- Dr. Gregory House: [trying to talk over the patient, John, who's panicking over losing feeling in his legs] John! We're gonna figure out what's wrong with you, but first we need to know one thing!
- [dramatic pause in action and background music]
- Dr. Gregory House: Have you ever appeared in any pornos?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: Where were you two when the guy woke up?
- Dr. Robert Chase: Ahm... we just... stepped out for a second.
- Dr. Eric Foreman: To do what?
- Dr. Robert Chase: To get a coffee, we've been up most of the night.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: He's just pushing to make sure we have a complete history. Obviously, we're missing something or we'd have the answer.
- [Foreman looks suspiciously at Cameron]
- Dr. Eric Foreman: You didn't have any coffee when you came back.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: All right already, we confess. You caught us, we snuck into one of the sleep lab rooms to have sex, we shouldn't have done it while we were supposed to be working and we're sorry, now can me move on?
- [Chase looks shocked, Foreman starts laughing]
- Dr. Eric Foreman: House would do Wilson before you'd do Chase.
- Dr. Allison Cameron: No you would do House AND Wilson before I do Chase. Now can we get back to work?
- Dr. Robert Chase: [defensive] She did me once!
- Dr. Eric Foreman: She was stoned!
- [continues laughing]
- Dr. Robert Chase: You can't fake bacterial vaginosis in your mouth.
- Dr. Gregory House: Where's his mouth been?
- Dr. Eric Foreman: He says he hasn't performed oral sex on anyone in over a year.
- Dr. Gregory House: Selfish bastard!
- Dr. Gregory House: I can play the harmonica with my nose, make a penny come out of a child's ear, or any other orifice for that matter, and given the right circumstances can bring two women to simultaneous ecstasy.
- Dr. James Wilson: The right circumstances being their agreement to bill you on the same credit card.
- John Kelley: Look, I don't care what you guys call it: Gulf War Syndrome, Iraq Fever, or just Crappy Sickness X.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're supposed to be in clinic duty.
- Dr. Gregory House: Like I can sleep down there with all the crying and coughing.
- Dr. Gregory House: [while urine is spilling onto the floor out of a bag attatched to House's leg] It's a urine catheter collection bag with a rip in it, what the hell does it look like?
- Dr. Gregory House: There is no medicine like happiness. Except maybe laughter. Or rubber tubes shoved up your urethra.
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Get over me.
- Dr. Gregory House: Give me a break. You hired me...
- Dr. Lisa Cuddy: 'Cause you're a good doctor who couldn't get himself hired at a blood bank, so I got you cheap.