- Charlie Kelly: [Charlie's America Song] I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!
- Charlie Kelly: Hey Ry, how you feeling? Hey, look man, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but if your not too busy showering in your brother's urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette?
- [Charlie laughs]
- Charlie Kelly: Thanks, bro! Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you want to stab me would be great for me!
- [Liam stabs him with a fork]
- Charlie Kelly: Ahhh! Ohh!
- Liam McPoyle: That's what you get, Charlie! You get fork stabbed!
- Dennis Reynolds: If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.
- Charlie Kelly: I *work* in this bar. I work here.
- Dennis Reynolds: But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers
- Frank Reynolds: Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
- Dee Reynolds: You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!
- Frank Reynolds: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.
- Dennis Reynolds: If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.
- Charlie Kelly: You gotta be... you don't know shit about the Constitution, man.
- Mac: Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.
- Dennis Reynolds: Thank you.
- Dee Reynolds: Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.
- Dennis Reynolds: You hate it.
- Charlie Kelly: Oh, *I'm* un-American?
- Frank Reynolds: You're practically a Viet Cong.
- Dennis Reynolds: The t-shirts are working.
- Mac: Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.
- Dennis Reynolds: I love this country.
- Mac: I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some flyers...
- Dennis Reynolds: We need to go the library. At sorority houses you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.
- Mac: Perfect.
- Dennis Reynolds: You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...
- Charlie Kelly: You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, "Don't. Tread. On me," and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.
- Dee Reynolds: So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.
- Artemis: What's the venue?
- Dee Reynolds: A sidewalk.
- Artemis: I don't do sidewalks.
- Dee Reynolds: That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.
- Artemis: Is there any nudity involved?
- Dee Reynolds: No.
- Artemis: Can there be?
- Dee Reynolds: No
- Artemis: I'll do it anyways.
- Mac: Well, then, what would you say?
- Dennis Reynolds: She's a quitter.
- Dee Reynolds: You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.
- Dennis Reynolds: And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.
- Mac: Right. Failed.
- Dennis Reynolds: Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.
- Dee Reynolds: Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.
- Frank Reynolds: It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.
- Dee Reynolds: Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.
- Charlie Kelly: Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.
- Dennis Reynolds: Good work.
- Charlie Kelly: No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.
- Dennis Reynolds: That's why we call it Charlie Work.
- Charlie Kelly: You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.
- Dee Reynolds: Where are we going?
- Charlie Kelly: We're gonna go America all over their asses!
- Frank Reynolds: Do we have any sharp knives?
- Mac: What?
- Dennis Reynolds: What?
- Frank Reynolds: These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.
- Dennis Reynolds: Fingers!
- Mac: What are you talking about?
- Frank Reynolds: If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!
- Mac: Okay, this has gone way too far.
- Dennis Reynolds: This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!
- Frank Reynolds: Bullshit!
- Mac: You are *killing* our freedom, man!
- Frank Reynolds: This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!
- Dee Reynolds: I am not a failure!
- Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
- Dennis Reynolds: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
- Mac: Dee is a failure.