Bruce Campbell: Sam Axe

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Sam Axe

Michael Westen: [voice-over] My name is Michael Westen. I used to be a spy. Until...
voice on phone: [phone rings] We got a burn notice on you. You're blacklisted.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] When you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in.
Michael Westen: Where am I?
Fiona Glenanne: Miami.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you. A trigger-happy ex-girlfriend...
Fiona Glenanne: Shall we shoot them?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] An old friend who used to inform on you to the FBI...
Sam Axe: You know spies... bunch of bitchy little girls.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] Family too...
Sam Axe: [phone rings] Hey, is that your Mom again?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... if you're desperate.
Madeline Westen: Someone needs your help, Michael!
Michael Westen: [voice-over] Bottom line? Until you figure out who burned you... you're not going anywhere.

[seasons 6 and 7 opening]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] My name is Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until...
voice on phone: [phone rings] We got a burn notice on you. You're blacklisted.
Michael Westen: [whistles]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] When you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in.
Michael Westen: [groggily] Where am I?
Fiona Glenanne: Miami.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] You do whatever work comes your way.
Michael Westen: [snaps fingers, car explodes]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] You rely on anyone who's still talking to you:
Michael Westen: [laughs]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... a trigger-happy girlfriend...
Fiona Glenanne: Should we shoot them?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... and old friend who used to inform on you to the FBI...
Sam Axe: You know spies: bunch of bitchy little girls.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... family, too...
Sam Axe: [phone rings] Hey, is that your mom again?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... if you're desperate...
Madeline Westen: Someone needs your help, Michael.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... and a down-and-out spy you met along the way.
Jesse Porter: That's how we do it, people.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] Bottom line: as long as you're burned, you're not going anywhere.

Divya Katdare: ["Characters Welcome" crossover ad with "Royal Pains": Divya Katdare is diagnosing Sam in a bar] It could be excessive blood loss or hypoglycemia. Are you on a diuretic?
Sam Axe: No.
Divya Katdare: Perhaps it's even psychogenic polydipsia.
Sam Axe: Oh?
Divya Katdare: Any one of those could be causing your excessive thirst.
Sam Axe: I see.
Waiter: [gives Sam a beer bottle] Here you go, sir.
Sam Axe: Thank you.
[he takes a drink from it]
Sam Axe: Hey! What do you know? It's gone! It's like a miracle cure!
Divya Katdare: Miraculous.
Sam Axe: Doesn't mean it's stopped. Sammy's very sick.
Divya Katdare: Is this how you usually pick up women?
Sam Axe: No, usually I just get 'em drunk. Waiter!

[season 1 opening except pilot]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] My name is Michael Westen. I used to be a spy, until...
voice on phone: [phone rings] We got a burn notice on you. You're blacklisted.
Michael Westen: [whistles]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] When you're burned, you've got nothing: no cash, no credit, no job history. You're stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in.
Michael Westen: [groggily] Where am I?
Fiona Glenanne: Miami.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] You do whatever work comes your way. You rely on anyone who's still talking to you:
Michael Westen: [laughs tightly]
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... a trigger-happy ex-girlfriend...
Fiona Glenanne: Should we shoot them?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... an old friend who's informing on you to the FBI...
Sam Axe: You know spies: bunch of bitchy little girls.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... family, too...
Sam Axe: [phone rings] Hey, is that your mom again?
Michael Westen: [voice-over] ... if you're desperate.
Madeline Westen: Someone needs your help, Michael.
Michael Westen: [voice-over] Bottom line: until you figure out who burned you, you're not going anywhere.

Sam Axe: ["Characters Welcome" crossover ad with "Royal Pains": Sam's drinking a mojito when Evan R. Lawson calls him on his cellphone] Evan! How's HankMed?
Evan R. Lawson: Forget HankMed. One word: "Spyami."
Sam Axe: "Spyami?"
Evan R. Lawson: The future #1 spy-for-hire agency in all of South Florida.
Sam Axe: [incredulous] Uh-huh?
Evan R. Lawson: Just imagine benches and T-shirts and coffee mugs! We're going to be rich but it's going to be amazing!
Sam Axe: Oh no, I'm going into a canyon here in Miami.
[makes garbled noises]
Evan R. Lawson: I'm going to call you right back. You stay right there. I'm going to call you right back.