- Lily Aldrin: Why would I want to change anything? This place is great, except you don't have a TV.
- Barney Stinson: [Points to wall] See that wall?
- [Turns on TV]
- Barney Stinson: 300 inch flatscreen! They only sell them in Japan but I know a guy. They ship it over in a tugboat like freakin' King Kong!
- Lily Aldrin: It hurts my eyes...
- Barney Stinson: Yeah, that doesn't go away.
- Ted Mosby: Okay, we HAVE to get Lily out of that apartment. Her roommate is a raccoon.
- Robin Scherbatsky: I'd offer her my place, but I have dogs and she's allergic.
- Ted Mosby: Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend. I think she's more allergic to that.
- Robin Scherbatsky: What about your place, Barney? I know it's shrouded in mystery, but it's gotta have a couch.
- Barney Stinson: The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh come on. She's desperate.
- Barney Stinson: Mmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home, but pass.
- Marshall Eriksen: This is what I miss about being in a couple. I always had someone to go to concerts with, or farmer's market, or brunch. God, I miss brunch!
- Ted Mosby: Well, I guess you could - well, you could try going to brunch alone.
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, you don't think I've tried?
- Marshall Eriksen: [FLASHBACK] Table for one.
- Host: One... Couple?
- Marshall Eriksen: Um, no, just me.
- Host: Really? For brunch?
- Marshall Eriksen: You're right. Who am I kidding?
- [Leaves restaurant. End of Flashback]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, the Popover Pantry! That place is great. Can we go get brunch tomorrow?
- Ted Mosby: Of course, sweetie.
- Marshall Eriksen: Can I go with you guys?
- Ted Mosby: Really? For brunch?
- Barney Stinson: While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...
- Lily Aldrin: Marshall does not porn.
- Barney Stinson: Ha ha ha, that's sweet.
- Ted Mosby: Is that a toilet in your kitchen?
- Ted Mosby: Or a stove in your bathroom?
- Lily Aldrin: Oh... that's not just a stove. That's a stoveinkerator! A combination of a stove, oven, sink and refrigerator. Stoveinkerator! Isn't that futuristic?
- Ted Mosby: God, I hope not.
- Lily Aldrin: Barney, you've clearly some some serious mother issues that have left you the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat. But in my other apartment, I'd be living with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so, you win.
- Ted Mosby: [Marshall and Brad are going to a musical together] Mamma mia?
- Marshall Eriksen: Mamma mia!. You know what? It's supposed to be a great musical, okay? It won all sorts of Tonies and stuff.
- Ted Mosby: No, totally. It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Ooh, third date. You know what that means.
- Marshall Eriksen: It is not a date,okay! It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.
- Ted Mosby: You bros going to get dinner beforehand?
- Marshall Eriksen: We might grab a steak, yeah.
- Ted Mosby: Where at?
- Marshall Eriksen: [Embarrassed] Café l'amour.
- [Ted and Robin laugh]
- Marshall Eriksen: Brad says the food is really good there, okay?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out. You better bring your "A" game. That means no granny panties.
- Marshall Eriksen: All right, you know what? You two are just threatened because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' stuff. Well, guess what? It's my territory now. I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals. That's right. Brad and I are taking back Broadway.
- Barney Stinson: Look around you, Lily! You are in the heart of Bachelor Country. And as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here. Now, you could try to apply for a sex visa, but that only lasts twelve hours... fourteen if you qualify for multiple entry, heh!
- Lily Aldrin: Ewwww... is something some lame, judgmental chick would say, but I say 'gimme multiple high-fives'!
- Barney Stinson: Wow, you really are desperate.
- Lily Aldrin: I really am.
- Marshall Eriksen: Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?
- Ted Mosby: Because brunch is kind of...
- Robin Scherbatsky: ...Girlie.
- Marshall Eriksen: Girlie? Breakfast isn't girlie, lunch isn't girlie, what makes brunch girlie?
- Ted Mosby: I don't know... nothing girlie about a horse, nothing girlie about a horn... but put them together and you get a unicorn.
- Narrator: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma. In all the years we lived in new york, none of us had ever set foot in his apartment. Until one day, one of us did.
- Barney Stinson: [In Barney's bed, Lily and Barney wake up] Aaaaaaah!
- Lily Aldrin: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
- Narrator: It's a pretty good story. And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role.
- Ted Mosby: [after hearing Brad invited Marshall to a wedding] Okay, that's not too bad. Two single guys on the prowl. It'll be like "Wedding crashers".
- Robin Scherbatsky: Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.
- Barney Stinson: You were supposed to be the vaccine, but you gave me the disease. You gotta go.
- Lily Aldrin: Barney. I don't think you're mad at me. You're mad at yourself. You let down your guard, and let someone into your life, and it actually felt okay. And that terrifies you.
- Barney Stinson: Uh-huh. You gotta go.
- Barney Stinson: [both screaming after waking up in the same bed] I can't believe we just... You and I... What have we done?
- Lily Aldrin: [realizing, relieved] Nothing. Nothing happened. We-we just went to sleep.
- Barney Stinson: Just went to sleep? I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman and not make a move. How could... You. You spooned me against my will.
- Lily Aldrin: Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
- Barney Stinson: We... We... We redecorated my place. We stayed in on a Friday night to watch Letterman, and then slept together and didn't have sex? Oh, my god, we're in a relationship.