- Jake Peralta: I've been dirty long before Nucci came onto the scene. I do a ton of coke. They call me Mr. Springtime because of how fast I make the snow disappear.
- Raymond Holt: Shall we have a read-off, Santiago?
- Amy Santiago: We don't have finger guards.
- Raymond Holt: So we do it raw.
- Terry Jeffords: Okay, I normally don't encourage such childish competitions, but this might help things go faster. My only question is, Holt, are you sure your old ass eyes are up to the challenge?
- Raymond Holt: I know you're just trying to motivate me, but these old ass eyes will be reading your tombstone, son.
- Raymond Holt: I actually took a speed reading course. I tested at 800 WPM.
- Amy Santiago: That's pathetic. I tested at 802.
- Terry Jeffords: That's pretty close to Holt's score.
- Raymond Holt: No, no, 802's incredible. She pwned me. I read the entire Urban Dictionary so I could converse with the other uniformed officers. Finished it in 47 minutes.
- Amy Santiago: I've never been so attracted to a gay man before, and I dated several in college.
- Raymond Holt: We have to let the investigation run its course. Right now, everyone's a suspect.
- Rosa Diaz: Except for Hitchcock and Scully. Whoever did it took the stairs.
- Jake Peralta: The point is we all think Mr. Bean is sexy as hell and wish we looked exactly like him.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: You're closer than you think.
- Jake Peralta: We can never let anyone know that we got beat up by Debbie Fogle.
- Rosa Diaz: Agreed.
- Jake Peralta: Take it to the grave?
- Rosa Diaz: To the grave.
- Jake Peralta: This conversation never happened.
- Rosa Diaz: I don't even know who you are.
- Jake Peralta: That's hurtful. You took it too far.
- Rosa Diaz: That's a weird thing for a stranger to say.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: Rosa, what would you do if you could do anything to Mr. Bean?
- Rosa Diaz: Nothing.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: [Really nervous] Oh, hey, Jake. What's... what's the deal with the office today? It... it feels crazy.
- Jake Peralta: Somebody stole 20 bricks of coke and some machine guns from evidence.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: What? It's the first I'm hearing of it.
- Jake Peralta: Yeah, well, you just got here, right?
- Officer Debbie Fogle: Right. I need you to find whoever did this and kill them... till they're dead.
- Jake Peralta: Mrs. Fogle, we weren't introduced. I'm Jake, Debbie's boyfriend.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: You are? We are?
- Jake Peralta: I mean, yeah, if you're into it.
- Officer Debbie Fogle: I am. I do. See, Mom? I am with someone. All those psychics were wrong.