South Park (TV Series)

Mystery of the Urinal Deuce (2006)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mrs. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, Jimmy Valmer, Hardly Boys Announcer, Frank Hardly, Skeeter, Randy Marsh, Mr. Tweak, Sgt. Yates, Clyde, Mr. Donovan, F.B.I. Agent, Government Official, Detective Hardly

Quotes 

• Kyle : So then, who was responsible for 9-11?

  Stan : What do you mean? A bunch of pissed off Muslims.

  Frank Hardly : Yeah, what are you, retarded?

• George W. Bush : We all worked very hard to keep our involvement 9-11 a secret... but you just had to keep digging.

  Kyle : Really?

  "911truth.org" Guy : You wont get away with it. People know.

  George W. Bush : People? You mean "sheeple." We have the majority of them kept in playful ignorance.

  [Draws a gun] 

  George W. Bush : Just one more leak, to fix.

  "911truth.org" Guy : Wait, what are you doing?

  George W. Bush : You've been a thorn in our side for too long, cretin.

  "911truth.org" Guy : No, you can't do this. Please! I'll stop! I'll take down the web site!

  [gun shoved in his mouth] 

  "911truth.org" Guy : Oh God! Oh no, oh no!

  George W. Bush : Too late.

  [Bush kills the 911truth.org guy] 

  Stan : Jesus Christ!

  Donald Rumsfeld : Ha ha ha. He died like a pig.

  George W. Bush : Some pigs never learned.

  Kyle : No, way.

  Stan : He was right, you did cause 9-11.

  George W. Bush : Yes. Quite simple to pull off, really. All I had to do was have explosives planted at the base of the towers, then on 9-11 we pretended like four planes were being hijacked when really we just rerouted them to Pennsylvania then flew two military jets into the World Trade Center filled with more explosives and shot down all the witnesses in Flight 93 with an F-15 after blowing up the pentagon with a cruise missile. It was only the world's most intricate and flawlessly executed planm ever, ever.

  Kyle : [disbelieving]  Really?

  Stan : Why?

  George W. Bush : The oldest reason in the world: money. The towers fell and the American sheeple all waved their flags. Finally we could invade Iraq and get the oil which made us all even richer than before.

  Donald Rumsfeld : Beautiful money. Ha ha ha!

  Kyle : [even more disbelieving]  Really?

  Stan : Is the whole government in on this?

  George W. Bush : We are all knowing and all powerful. Good-bye boys.

  Dick Cheney : [shoots an arrow and misses the boys]  Dang it, I missed again.

  George W. Bush : For Christ's sake, Cheney.

  Stan : Kyle, run!

  [Stan and Kyle exit] 

  George W. Bush : Kill them!

• Stan Marsh : Did they find out who crapped in the urinal yet?

  Kyle Broflovski : Not yet.

  Eric Cartman : They aren't going to find out who did it, but they'll make up a scapegoat, send him to detention, and make us all believe it; it'll be 9/11 all over again.

  Kyle Broflovski : Will you shut up about 9/11?

  Eric Cartman : Kyle, why are you so afraid of the truth?

  Kyle Broflovski : Because anybody who thinks 9/11 was a conspiracy, is a retard!

  Eric Cartman : Oh, really? Well, did you know that over one fourth of the people in America think that 9/11 was a conspiracy? Are you saying that one fourth of Americans are retards?

  [pointing at Kyle] 

  Kyle Broflovski : Yes! I'm saying one fourth of Americans are retards.

  Stan Marsh : Yeah, at least one fourth.

  Kyle Broflovski : Let's take a test sample: there's four of us, you're a retard, that's one fourth.

  [pointing at Eric] 

• Mr. Mackey : Let me assure you there is nothin' funny about going up to a nice clean unsuspectin' urinal, m'kay, droppin' your pants, then turnin' around, squattin' over that urinal, m'kay, maybe... maybe pullin' your butt cheeks apart with your hands, m'kay, and then layin' down a big fudge dragon for all the world to see.

• Joe Hardly : Hmmm. Who would benefit from two buildings dissapearing?

  Frank Hardly : Oooh. Oh, I just started getting a clue.

  Joe Hardly : Really?

  Frank Hardly : Yeah, I'm totally getting a clue.

  Joe Hardly : Oh. Oh, thats giving me a clue. Yea-Yeah I've got a raging clue right now.

  Frank Hardly : Mine's pointing to the left.

  Joe Hardly : Oh, Frank, seriously, I have such a raging clue right now, I think we better follow it.

  Frank Hardly : OK, lets follow your raging clue.

  [both exit] 

  Randy Marsh : God speed.

• Mr. Mackey : The boys bathroom is closed until further notice, because one of you thought it would be a good idea to pull down your pants, m'kay, hover your butt cheeks over the urinal, and squeeze out a chocolate hot dog, m'kay.

  [the kids laugh] 

  Mr. Mackey : You think that's funny, huh?

• Mr. Mackey : How would you feel if somebody came into your home, m'kay, pulled down their pants, and laid a big mud monkey right on your mom's face?

  [Stan laughs] 

  Mr. Mackey : Oh, you think that's funny, huh?

• Mr. Mackey : So when you crapped in that urinal, m'kay, you might as well have just dropped your pants and laid a turd right on top of Mr. Venezuela's head.

  [the kids laugh] 

  Mr. Mackey : Oh, you think it's funny, huh?