patient. I just listened to you talk about that Fabius guy for, like, four hours.

  Officer Ray Holt : It was two sentences.

  Jake Peralta : Ugh, shut up.

• Officer Ray Holt : I'm sorry. Are you accusing me of something?

  Jake Peralta : Was that not clear? Do you need me to say it in Latin?

  [in Italian accent] 

  Jake Peralta : I think you sabotage me.