The Whitest Kids U'Know (2007–2011)
Zach Cregger: Various, Auctioneer
Photos
Quotes
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[Englishman #1 begins to urinate on Englishman #2's leg]
Englishman #2 : I say, sir. You seem to be peeing upon my leg.
Englishman #1 : Ah, what's all this?
Englishman #2 : Uh, good sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.
Englishman #1 : Ah! Well, it seems to me that your leg's in the way of my pee stream.
Englishman #2 : Yes, yes, well, I'm sure you'd find if you would just kindly angle your pee stream a fraction to the left, that it would find it's way to the ground quite uninterrupted.
Englishman #1 : And I'm quite sure that if you'd but move your leg a fraction to the left, you would find it would cease to be peed upon.
Englishman #2 : Yes, yes, yes, yes. But my leg was here first.
Englishman #1 : Yes, and still I pee.
Englishman #2 : Hmm.
Englishman #2 : It appears we're at an impasse.
Englishman #2 : Yes, I see, but you will eventually run out of pee, of which to expel upon my leg, thus leaving me the victor in this little battle.
[Englishman #1 brandishes a watter bottle]
Englishman #1 : Ha!
Englishman #2 : Hmm, touché. Touché. And yet you merely delay the inevitable. 'Cause eventually that water bottle will be rendered dry and your bladder will follow in turn.
Englishman #1 : [to British Boy] I say, boy!
British Boy : Yes, gov'nor?
Englishman #1 : Be a good chap. Run to Boobie's Water Pub, return here with a half-liter. Be a good lad, and steady, and they'll be more employment where that came from.
Englishman #2 : I say, boy, I'll give you a whole two pence not to go to Boobie's Water Pub, and instead to go home and mind your studies.
British Boy : Oh, boy! My studies!
Englishman #1 : You get to Boobie's Water Pub or I'll box your ears!
British Boy : Right!
[pause]
Englishman #1 : And still I pee.
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Englishman #2 : Yes, yes, you still pee, and I still stand. And I can stand here all night, for I am unemployed.
Englishman #1 : Ah, as it is with me.
Englishman #2 : Ah-ha! Then you shan't long afford this errand boy to supply you with your future pee stream.
Englishman #1 : [thinks] I shall offer him sexual favors.
Englishman #2 : Sexual favors? But he's just a boy!
Englishman #1 : But we are British.
Englishman #2 : Touché. And yet you overlook something. How do you plan to perform these sexual favors you intend to promise this boy if your genitalia is indefinitely committed to the act of peeing upon my person?
Englishman #1 : I happen to know that the child enjoys golden showers.
Englishman #2 : Ah-ha! Then his face will have to interrupt your pee stream, thus freeing my leg of its flow.
Englishman #1 : Ah. The boy will take up the act of peeing upon your leg, and I in turn will pee upon his face.
Englishman #2 : You clever devil. The game is on.
[They shake hands]
Englishman #1 : It's a gentleman's challenge. May the best man win.
Narrator : We all know the story by now. William Shakespeare and Sir Francis Bacon continued on that way and their final plays they were working on were never finished. They battled on into the night. Spring turned to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Centuries passed, then millennia. Empires rose and fell, suns exploded. JFK was assassinated and then re-born in Argentina. Thirty-eight years later, he died in infancy of cholera. But I digress... enough about our former president who now walks the streets as a bizarre half-shadow, half-man named "Tankra" whose only fear is the light and only joy the dark... but again, I digress... for as we all know, to speak Tankra's name is to to summon her awful presence.
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Zach : We wanna join the army!
Trevor : We wanna be in a plane! And one of the planes that shoots, not one of those faggy food planes.
Sergeant : Ok, so you want to join the Air Force Division.
Zach : ...I guess.
Sergeant : That's where the airplanes are.
Trevor : *Air* Force, *air*plane. Makes sense.
Sergeant : Ok, so your preferred assignment would be to...
Zach : OR, we want a gun that's so big that you can't even hold it, and it needs wheels! Ha! Awesome!
Sergeant : Ok, well that sounds more like Infantry.
Trevor : I wanna parachute at night into a city!
Sergeant : Well, now, that sounds like Air Force.
Trevor : Air Force, that sounds cool! It's like, the force of the air!
Sergeant : You guys know that this is a serious decision that you're making...
Zach : Seriously awesome!
Sergeant : There's been a lot of fighting lately, with these terrorist groups...
Zach : Yes! I wanna be a terrorist!
Trevor : The terror of the force of the air!
Sergeant : ...No, we are against the terrorists.
Trevor : That's right, because they double crossed us! They were double agents!
Sergeant : No, that's not what happened...
Trevor : My spy name is gonna be Sergeant Eagle Fort!
Zach : And you can call me Crowbar!
Sergeant : I think you two should put some serious thought into this.
Zach : We've got this all planned out, baby.
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Father : You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.
Trevor : [grossed out] Aw, dad...
Father : Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".
Trevor : Aw, come on!
Father : Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!
Trevor , Zach , Sam : Oh, dad!
Sam : Be quiet!
Father : Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!
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[in an office, the employee is pitching new TV show ideas to his boss]
Employee : He was a young, well-to-do stock trader, shopping for a gift for his fiancée, until one fateful day when he accidentally broke a priceless vase! Now the tables have turned, and this young go-getter must spend his life in service to this eccentric Asian shopkeeper! Check out the hilarious new show, Yuppie Indentured Servant!
Boss : ...well... the problem with your pitch is that the show is racist...
Employee : What? It's a fish-out-of-water story!
Boss : Okay, but, the fish-out-of-water story is that it's weird for a white man to be a slave to an Asian man, which suggests that the norm would be the other way around.
Employee : Psh. I guess. Whatever. So do you like it?
Boss : ...No.
Employee : Aw, shitburgers! I got another one.
Boss : Okay.
Employee : [sings] Well, he was riding his bike, and then the lightning strikes, and now he reads real fast, he's good at science and math, Black Doctor!
Boss : ...I'm gonna go out on a limb, here. Where exactly did he get the bike?
Employee : He stole it!
Boss : Right, that's what I thought. You know, I don't think we're gonna be going down the road with Black Doctor.
Employee : Really? Damn it! Ok, I got one more.
Boss : Go ahead.
Employee : It's called "Jew Town"!
Boss : Nope!
Employee : How 'bout "Too Many Lesbos"?
Boss : Nope!
Employee : "What's the Deal with Mexican Tits"?
Boss : Get out.
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Angry Mormon Father : [constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Yes, father.
Petrified Mormon Mother : Timothy, your father and I...
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : [nods] Yes.
Angry Mormon Father : However, today is your thirteenth birthday!
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.
Angry Mormon Father : Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...
[he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]
Angry Mormon Father : Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!
Petrified Mormon Mother : [murmurs incoherently]
Angry Mormon Father : SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.
[they touch hands]
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!
Angry Mormon Father : Happy birthday, son.
Timothy the Mormon Manchild : Thank you, sir!
