- Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully, I will say this only once.
- René Artois: Have you ever said anything twice?
- Michelle Dubois: I have, but only once.
- Officer Crabtree: Good moaning.
- [approaches the bar]
- Officer Crabtree: I was just pissing your coffee, when I thought I'd drip in for a drunk.
- René Artois: As you know, I am editing my memoirs...
- Yvette Carte-Blanche: Oh, am I still to be found between the covers?
- Yvette Carte-Blanche: René, surely you are not going to put every detail in your memoirs?
- René Artois: Why, yes! But the names have been changed to protect the innocent. I have changed your name, too.
- René Artois: Something has been eating away at me like a mouse gnawing away at an 'ard bit of cheese.
- Michelle Dubois: Well, come on, René, out with it.
- René Artois: [distracted for a moment] Oh, ah, Michelle, what exactly do you wear under this mackintosh?
- Officer Crabtree: [reminicing about his arrival in France] Ah yes, I remember it well. It was a dick night, and there was no min.
- René Artois: [to the audience] Dark night, no moon.
- Officer Crabtree: I jumped out of a Brittish bummer, which was being chased by some German farters.
- Mimi Labonq: [to Leclerc] I was just telling him about our wonderful wedding photographs.
- René Artois: Yeah, you must give me one next time you come round.
- Mimi Labonq: I will make sure you 'ave an enlargement.
- René Artois: I will look forward to that.
- Lieutenant Hubert Gruber: I notice that there are dark circles around your eyes, are you suffering from stress?
- René Artois: Why no, I, the, eh, I know what it is. I have been using dusty binoculars for birdwatching.
- Lieutenant Hubert Gruber: Oh, how could I forget. You were always a twitcher.
- René Artois: You know, looking back on it all I suppose I should count my blessings. I still have my café, I still have my youthful good looks.