Burt Reynolds, Jason Lee, and Ethan Suplee in My Name Is Earl (2005)

Quotes

Jump for Joy

My Name Is Earl

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Earl: People don't like seeing their enemies. But they do like seeing their enemies behind bars.

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Joy: [to Catalina over the prison visitors' phone] I'm made in America, not a maid in America.

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Catalina: [picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.
Joy: Ain't you sweet. Now Earl tells me that for some crazy reason, you think we're not friends!
Catalina: The first time you saw me you called me a whore.
Joy: No, you just misunderstood what I said. Which is understandable, I mean because you're Mexican.
Catalina: I'm not Mexican.
Joy: Whatever, you speak Mexican.
Catalina: I speak Spanish.
Earl: Well you both speak friendly, so let's just go with that.
Catalina: Look, I'm not stupid. I know you hate me. And I know why you hate me. It's because I'm hot.
Joy: Excuse me?
Earl: [rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.
Catalina: You're jealous of my hotness. Admit it, and I'll consider using my incredible body to free you from prison. But not the prison of your fat body, for that you have a life sentence.
Joy: I'm jealous? Sweetheart, I'm about ten times hotter than you. You're a man compared to me.
Catalina: Really? 'Cause the line on my stomach is from my muscles and not a C-Section scar.
Joy: That is NOT a C-Section scar! That's from when my prom date stabbed me! I had both my babies naturally!
Catalina: Then I'm sure your gatito is as saggy as your breasts!
Joy: [opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!
Catalina: I've heard enough! This was a hell of an apology. Enjoy your jail time. And by the way, your eyeballs are too big for your head. You look like Finding Nemo.
Joy: My eyeballs are big? Yeah well, all the better to see your fat ass waddle away with!

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[Earl and Randy are working out how to convince Catalina to work for Chubby again so he'll pay Joy's bail]
Earl: I don't know Randy, it's kind of a hard thing to ask a friend. Hey Catalina, you feel like working for a crazy man and shaking your half-naked body for a bunch of sweaty drunks to help a woman you can't stand get out of jail?
[Earl turns to Randy, who is daydreaming]
Randy: I'm sorry Earl. After you said "Catalina half-naked" I didn't hear.

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Doris: [on prison visitor phone] Hey, my man's not here. You wanna chat?
Randy: Okay. What are you in for?
Doris: I killed my man.

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Catalina: [Catalina has just found out that Earl wants her to dance - jump - to bail Joy out of jail] I will not jump for Joy!

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Chubby: [smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!
Earl: [Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.
Chubby: Yeah.
[Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]
Chubby: Not you!
Randy: [through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!
Chubby: Alright. Just a whiff.
[Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]
Randy: [satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.
Chubby: [pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?
Randy: [paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!
Chubby: [shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

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Judge Miller: Joy Turner?
Joy: Yes, your highness?
Judge Miller: Mrs. Turner, do you have an attorney today?
Joy: Oh, I don't need one. Besides, I wasn't about to put my mouth anywhere near that pay phone after that meth head puked on it.
Judge Miller: Very well. Bail is set at one million dollars.

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Earl: What are you doin' Randy?
Randy: I'm making a list of rich people with a million dollars we can borrow for Joy's bail.
Earl: The Beverley Hillbillies?
Randy: They're super rich.
Earl: They're pretend Randy, just like Richie Rich and Donald Trump - they're just TV characters.

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Chubby: [on dry-cleaning TV commercial] You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals so why should you treat your clothes any differently? Cos if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate it's...
Chubby: [changes to restaurant commercial] The taste of slow cookin' with the sloppiest sauce around! Now our meats are eased to perfection, so be sure to bring your kids down for...
Chubby: [changes to strip club commercial] Lap dance madness every Tuesday... there's all kinds of fun going on at Club Chubby so come on down! And don't forget: sweat bands are allowed and truckers shower for free.

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[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]
Catalina: You're very good at this.
Randy: I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.
Catalina: Oh, does your mother like to exercise?
Randy: Let's not talk about my mom right now.

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Earl: [voiceover] Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.
Joy: [at copy machine] Can we get some more green ink in this machine?
Kenny James: [as copy shop employee] Is that... are you copying money?
Joy: Ssssh! Don't say anything, I'll make it worth your while!
Kenny James: [attempting to take counterfeit money from Joy] Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you...
Joy: What are you doing?
Kenny James: We have a policy. I signed a loyalty oath.
Joy: Give me my fake money! That's my fake money!
Kenny James: [shouting] COPY RESPONSIBLY, COPY RESPONSIBLY!

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[Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]
Dodge: You're very good at this.
Randy: I used to help my mom with this before she did her mall walking.
Dodge: Oh, does your mother like to exercise?
Randy: Let's not talk about my mom right now.

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Earl: [voiceover] Most mornings I'll wake up thinking about my list. But sometimes I have more important things on my mind. Like court.
Randy: [looking at a walnut between his thumb and forefinger] I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. I bet it explodes like a Death Star!
Earl: You might be disappointed Randy. Like when you got that tow truck driver to drag your pumpkin.
Randy: He drove off before I could get the wig on it!
Randy: [in court] Should I ask him now, Earl? I saw a guy with back there with pistachios
[sic]
Randy: and I don't want him to go before me!
Earl: Well I don't think he's here to get 'em cracked, Randy.