Trama

Pitka, an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge is to settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player whose wife left him for a rival athlete.

Born in America, but raised in Havemahkeeta in India, with a population of 76, Maurice had always to better Deepak Chopra, and be sexually active, ever since he was 12. His Guru, Tugginmypudha, while approving of Deepak, cautions Maurice and has a chastity belt put around his waist, much to Maurice's chagrin. Years later, Maurice has established himself as Guru Pitka in America, but would like to appear in the Oprah Show and be better than Deepak Chopra. When Jane Bullard from the the Toronto Maple Leafs hires him to counsel their star hockey player, Darren Roanoke, to win back his wife, Prudence, from Kings' star player, Jacques Grande, and also stand up to his dominating mother, Lilian, he agrees to do so - with hilarious results.—rAjOo (gunwanti@hotmail.com)

Guru Pitka (Mike Myers) is the self-proclaimed "number-two Guru in the world", after Deepak Chopra. A flashback shows that Pitka was an orphan, taught by Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley). When the twelve-year-old Pitka announces he wants to become a Guru so that girls will love him, Tugginmypudha puts a chastity belt on him until he can learn that loving himself is more important than being loved by others. Pitka asks if he can still masturbate but is warned if he attempts to he will become blind with Strabismus like Tugginmypudha.

Pitka's dream is to become the number-one Guru and appear on The Oprah Winfrey Show. He lives a charmed life with thousands of followers, including the celebrities Jessica Simpson, Val Kilmer and Mariska Hargitay. His teachings, which involve simplistic acronyms and plays on words, are displayed in PowerPoint slide shows.

In Canada, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba) inherits the Toronto Maple Leaf's hockey team, who are on a losing streak; her star player, Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco), has been playing badly ever since his wife Prudence (Meagan Good) left him for Los Angeles Kings goaltender Jacques "Le Cocq" Grande (Justin Timberlake). Jane is a big fan of Pitka's and offers to pay him $2 million to patch up Darren's marriage, so the team can win the Stanley Cup. Pitka's agent tells him that if he succeeds, Oprah will have him on her show. Pitka meets the team coach, Cherkov (Verne Troyer), who is there with Jane for his seminar, and mocks his dwarfism.

Pitka and Jane bond on the plane ride. Jane became a fan of Pitka's work due to the death of her father (in real life, Mike Myers became a fan of Deepak Chopra after his father's death). Jane admits she has a crush on him, and Pitka asks if she has a husband or a boyfriend which she says no to. Pitka is surprised she is single. Pitka asks if she is a lesbian, she chuckles but admits to experimenting once in college which causes Pitka to get an erection and his chastity belt loudly clanks. He grimaces in discomfort and crosses his leg over his lap.

Jane reveals the "Bullard Curse." Canadian hockey fans dislike her very much and throw food at her when they see her.

Pitka encourages the rival team to beat Darren up during a game, to distract him from his distress over his wife's affair. Darren begins to play well but then gets suspended for the next two games after beating up Le Cocq and hitting Coach Cherkov with a hockey puck.

Later, Pitka has dinner with Jane. Pitka tries to kiss Jane, only to hear a ding on his chastity belt. Upset when he tells her their love cannot be, she runs out.

Pitka advises Darren to write an apology to Prudence and fights off a rooster to deliver the letter. After they lose three games, Coach Cherkov berates Jane and punches Pitka in the groin. He is only slightly injured from hitting the chastity belt, but Pitka moans and has a tantrum about the pain in his testicles as they are already sensitive due to 33 years of blue balls.

Dick Pants (John Oliver) warns Pitka to hurry up the process or he will lose his spot-on Oprah again to Deepak Chopra. Pitka is adamant that Darren is not ready. Pitka and Darren attempt a confrontation, but her invective ends up scaring both of them away. Pitka helps Darren realize that since his mother only showed him love when he succeeded, he had grown to believe Prudence would only love him as long as he won. Pitka then drives himself and Darren to Niagara Falls for a "Heart to Heart".

With time running out, Pitka distracts Le Cocq with his idol, Celine Dion, then tells Prudence that Darren stood up to his mom, encouraging her to return to her husband. During the lead up to the final game, Le Cocq, having heard that Darren cannot play with his mother in the audience, gets her to sing the national anthem, causing Darren to flee. At the airport on his way to guest on Oprah, Pitka sees the news on television and defies his agent by going back to help Darren. Pitka reveals to Jane his chastity belt to explain why he pulled away from her, and Jane reveals that she is understanding of his spiritual vow.

After smoothing things over with his mother, Darren recovers until Le Cocq brags that Prudence prefers him in bed. Darren freezes and Pitka realizes he needs another distraction, which he provides by getting two elephants to have sex in the middle of the rink, in front of the live television audience.

Darren wakes up from his stupor and scores the winning goal. After the game, Coach Cherkov apologizes for the groin attack, Pitka offers a hug but as Cherkov obliges he punches him in the face and threatens to beat him up if he ever attacks him again. They then make up and become friends. He then meets Deepak Chopra and decides that he is fine with being the first Guru Pitka instead of the next Deepak Chopra.

Back in India, Guru Tugginmypudha tells Pitka that he has finally learned to love himself and removes Pitka's chastity belt, revealing there was a hook in the back. The film ends with Jane and Pitka dancing together in a Bollywood-style number to a rendition of "The Joker".