- Brian Michael Hackett: "Solid citizen Joe. He always does the right thing." You know I bet you don't even tear that stupid tag off the mattress.
- Joe: It says "Do not remove"!
- Joe: When you're up there looking down everything sorta makes sense... well, not in a intellectual way but kinda spiritually. It never fails, every time I fly I come back a little surer there's a God.
- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Look, there's no reason to get upset.
- Brian Michael Hackett: I want to get upset. I LIKE to get upset. Getting upset makes me happy! You ought to try it sometime.
- Brian Michael Hackett: That key opened up a safe deposit box, which had a key for another bank. Which led to another key to another bank. Which led to two bus stations, a post office, a train depot, and a kennel. And you wanna know what we found?
- [Reaches into his pocket]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Another key. And you wanna know where it goes? I'll tell you where it goes. We don't KNOW where it goes!
- [Slams the key on the table]
- Brian Michael Hackett: THAT'S where it goes.
- Joe: [Carol left Brian] That pig!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Okay, I'll give you that. But she was MY pig.
- Joe: Well, at least the other guy wasn't your brother!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah. Yeah. My brother would never have done that to me.
- [Beat]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Kinda thought if Pop left us some money, she might wanna come back.
- [Beat]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Hey, listen Joe: No matter whose fault it was, if losing Carol made you feel the way I've felt since she's left, then... I'm really really sorry.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Come all the way back here, and what do I end up with? Nada, zippo, zero, zilch! With nothing.
- Joe: [Beat] You've got Carol.
- Brian Michael Hackett: Oh, so now we get to it, huh? I thought you said you were over that.
- Joe: Over you stealing the love of my life?
- Brian Michael Hackett: I didn't steal her. She came after me.
- Joe: Aw, come off it. Carol doesn't have a deceptive bone in her body. She's kind, and good, and honest. And you stole her from me, and it hurts. It hurts bad. I don't think you could ever know how much.
- Brian Michael Hackett: [Beat] She left me for another guy.
- Joe: She left you too?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Yeah.
- Joe: That pig!
- Brian Michael Hackett: Can't get sidetracked now again. We got to keep our eyes on the prize.
- [an attractive woman walks by]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Whoa, major hooters.
- [to Joe]
- Brian Michael Hackett: We can't let those...
- Attractive Woman: What did you say?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Major Hooters. Major Bob Hooters, U.S. Air Force, at your service.
- [He salutes. She rolls her eyes and walks away, while Joe drags Brian out the door]
- Brian Michael Hackett: Uh-oh, scramble. Red alert. Rest easy tonight, little lady. Our boys are in the air. And so are yours!