- St. Agnus Coach: I'm not looking for athletes, Earl. I'm looking for ballplayers and I just found one.
- Squints: All right, Mr. Chairman, we accept the challenge. On one condition. The game for the sandlot is played on the sandlot.
- Wings: [to Timber] Just try and hit my bat, okay?
- Timber: [Timber's pitch hits Wings in the groin] Sorry.
- Wings: [falls to ground in pain] Geez. Wrong bat, Timber!
- DP: Guys, look at this.
- Q: What are we gonna do about Timber's control problems?
- Tommy: I'll bet Wings has got some good ideas.
- Wings: [in a high-pitched voice] Timber, if I live... you're dead!
- Tommy: [screams] AHHHHHH!
- Sara: Well, hello there, sleepyhead.
- Tommy: W-w-where am I?
- Sara: You're home, sweetheart.
- Tommy: No, no, no. Something's really wrong. Mom? Am I dead?
- Sara: Now why would you ask such a silly thing?
- Tommy: Because I am wearing my Speed Racer PJs that I haven't seen in 30 years.
- Sara: All right, fine. I got a little backed up on the laundry. There's still a lot of unpacking to do. Don't worry, your Batman and Robin ones haven't run off.
- Tommy: Mom. Do you know how old I am?
- Sara: Twelve, almost thirteen.
- Sara: No. I'm 41 years old, I live in Beverly Hills, I have a smoking hot girlfriend who has her own reality show, I play center field for the Dodgers? And somehow I'm back here, and you're here, and the pancakes smell so real that I think I am gonna throw up.
- DP: This isn't the part where you go off about the Dodgers, the Hall of Fame and your smokin' hot girlfriend, is it?