- [Gus is attempting to gather information at the tanning salon]
- Salon Attendant: May I help you?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes. I'm here for a tanning appointment.
- Salon Attendant: Um... for yourself?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes, for the Insta-Tan process. I would like that.
- Salon Attendant: But... you...
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yes?
- Salon Attendant: I don't understand.
- [beat]
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, look... screw it, I can't do this. Have you ever seen either of these two guys here before?
- Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! You and you are a one hundred percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love!
- [beat]
- Juliet O'Hara: I need a drink.
- Shawn Spencer: I gotta pee.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Speed dating?
- Marvin: Yeah. Don't laugh, it's actually one of our most popular events. Guys come in here, they sign up, put down a hundred bucks, and they get fixed up with all sorts of people on little six-minute mini-dates.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Did you say a hundred bucks?
- Marvin: Hundred bucks.
- Shawn Spencer: How about fifty bucks for three-minute dates?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Twenty-five bucks for a minute and a half?
- Shawn Spencer: I float you a ten-spot, you introduce us to somebody for fifteen seconds.
- Shawn Spencer: [sniffs] What is that?
- Henry Spencer: What?
- Shawn Spencer: That smell, it's like a... it's like gardenia with a hint of mango.
- Henry Spencer: What?
- Shawn Spencer: [horrified] Oh my God... did you take a bath?
- Henry Spencer: Yes, Shawn, I took a bath.
- Shawn Spencer: With bubbles?
- Henry Spencer: It's this new soap that I'm using. It foams more.
- Shawn Spencer: "It foams more"? Dad, it's called bubble bath!
- Henry Spencer: Well, I don't think it's officially called bubble bath if the bubbles happen accidentally, but whatever, Shawn.
- Carlton Lassiter: [reading a note that Shawn wrote during one of his "episodes"] "To Lassie: On the alpine highway of life, you are my all-weather tires. H and K's, Shawn." What the hell is this?
- Juliet O'Hara: [grinning] H and K's stands for Hugs and Kisses.
- Carlton Lassiter: Look, this is a copycat, okay? He saw Turk's picture in the paper, he's looking for attention.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: So he wakes up and sees Turk in the paper naked, humiliated, the butt of jokes at the water cooler, and says, "Hmm, how can I make this work for myself?" What?
- [on their "speed date"]
- Shawn Spencer: You, me, Burgess Meredith, Hume Cronyn, Nipsey Russell, deserted island. Who are you going to sleep with?
- Juliet O'Hara: Wait... so it's you or a bunch of dead guys?
- Shawn Spencer: Fair. I'll give you Scatman Crothers.
- Juliet O'Hara: Dead.
- Shawn Spencer: Flip Wilson?
- Juliet O'Hara: Also dead.
- Shawn Spencer: Donald Pleasance?
- Juliet O'Hara: None of the above.
- Shawn Spencer: None of the above? Jules, are you kidding me? You...
- [timer goes off]
- Shawn Spencer: You're going to miss me, aren't you? Little bit? Have fun on your next date. But I want you to think about that, okay? Like, if that really happened?
- Juliet O'Hara: [gets up] Bye, Shawn.
- Glenda: Shawn. That's a nice name.
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. My last name is Ulfeninderheinie. Yeah, it's been a tough life. Kids... kids can be cruel.
- Glenda: Yeah. You know, you could probably change that. Uh, what's your mom's maiden name?
- Shawn Spencer: Buzzteats.
- Glenda: Wow. Yeah. "Teats" as in...
- Shawn Spencer: Yeah, yeah. All my ancestors were farmers.
- Shawn Spencer: [to Marvin] Will you do me a favor? In your funny accent, will you say "magically delicious"?
- Fred Turk: Who is that person over there? Because he's really making me uncomfortable.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: I'M making YOU uncomfortable right now? Dude, is there any reason why you're not wearing your clothes now?
- Shawn Spencer: Where are they?
- Henry Spencer: Who?
- Shawn Spencer: The "Queer Eye" guys. I know they're here somewhere. Gus, what are their names?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: How am I supposed to know, Shawn?
- Henry Spencer: Carson and Jai... and the guy with the glasses.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Oh, yeah, who cooks the fish.
- Henry Spencer: Right.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: He says it's the single guys trying to keep up on their tans.
- Shawn Spencer: Single guys?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Yeah.
- Shawn Spencer: Maybe that's it. Maybe some woman is targeting singles at the salon. Question is, what kind of loser thinks getting a tan is gonna help him score a woman?
- [Henry walks out in a robe]
- Shawn Spencer: Dad?
- Shawn Spencer: What is that?
- Henry Spencer: What?
- Shawn Spencer: [picks up a bottle] Exfoliating scrub... with pumice.
- Henry Spencer: Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.
- Shawn Spencer: That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.
- Philip Keiser: [to the police photographer] What are you, some kind of pervert?
- Carlton Lassiter: Cut him some slack, he's just doing his job. You really think he gets his jollies taking pictures of your ding-dong?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: You're gonna pay, Shawn! You are going to pay, believe me.
- Shawn Spencer: No offense, but it's tough to feel threatened by you when you're wearing that shirt. Is that a hibiscus?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: It's not my shirt. It's your dad's. He had to loan me one because mine was covered in snot tears!
- Shawn Spencer: You need to show some chest hair. Chicks dig the sternum bush! Jules, back me up on the sternum bush.
- Juliet O'Hara: I'm gonna go.
- Marvin: [Irish accent] Ooh! Hello, me buckos. I'm Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans, home of the world-famous Blarney Stone Fajitas!
- Shawn Spencer: Hello, Marvin. We're here to speak with the leprchaun.
- Marvin: [normal] Ha ha, very funny, please stop, my tummy is aching from laughing so hard. You guys want a table or what?
- Shawn Spencer: We're going to roll up our sleeves, we're going to get a little bit dirty, and we're going to do some old-fashioned police work. Come on, it's like "In the Heat of the Night", which makes me Caroll O'Connor.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: No, that means you're Rob Steiger. That way, I'm Sidney Poitier.
- Shawn Spencer: You know that's right.
- [Shawn and Gus enter the interrogation room... and see their completely nude witness]
- Shawn Spencer: [turning away] Oh, boy. Wow. Looks like someone beat us to the rolling of the sleeves.
- Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] I'm with you on the aliens thing. They're here, and they've swapped out my father with José Eber.
- Juliet O'Hara: Wow, I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.
- Shawn Spencer: Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year.
- Juliet O'Hara: Oh my God, that's great!
- Shawn Spencer: They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn.
- Shawn Spencer: [to Henry, on Gus's date] Okay, what are you doing? You're putting a negative spin on things, as usual. Look, they might have a few more obstacles than your typical couple if she turns out to be a cold blooded killer, sure. What if they really fall in love, Dad?
- Carlton Lassiter: [to a suspect:] Why don't you remember that while you're trying to take a crap in front of six other guys?
- Shawn Spencer: He's cocky. He thinks he's on a roll, but I'm inside his head, Chief. And I'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest.
- [nods and grins]
- Shawn Spencer: You smell where I'm stepping?
- Karen Vick: Think he's telling the truth?
- Shawn Spencer: Not by a long shot, and look at him. He's not the right height; he doesn't even own a car meaning that you can't match the tire tread. He's cocky, he thinks he's on a roll but I'm in his head chief, and I'm about to hang a Lopez around the frontal lobe and shoot right out of his nose onto his vest... You smellin' what I'm steppin'?
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What is the Spanish language plot outline for He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He's Dead (2007)?
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