How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Brunch (2006)

Neil Patrick Harris: Barney Stinson

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a completely unerotic body part.

  Marshall Eriksen : Well, yeah, I'd say that, too, if I had those skinny little chicken legs.

  Barney Stinson : I'll be waiting by the phone for your apology.

• Virginia Mosby : I'd join you, too, but I want to get up early for mass tomorrow.

  Barney Stinson : St. Peter's, 8:45 AM. It's my favorite service.

  Ted : Wait a minute. You're able to cross the threshold of a church?

• Virginia Mosby : Oh, Barney. You're just delightful.

  Barney Stinson : No, you're delightful. I'm delighted. And he's just Ted. I'm really not planning these things; they just keep happening.

• Marshall Eriksen : [after Lily wears a provocative dress to dinner]  Lily is EVIL! She just wore that dress to torture me. Well you know what? Two can play at that game. See at brunch, I'm going to torture Lily right back. Yeah, there's a part of my body that she's got a weakness for too.

  Barney Stinson : Dude, you can't whip that out at brunch.

• Ted : Barney, what are you doing here?

  Barney Stinson : I'm here to meet your parents. They must be dying to meet me after all the legendary Barney stories you've told them.

  Ted : I haven't told them any legendary Barney stories.

  Barney Stinson : WHAT?

  Ted : Here's a list of all the things I talk with my dad about: Baseball -

  [pauses and makes a "that's it" gesture] 

• Narrator : Kids, you know that photo in the den? It was taken back in 2006 when grandma and grandpa came to visit me, and we all went out to brunch. We all look pretty happy right? Wrong.

  Lily Aldrin : [Cut to brunch]  I wish your face would melt off.

  Marshall Eriksen : I wish your eyeballs would explode.

  Lily Aldrin : I hate you.

  Marshall Eriksen : I hate you more.

  Ted : [Cut to Ted and Barney's area of the table]  I'm gonna kill him

  Barney Stinson : I can't say I blame you.

  Ted : No, I'm *seriously* gonna kill him.

  Robin Scherbatsky : [Now to Robin and Ted' mom]  I don't care how unpleasant it is, you have to talk to him!

  Virginia Mosby : Not now!

  Robin Scherbatsky : Okay, if you won't, I will

  [Tries to stand up and accidentally knocks a tray out a a waitress' hand] 

  Narrator : Okay, for any of this to make sense, you gotta understand there are three parts to this story...

• Ted : My dad made out with Wendy the waitress? He cheated on my mom? No, that's impossible!

  Barney Stinson : Ted, it's a well known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.

  Ted : Do you know that whenever you make up a statistic you always use 83%?

  Barney Stinson : You think I'm lying. Well have *you* done any surveys on the subject? Because the good people at www.swingers.openmarriageisnatural/legalizepolygamy.org have and they beg to differ.

  Ted : That's not a real website.

  Barney Stinson : Oh, and I suppose I didn't get a *real* T-shirt for running in their 10k

• Ted : [after Barney tells him that his daddy was making out with Wendy the Waitress]  I wanted to confront him, but I couldn't. I guess I got the let's-not-talk-about-anything-uncomfortable gene

  Barney Stinson : Well, you didn't get your dad's close-the-deal gene, that's for sure.

• Barney Stinson : Ted, it's a well-known statistic that 83% of people married longer than six months are seeing someone on the side.

  Ted : Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83%?