Stephen Colbert: President Hathaway

Monsters Vs. Aliens

President Hathaway

The President of the United States: Hang it all! What's the point? It's a disaster.
[he goes to push a huge red button; all the advisors shout "Don't do it"]
Advisor Cole: That button launches all of our nuclear missiles!
The President of the United States: Well, then which button gets me a latte?
Advisor Wedgie: Uuh, that would be the other one, sir.
[camera pans to an identical button next to the first one. The President pushes it and serves himself a cup of coffee]
The President of the United States: What idiot designed this thing?
Wilson: You did, sir.
The President of the United States: Fair enough. Wilson, fire somebody.
Wilson: Yes, sir, Mr. President.

General W.R. Monger: [presenting a slide show about his monsters] Mr. President, say hello to Insectosaurus.
[a woman screams, dropping her tray with china]
General W.R. Monger: Miss Ronson, please. Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub into a 350 foot tall monster, that attacked Tokyo. Here we have the Missing Link.
[Ronson screams and drops her tray again]
General W.R. Monger: A 20,000-year-old frozen fish man, who was thawed out by scientists. He escaped, and went on a rampage at his old watering hole. This handsome fellow is Dr. Cockroach, PhD., the most brilliant man in the world. He invented a scientific machine, that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive. Unfortunately there was a side effect.
[Ronson screams again, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger: Now, we call this thing B.O.B.
[Ronson screams again, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger: WILL SOMEONE GET HER OUTTA HERE?
[off-camera sound of Ronson being taken away, cracking china]
General W.R. Monger: Thank you! A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered ranch-flavored dessert topping at a snack food plant. The resulting goop gained consciousness, and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass. And our latest addition: Ginormica.
[another scream, the same as Ronson's is heard, and it turns out to be the President's]
The President of the United States: [clears his throat] General, continue.

The President of the United States: Boys, set the terror level at code brown, 'cause I need to change my pants.

The President of the United States: Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history as the President who was in office when the world came to an end, so somebody think of something, and think of it fast!
[sips coffee]
The President of the United States: That is a good cup of Joe.

The President of the United States: So that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot!
[Shoots at robot; nothing happens]
The President of the United States: Evidently they eat lead.
Secret Service Man #2: Get him on the chopper!
The President of the United States: I'm brave! I am a brave president!

The President of the United States: I must approach it alone. This is all about peaceful communication.
[helicopters behind him deploy their missile launchers]
Secret Service Man #1: Yes, sir, Mr. President.

[last lines]
The President of the United States: Everyone, let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General W.R. Monger.
General W.R. Monger: Thank you, Mr. President. What a great way, sir, to celebrate my ninetieth birthday.
The President of the United States: Very good, Warren. All right, let's get it started in here. Nerd!
Advisor Wedgie: Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate for the rebuilding of San Francisco.
The President of the United States: Zoinkers! This is gonna be a boring one. Good time for a cup of Joe. Warren, how do you take it?
General W.R. Monger: Hit me with a double venti organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucchino, extra hot with one inch of foam. Non-fat.
The President of the United States: You got it. Black it is.
[he pushes the nuke button by mistake, despite all the advisors shouting at him not to]
General W.R. Monger: My God, man! What have you done?
The President of the United States: Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys. Let's check on the situation in 500 years. Who wants to freeze my head?

Gallaxhar: [deleted scene] Set engines to mega warp turbo six. Muhuhahaha!
Wilson: Mr. President.
The President of the United States: Not now, Wilson. Can't you see I'm busy? How's it coming, French?
[artist makes a painting of the President and says Voila]
The President of the United States: Outstanding! Get that up to the Lincoln Bedroom right away. Put her on the ceiling.
Wilson: Mr. President, the governor of California's demanding an apology for what happened to San Francisco.
The President of the United States: Well, you tell him I'm sorry but that's not gonna happen.

The President of the United States: [deleted scene] Get Monger on line two. No, line one. You know what? Don't second guess yourself. Line two.
General W.R. Monger: Yes, sir, Mr. President?
The President of the United States: General, hi. Um, we're having a bit of a situation here in the situation room and I'm gonna need you to return those monsters to that secret prison facilities place... thingy. Anybody help me out?
[the rest of the board were hit by darts as they almost say the name]
General W.R. Monger: But Mr. President, you gave me their freedom.
The President of the United States: I'm sorry, General. I hate hurting monsters' feelings as much as the next guy but we need someone to blame and it can't be Smitty. Are we clear, General?
General W.R. Monger: Yes sir, Mr. President. You're clear.