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- Darryl Philbin: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
- Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
- Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
- [Michael is on the roof and Dwight is below with a bullhorn]
- Michael Scott: My life! Oh, my life!
- Dwight Schrute: Michael, what's wrong?
- Michael Scott: Everything's wrong. The stress of my modern office has caused me to go into a depression!
- Dwight Schrute: Depression? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling "bummed out"?
- Michael Scott: Dwight, you ignorant slut! Depression is a very serious illness. Over 32,000 people commit suicide every year according to a 2004 study.
- Dwight Schrute: Is that the last year the data was available?
- Michael Scott: Yes.
- Michael Scott: Heart disease kills more people than balers.
- Lonny: That's called having a fat butt, Michael.
- Michael Scott: No. No, it's sedentary.
- Lonny: Yeah, yeah, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? You have fat butt disease, Michael?
- Kelly Kapoor: Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds.
- Lonny: Yeah?
- Kelly Kapoor: Yeah.
- Lonny: I bet you'd like to swim with this sea monster, wouldn't you?
- Kelly Kapoor: Ryan!
- Lonny: Dude, please tell your girl to shut up.
- Kelly Kapoor: What?
- Ryan Howard: Kelly, you've insulted the gentleman. Please apologize.
- Kelly Kapoor: Are you kidding me?
- Dwight Schrute: Jim, could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned?
- Jim Halpert: Andy, Dwight says welcome back and that he could use a hug.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay. Tell him that that's not true.
- Jim Halpert: Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay, no, Jim.
- Andy Bernard: [chuckles] You guys.
- Dwight Schrute: Tell him that bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim, tell him!
- [Andy walks away to his desk]
- Jim Halpert: Andy... No, it's too far.
- Dwight Schrute: [pause] Damn you.
- Darryl Philbin: We do safety training every year or after an accident. We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a supply box on the top shelf, when one office worker, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...
- [cut to Michael]
- Michael Scott: [laughing hysterically] Hey, Darryl, how's it hanging?
- Dwight Schrute: Hey! Guys, listen up, Michael is up on the roof and acting strange.
- Andy Bernard: Whoa! What's the situation?
- Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. I think he's suffering from depression. Re-shun.
- Andy Bernard: Okay, when's the shunning thing going to end?
- Dwight Schrute: Un-shun. Never. Re-shun. I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him *die*.
- Stanley Hudson: Is it nice outside?
- Dwight Schrute: It's gorgeous. Let's go!
- Stanley Hudson: Do I need my jacket?
- Dwight Schrute: No, it really is. It's very nice. Come on!
- Ryan Howard: Will I be too warm in a long-sleeve tee?
- Dwight Schrute: Everyone's going to be fine in exactly what they're wearing! Let's go!
- Darryl Philbin: [trying to talk Michael out of jumping off the roof] Mike, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well you got to be you.
- Michael Scott: Do you really mean that?
- Darryl Philbin: I couldn't do it. I ain't that strong and I ain't that brave.
- Jim Halpert: [after seeing a Moonbounce castle and Michael up on the roof pretending he's about to kill himself] He's going to kill himself pretending to kill himself.
- Michael Scott: [after bouncing a watermelon onto a car by accident] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Deactivate the car alarm, clean up the mess.
- Dwight Schrute: Okay.
- Michael Scott: Find out whose car that is. If it's Stanley's, call the offices of James P. Albini, see if he handles hate crimes.
- Kevin: If anyone gives you 10,000 to one on anything, you take it. If John Mellencamp ever wins an Oscar, I am going to be a very rich dude.
- Dwight Schrute: [about Michael jumping off the roof onto a bouncy castle] When you land, try and land like an eight-year-old. These bouncy castles are not designed for adults.
- Michael Scott: [during safety training] Seasonal affective disorder. A depression that includes weight gain, fatigue, irritability, brought on by the low light of winter.
- Darryl Philbin: Thank God we only had a baler to deal with.
- Lonny: Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it?
- Darryl Philbin: How many people a year do you think get their arms cut off in a baler?
- Michael Scott: Bail 'er? I hardly know her.
- Lonny: Damn it, Michael, pay attention, man.
- Dwight Schrute: Yes. I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next three years. Which I'm looking forward to. It's an Amish technique. It's like slapping someone with silence. I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.
- [Ryan is watching his watch while Kelly is seated on the desk in front of him talking. The rest of the office staff are seen in the background watching their conversation]
- Kelly Kapoor: So then the next movie moves to the top of the queue. So number five becomes number four, number six becomes number five, number three becomes number two, etcetera, etcetera. And let's just say that I just sent back "Love Actually," which was awesome. And they sent me "Uptown Girls," which is also awesome. But guess what, now I want to see "Love Actually" again, but it's at the bottom of the queue. Oh, no, what do I do? What I do is this. I go online, I go click, click, click, and I change the order of the queue so that I can see "Love Actually" as soon as I want to. It's so easy, Ryan. Do you really not know how Netflix works?
- Ryan Howard: I guess I forgot.
- [stands up, smiles and kisses Kelly on the forehead before collecting his winnings]
- Kelly Kapoor: You're such a ditz.
- Kevin Malone: Ryan, well done. Two minutes, 42 seconds. Additionally, Pam, you win $10 because she said "awesome" 12 times. And Jim, you win $5 because she mentioned six romantic comedies.
- [Pam and Jim smile in delight]
- Michael Scott: [comparing the warehouses's safety training to theirs] They used props, they used visual aids and they just made us look like dopes.
- Dwight Schrute: Idiots! God, what are we going to *do*?
- Michael Scott: I don't know. I don't know. Because you know what our killer is?
- Michael Scott: [simultaneously] Depression.
- Dwight Schrute: [simultaneously] Wolves.
- Michael Scott: [pause] Depression.
- Dwight Schrute: Visual aids?
- Michael Scott: Yes.
- Dwight Schrute: A quilt. A depression quilt?
- Karen Filippelli: [about all of the betting on random things] I don't know this place as well as I thought I did. I'm getting cleaned out.
- Michael Scott: Darryl thinks he's such a man because he works in a warehouse. Well, big deal! I worked in a warehouse. Men's Wearhouse. I was a greeter. I'd like to see Darryl greet people. He'd probably make them feel like wimps. Not me, I... "Hello, I'm Michael. Welcome to Men's Wearhouse. We have a special on khaki pants today." This is one example.
- Darryl Philbin: We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness. Nerf ball. You live a sweet little Nerfy life, sittin' on your biscuit, never having to risk it.
- Michael Scott: An office is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the office. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.
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