Trey Parker credited as playing...
Stan Marsh • Eric Cartman • Mrs. Garrison • Mr. Mackey • Store Security Guard • Mr. Guscotty • Dougie • United Atheist League Members • Lead Otter
- [the kids in class, including a new girl, see Ms. Garrison arriving, not too happy to teach them evolution]
- Ms. Garrison: All right, kids, it is now my job to teach you the theory of evolution.
- Butters: Oh boy!
- Ms. Garrison: Now I, for one, think evolution is a bunch of *bullcrap*! But I've been told I have to teach it to you anyway. It was thought up by Charles Darwin and it goes something like this...
- [she goes up to a large poster of evolution and begins pointing things out with her pointer]
- Ms. Garrison: In the beginning, we were all fish. Okay? Swimming around in the water. And then one day a couple of fish had a retard baby, and the retard baby was different, so it got to live. So Retard Fish goes on to make more retard babies, and then one day, a retard baby fish crawled out of the ocean with its...
- [she waves her left hand limply]
- Ms. Garrison: ...mutant fish hands... and it had butt sex with a squirrel or something and made this.
- [she points to a prehistoric mammal rodent]
- Ms. Garrison: Retard frog-sqirrel, and then *that* had a retard baby which was a... monkey-fish-frog... And then this monkey-fish-frog had butt sex with that monkey, and that monkey had a mutant retard baby that screwed another monkey... and that made you!
- [she faces the class, with the new girl among them looking around]
- Ms. Garrison: So there you go! You're the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!
- Cartman: [impatient for a Nintendo Wii, hops out of his chair and leaves the room, shouting] Haahhh! I can't take it anymore! Haaaaah!
- Ms. Garrison: [thinking Cartman understands evolution] Yeah? You see? I *knew* that would happen.
- [Richard Dawkins continues teaching evolution, with Ms. Garrison looking quite enamored]
- Richard Dawkins: You must understand, children, that we are dealing with very large numbers here.
- Ms. Garrison: [thinks] That's my man.
- Richard Dawkins: So, evolution doesn't even happen by chance. It is, in fact, bound to happen.
- Ms. Garrison: That's right, kids. And so you see, there is no God.
- Richard Dawkins: Careful, darling. The school board doesn't like it when we...
- Stan: Well, there could still be a God.
- Ms. Garrison: [surprised] What?
- Stan: Couldn't evolution be the answer to how and not the answer to why?
- Ms. Garrison: [brings out a triangle and starts ringing it] Uh oh, retard alert! Retard alert, class!
- [she leaves her desk and walks up to Stan's]
- Ms. Garrison: Do you believe in a flying spaghetti monster too, bubblehead?
- Stan: I wasn't talking about spaghetti.
- [Ms. Garrison picks him up, desk and all, and carries him to the front of the class]
- Ms. Garrison: Come on, you! You're gonna have to sit in the dunce chair!
- [sets him down next to the blackboard and crowns him with a dunce cap that says, "I have faith"]
- [the angry Triscotti parents, with their disturbed daughter, are discussing about evolution in Principal Victoria's office with Ms. Garrison]
- Mr. Triscotti: Principal Victoria, we are a devout Catholic family! Do you mind telling me why my daughter now thinks she's a retarded fish-frog?
- Ms. Garrison: [angry] I told you this would happen, didn't I?
- Principal Victoria: Mr. Triscotti, I wasn't aware that...
- Mr. Triscotti: We have worked years to instill the teachings of Jesus Christ into our daughter, and in one fell swoop, you try to destroy everything we did!
- Ms. Garrison: I hear ya!
- Principal Victoria: Sir, if you don't wish your daughter to learn about evolution, then we can pull her out of class.
- Mr. Triscotti: You most certainly will!
- Girl: But Dad, I want to learn everything!
- Mr. Triscotti: No you don't! Shut up!
- [he and his wife take their daughter and leave the room]
- [Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey are counseling Ms. Garrison to teach the kids evolution]
- Ms. Garrison: [with her back to the principal's desk] Principal Victoria, it is wrong! It is wrong and I simply will not do it!
- [she walks back to the desk]
- Ms. Garrison: I care about my students, and I will not fill their heads with lies!
- [she pounds on the desk for emphasis]
- Ms. Garrison: [shouts] I am *not* teaching evolution in my class!
- Principal Victoria: Mrs. Garrison, evolution is in the school curriculum. We have to teach it.
- Ms. Garrison: Evolution is a theory! A hare-brained theory that says I'm a monkey! I am not a monkey! I'm a woman!
- Mr. Mackey: M'kay. Y-you realize evolution has been pretty much, uh, proven.
- Ms. Garrison: I warn you, Principal Victoria! Those students are not prepared to hear this stuff!
- Principal Victoria: Our students want to learn, Mrs. Garrison, and they're mature enough to handle anything.
- [Richard Dawkins, a substitute teacher, has the children take notes about evolution]
- Richard Dawkins: [in a scholarly voice] Over billions of years life has evolved from simple one-celled organisms into all the complex life we see around us.
- Ms. Garrison: Whatever.
- Richard Dawkins: [glances over, then continues] It was changes in hereditary traits that allowed the first mammals to breathe in the air.
- Ms. Garrison: [relating Dawkins' points to her own] Retarded fish-frogs.
- Richard Dawkins: [a bit shocked] Ms. Garrison, I believe that's a gross over-simplification.
- Ms. Garrison: Well, you're a faggot!
- [the look of shock returns to Dawkins]
- Ms. Garrison: Continue.
- Richard Dawkins: You see, children, life has the amazing ability to change, to adapt. Like changing us to the point that we walk upright.
- Ms. Garrison: So you *are* saying that we're all related to monkeys!
- Richard Dawkins: [puts the chalk in the holder below the blackboard] Well, yes, basically, we are.
- Ms. Garrison: Do you see monkeys at the zoo? They crap in their hands and throw it at people!
- Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, this isn't theory, it is scientific fact!
- Ms. Garrison: What about the fact that if I believe in this crap, you're gonna go to hell? Doesn't that bother you a little?
- Richard Dawkins: Actually, no. Because I'm an atheist.
- Ms. Garrison: [rises and walks up to him] Aha! I've got you, you snake-in-the-grass! I found you out!
- Richard Dawkins: I never covered it up.
- Ms. Garrison: [shouts] And if I'm a monkey, then I might as well *act* like a monkey, huh?
- [she acts like a monkey with monkey noises, then pulls down her pants and craps out her butt]
- Richard Dawkins: [shocked] What on earth are you doing?
- Ms. Garrison: Don't ask me, I'm a fuckin' monkey!
- [she grabs her own feces and throws it at Dawkins, who screams in disgust]
- [Ms. Garrison and Dawkins are in bed; she runs her fingers through his chest hair]
- Richard Dawkins: Ms. Garrison, I'm not so sure what you did today in class was right.
- Ms. Garrison: What? But Dick, you told me the world would be a better place without religion.
- Richard Dawkins: Yes, but to be so bold about it...
- [he looks away]
- Richard Dawkins: I've just never seen a woman with such... balls.
- Ms. Garrison: [sits on Dawkins with the blanket over her chest] You've just been too soft on religious people in the past. Think about it, Richard. With your intellect and my balls, we can change the future of the world.
- Richard Dawkins: Can you imagine a world with no religion? No Muslims killing Jews, no Christians bombing abortion clinics. The world would be a wonderful place... without God.
- Ms. Garrison: You're the smartest man on earth, Dick. With me by your side, there's no stopping you.
- Richard Dawkins: Oh, just let me see those beautiful breasts again.
- Ms. Garrison: Oh, all right.
- [she lowers the blanket and the breasts appear, with the implants not balanced]
- Richard Dawkins: Oh yeah, baby! Oh!
- [he shakes his head between the breasts, with the effect of a motorboat's engine revving up]
- Ms. Garrison: [moans] Oh yeah! Aaahhh!
- [Dawkins revs up again]
- Cartman: [seeing people shoot at each other] Jesus Christ!
- United Atheist League Member: [laughs] You believe in a supernatural being.
- Cartman: [Stan, Kyle and Kenny are waiting for the bus at the bus stop and Cartman arrives all bedraggled] You guys! You guys! You guys, you gotta help me!
- Stan: Dude, you don't look so good, Cartman.
- Cartman: I can't take it anymore, you guys. The wait for Nintendo Wii is literally killing me.
- Kyle Broflovski: Well, there's nothing you could do. So you just have to be patient.
- Cartman: No. There is something I could do.
- Kenny McCormick: [muffled] What?
- Cartman: All right, listen: you know how in space movies they put astronauts in suspender animation so that their trip seems really short, right?
- [turns around]
- Cartman: I think I figured out how to do it.
- Stan: Do what?
- Cartman: Freeze myself. If I freeze myself, then in three weeks, when Nintendo Wii comes out, you guys can unfreeze me. The wait will seem instantaneous to me.
- [long pause]
- Kyle Broflovski: No.
- Cartman: It's simple science, Kyle.
- Kyle Broflovski: You'll die, retard!
- Cartman: I'll die waiting for the Wii to come out! Don't you see this is my only chance!
- Stan: Dude, no way.
- Kyle Broflovski: Yeah, I hate you, but I'm not going to help kill you.
- Cartman: I thought you were my friends! I guess I was wrong! After everything we've been through together, you guys won't even help me freeze myself!
- [walks away in a huff]