- Simon Stiles: I'm livin' in a new house now. You haven't been there. I'm up in the hills, near the Hollywood sign, and from my pool I can see South Central. I saw a murder up close when I was fifteen. Three guys shot a friend of ours 'bout ten times in the chest with 38s. You know it doesn't look like it does in the movies. Ask a homicide cop. It ain't poetry in motion, it's... everything inside comes outta every part of you. Anyway, we spent the next day planning how we were gonna kill these guys who did it. And when it was time, the leader of the guys I ran with, a guy named Donnell, turned to me and said, "You're not going." I said, "Like hell I'm not goin'." He said, "You're not going. You go, and I'll kill you first." Those guys are all doing consecutive life sentences, no chance of parole. They weren't charged as juveniles. Donnell is in a Federal Maximum Security Facility in Minnesota. Every month, I send him the only things I'm allowed to send him, cigarettes and stamps. I can see it from my pool, Matt. And if I don't reach in there and grab as many of them as I can carry, every day, then I deserve get sent right back to it.
- Simon Stiles: There is nothing like the wit and originality of the differences between white people and black, and, apparently, the biggest difference is that we don't pay our bills, respect the law, women, or each other.
- Danny Tripp: You need to trust me on this.
- Matt Albie: You are?
- Danny Tripp: Twice divorced
- Matt Albie: And you have?
- Danny Tripp: No one special in my life
- Matt Albie: And you haven't for?
- Danny Tripp: Quite some time
- Cal Shanley: Suzanne, tell your guys to put tarps over everything. The last time we had a wrap party in the studio we had to shut down for two weeks while we replaced the studio.
- Jordan McDeere: Cal!
- Cal Shanley: Jordan.
- Jordan McDeere: Great show!
- Cal Shanley: Thanks
- Jordan McDeere: You're great!
- Cal Shanley: Thank you again.
- Jordan McDeere: I've had a couple of glasses of wine.
- Cal Shanley: No one would ever know
- Jordan McDeere: I just bought my first show.
- Cal Shanley: We heard, congratulations!
- Jordan McDeere: It's a one hour drama about the United Nations.
- Cal Shanley: It can't miss.
- Jordan McDeere: I'm celebrating!
- Cal Shanley: Well, enjoy the party.
- Jordan McDeere: I'm also hiding from Jack Rudolph. I didn't bid on a reality show he wanted, and then to add injury to...
- Cal Shanley: Insult to injury.
- Jordan McDeere: Insult to injury, Wilson White backed me and took Jack's legs out from under him, so I'm hiding here tonight. This is like for me Superman's Dome of Pleasure.
- Cal Shanley: Fortress of Solitude.
- Jordan McDeere: Yes!
- Cal Shanley: Well, enjoy yourself.
- Jordan McDeere: I believe I will!
- Jack Rudolph: [bursts through the doors] Guess who's in the hizzaayy!
- Cal Shanley: SUZANNE! Tarps over everything!
- Tom Jeter: [Tom is giving his parents a tour of the studio] Anyway, burlesque became vaudeville, and the biggest acts played the Addison. Don Ameche, Eddie Cantor, Burns and Allen, Eva Tanguay. And one night, two young guys named Bud Abbott and Lou Costello tried out a new piece of material here called "Who's on First?"
- Mr. Jeter: You say that like it's famous.
- Tom Jeter: It is. It's "Who's on First?"
- Mrs. Jeter: Say it again?
- Tom Jeter: Abbott and Costello, "Who's on First?"
- Mrs. Jeter: Honey, Dad and I don't watch Comedy Central.
- Tom Jeter: No, it's old. It's from vaudeville. It's the most famous piece of American comedy ever. And it was genius.
- Mr. Jeter: Well...
- Tom Jeter: It was, Dad. I'm amazed that you've never...
- [Long pause]
- Tom Jeter: It was two guys, and one had bought a baseball team, and the other guy wants to know the names of the players. And the first baseman's named...
- [Long pause, as Tom's parents stare expectantly]
- Tom Jeter: To explain this, I think we'd find ourselves in the middle of a whole new sketch. Let's keep walking.
- Matt Albie: Maybe he just needs
- Simon Stiles: What HE needs is a bottle of Colt 45 and a bucket of fried chicken, Matt.
- Matt Albie: It wasn't that bad.
- Simon Stiles: DON'T patronize me!
- Mrs. Jeter: Tommy, tell us how you put the skits together.
- Tom Jeter: We don't do skits, Mom. Skits are when the football players dress up as the cheerleaders and think it's wit. Sketches are when some of the best minds in comedy come together and put on a national show watched and talked about by millions of people.
- Mr. Jeter: Don't you talk to your mother like that.
- Tom Jeter: You're standing in the middle of the Paris Opera House of American TV.
- Mr. Jeter: Well, that's swell, Tom, but your little brother is STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF AFGHANISTAN!