House M.D. (TV Series)

Finding Judas (2006)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

Quotes 

• Dr. Eric Foreman : You stash your drugs in a lupus textbook.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's never lupus.

• Judge : I've read the file. You've got 15 minutes.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's people like this who killed Copernicus.

  Judge : Galileo.

  Dr. Gregory House : Either way.

  Judge : And they just locked Galileo up.

  Dr. Gregory House : They killed his spirit and nobody likes a showoff.

• Dr. Gregory House : Luckily, Alice Hartman has a mom who is willing to see reason.

  Judge : You were in here yesterday telling me her father's guardianship was best for her.

  Dr. Gregory House : I honestly figured I'd get a different judge today.

• Judge : [to Alice's bickering parents]  Hey, zip it! I've heard enough.

  Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  This lawyering thing is easy.

  Judge : [to House]  You shut up, too.

• Dr. Gregory House : [about the babysitter Alice's mom hired]  She a 15-year-old pharmacist? Or is it just some kid down the street who need $20 bucks for lip gloss and a couple of Tiger Beats?

• Dr. Gregory House : [yelling at his staff]  She's six! She's cute, she can't have flesh-eating bacteria! It's just wrong! Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies! Cute kids die of terrible illnesses! Innocent doctors go to jail, and it's because cowards like you won't stand up and do what's required! You can sit around and moan about who's the bigger weakling. I'm gonna go do my job.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : [about the patient, Alice]  She's six. Six-year-olds don't get gallstones.

  Dr. Gregory House : So, she didn't have pancreatitis?

  Dr. Allison Cameron : Your theory is an invisible gallstone?

  Dr. Robert Chase : His theory correctly predicted the pancreatitis.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : [to Chase]  You might wanna wait until he actually tell us his theory before you start kissing his theory's ass.

• Dr. Gregory House : Where's my prescription?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : No more free-flowing prescriptions. Princeton PD has already forced Wilson to shut down.

  Dr. Gregory House : A cop says, "Boo," Wilson shuts down.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Every doctor in this place is afraid to make a move without covering his ass.

  Dr. Gregory House : You think maybe you're shouting at the wrong person? Tritter's obviously out to get me. He doesn't care...

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You forged prescriptions!

  Dr. Gregory House : Allegedly.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Your pain has become my pain. From now on, you get reasonable doses at reasonable times.

  Dr. Gregory House : But I hurt in an unreasonable way.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Then dip into your secret stash.

  Dr. Gregory House : Tritter took it.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Then move on to your secret-secret stash.

  Dr. Gregory House : I ran out.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Then move on to your secret-secret-secret stash!

• Dr. Allison Cameron : [when Alice is in the operating room]  Are you saying she never had Reye's? We just put that girl through excruciating pain.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Pain wasn't House's fault. Even if the clot was a reaction to what we gave her, we still have to...

  Dr. Gregory House : [angry tone]  I don't need you to cover my ass! What I need is my Vicodin! Two pills every six hours like I'm on an allowance. She's given the cop leverage over medical decisions. What the hell, why don't we get a plumber in here, ask his opinion?

• Dr. Gregory House : [about Alice]  What's good about this rash?

  [plays with his pointer; Chase, Cameron, and Foreman don't answer] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Good guesses, but no! It's on part of her body that we haven't touched. She's got a fever of 103, she's in and out of conciousness, but it's not a reaction to anything we did. Our mojo is off the table, which means...?

  [waits for an answer, but his staff doesn't respond] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, so close! Means thanks to Cuddy's candy-ass approach, broad-spectrum antibiotics are no longer an option. This thing has grown horns and fangs. We gotta figure out what species it is, go in with a spear to the heart.

  [looks at his staff, but they still don't say anything] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Okay, you guys are sulking. I don't really care why, but apparently I can't do my job without finding out.

• Dr. Allison Cameron : Tritter released our bank accounts.

  Dr. Gregory House : Horrible, horrible news. Wow! I'm glad we didn't let that fester.

• Dr. Robert Chase : Can we talk?

  Dr. Gregory House : Nope.

  Dr. Robert Chase : I really think you need...

  Dr. Gregory House : Either you screwed me and you want absolution or you didn't and you want applause. Either way, not interested.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cameron and Foreman]  Bullies bully. They don't get a reaction, they lose interest.

  [in a menacing tone] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Now go do what I ask before I stick your heads in toilets.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  It's a good thing you failed at becoming a mom 'cause you suck at it!

• Dr. Gregory House : [yells]  I need more pills!

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : No! You are on a reasonable...

  Dr. Gregory House : What the hell does "reasonable" mean?

  [Alice's heart rate and blood pressure go up and her monitor beeps] 

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Keep it quiet. Her BP reacts to stress and yelling is not go...

  Dr. Gregory House : You think that I'm not in pain, then don't give me anything. Keep me away from the aspirin. If I'm in a buttload of pain, I need a buttload of pills.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Fine, you need more pills! You're not getting them. You can have the aspirin you want.

  [House walks out of the room] 

  Dr. Eric Foreman : I say we draw straws. Loser drives out to Trenton, scores him an 8-ball.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Alice's parents]  Sorry, didn't know you wanted your kid dead. Although for a couple of G's, I can still make it happen.

• Dr. Gregory House : [House is playing his PSP in the doctor's lounge when Wilson comes in and starts making a sandwich]  What are you doing here?

  Dr. Wilson : I work here.

  Dr. Gregory House : You passively-aggressively gave up your practice.

  Dr. Wilson : I have clinic hours.

  Dr. Gregory House : Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying, "Wilson doesn't have enough cash for the cafeteria."

  Dr. Wilson : You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose...

  Dr. Gregory House : Oyyeesh! You're gonna confront me with everyone who's ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read.

  Dr. Wilson : He was arrested on obscenity charges, went through a series of arrests because he just couldn't stop challenging the police. He became obssessed with his own legal problems and his act turned into long humorless rants about facist cops and the violation of his rights.

  Dr. Gregory House : I get it, I get it. I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Alice's parents]  Which one of you to gave her an aspirin?

  Edie : What?

  Dr. Gregory House : Her symptoms fit Reye's Syndrome, which doesn't make any sense unless you took aspirin.

  Edie : Rob?

  Rob : No way, she's a kid. I've read the 800 warning labels.

  Edie : I'm not even angry. I just want her to be okay.

  Dr. Gregory House : She's lying, she's angry, 'cause you kidnapped her kid. She'll be angrier if the kid dies.

• Dr. Gregory House : This is my office. I'm talking. There are people here who work for me, but not listening. Explain this to me.

• Rob : [about Alice]  And for all we know, she could get sick again tomorrow.

  Edie : Then I'll take her to our pediatrician. She's six, Rob. She shouldn't have unnecessary surgery.

  Dr. Gregory House : Or a moron for a mom. What can you do?

• Edie : Your honor, I've had no opportunity to consult my attorney.

  Dr. Gregory House : There's no time.

  Edie : All I want is a second opinion before...

  Dr. Gregory House : [in a sing-song tone]  No time!

• Judge : Your testimony is that their child will die if I don't grant this motion right now.

  Dr. Gregory House : Am I under oath?

  Judge : Let's say yes.

  Dr. Gregory House : My testimony is that this child might die if you don't grant this motion right now.

  Judge : Literally no time for a second opinion.

  Dr. Gregory House : Won't be as good as the first opinion.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : [when Tritter freezes Cameron and Foreman's accounts]  Tritter froze my account. They're checking theirs. I'm on hold with a lawyer.

  Dr. Gregory House : [takes Foreman's cell phone, turns it off, and tosses it on the table]  Call Wilson's lawyer. He'll tell you exactly how and why you're screwed. This kid has no history of allergies.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : [shouting]  You gotta talk to Tritter. You gotta make this go away!

  Dr. Robert Chase : [sarcastic tone]  Yeah, great plan! The man's obviously open to reason.

• Dr. Gregory House : [picks up the sandwich and hands it to Alice]  Eat this.

  Alice : I don't feel like eating.

  Dr. Gregory House : Make you better.

  Edie : A sandwich?

  Dr. Gregory House : A magic sandwich.

  Alice : There's no such thing as...

  Dr. Gregory House : Just take a damn bite, okay, kid?

• Dr. Gregory House : [of an infrared pointer]  This baby won me second place in the Clinic's weekly "weirdest thing pulled out of an orifice" contest.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I am this close to putting a new lab in oncology.

  Dr. Gregory House : You do not want to know what came in first.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : House...

  Dr. Gregory House : Rhymes with "fucchini."

• Dr. Gregory House : Let's cure her with sunshine and puppies!