Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road (2006 TV Special)

Jeff Foxworthy: Self

Quotes 

• Jeff Foxworthy : This one goes out to the younger ones out there. If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no "gangsta", pull your pants up! Your back pockets should not be behind your knees!

• [Jeff's picture has been Photoshopped into a gay pride parade] 

  Bill Engvall : What's with the glasses?

  Ron White : You look at that photo and the GLASSES bother you? What about the two sailors in assless chaps? Did you notice them, Bill?

  Jeff Foxworthy : [to Bill, through a fit of laughter]  He's got a point.

• [taking his wife deer hunting] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : She would not shut up the entire time. We're walking through the woods, and she's like "It is so dirty out here. I cannot believe leaves and sticks are everywhere. Can you believe how dirty it is? Nobody ever cleans this up? Oh, God, look at that. I got mud on my new boots. Oh, I hope that comes out. I love these little boots. You know, they were originally a hundred and twenty nine dollars, but I got them for fifty-nine ninety-five. You wanna know why? They're last year's boots. I don't think anybody will know, do you? Oh, God, there's a bug on my pants! Get him off, get him off, get him off! Well, don't kill him, he's just a little bug! He's probably looking for his bug family! Here, hold my binoculars, 'cause I gotta straighten my hat up. Are my bangs even? Are they really even, or are you just saying that? Are they even? Does this coat make me look too fat? I don't like this coat. I liked it when I first put it on, but now I think it makes my hips look fat. Don't you think so? Where are all the deer? You said there were going to be deer out here, I don't see one single deer. Is this gonna take a long time? How... how come you're putting your gun in your mouth?"

  [laughter] 

• Jeff Foxworthy : Fashion rule number five. It is okay to wear a t-shirt with nothing written on it. I don't know what it is about rednecks. We never have to write a résumé, because you can learn everything you want to know about us by reading our clothes.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : You give me a redneck man's t-shirt drawer, I can tell you what kind of truck he drives, what radio station he listens to, who he roots for in NASCAR, what he likes to hunt, who his favorite college football team is, his philosophy on life, and where he went on vacation the last twenty-one summers.

  [cheers and applause] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And you give me his windbreaker, I'll tell you what kind of cigarettes he smokes.

• Jeff Foxworthy : Also, with t-shirts, guys, if you weigh more than four hundred pounds, it's not okay to wear a t-shirt that says "No fat chicks."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : You ought to be wearing one that says "I whipped anorexia's ass."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And do *not* wear an "I'm with stupid" t-shirt if you're by yourself.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And if you do, well, I'd say that's right.

• Jeff Foxworthy : If the veins in the back of your legs look like the street map of greater Pittsburgh, you ain't nobody's "babydoll".

• Jeff Foxworthy : If your thighs look like the hood of a white Toyota minivan after a hailstorm, you aren't "juicy".

• Jeff Foxworthy : This one goes out to the fathers and uncles out there. Your shorts should be longer than your underwear! Especially if you wear tighty-whities. No one wants to look over at Uncle Fred and see something that looks like a baby bird.

• Jeff Foxworthy : If your stomach blocks your view of your feet, cover it up! The only people who should be wearing belly shirts are people who don't have bellies. Now those little baby spare tires are kinda cute; tractor tires aren't! Especially if they've got hair on them!

• Jeff Foxworthy : Now, I'm sure alot of you are going, "Jeff, I don't know, when it comes to clothes, if I dress like a supermodel, or a redneck." Well, i have a few clues to help you tell. If the most expensive thing you ever bought at the mall came from the food court, you might wanna pay attention. If your bra is a darker color than your shirt, you might wanna pay attention. If your wife dusts the furniture with your best pair of underwair, you might wanna pay attention. If people can see your butt crack 24/7, you might wanna listen up. If you've mastered the art of putting on makeup with your non-smoking hand... while driving with your knee, you might wanna pay attention. And if your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, some of this might be aimed at you.

• Jeff Foxworthy : I got to tell you, I really appreciate Ron for being a part of this. He had to leave a New Year's Eve party to be here tonight. I'm not saying Ron drinks, but I hugged him and my vision is blurry.

• Jeff Foxworthy : I've got nothing against tattoos. I don't have one myself. If I did, it would be right there next to my watch. It would say "Your wife's birthday is August 2nd, your anniversary is September 18th, don't let Ron White drive your car again."

• Jeff Foxworthy : This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : You know, just huge. I mean, from a distance, she looked like a poodle riding a Hippety-Hop. I mean, like...

  [pantomimes, to raucous laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And there's no telling how big her butt really was, 'cause she had it *packed* in these jeans. I mean, it was crammed in there. I could hear the zipper crying.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : You got the feeling that some night, some guy was going to get her home, get that top button unbuttoned, and that thing was going to come flying out of there like a Navy life raft. You know...

  [pantomimes again] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : But the thing that was intriguing about it was she had this attitude like she was the hottest thing on the planet. And I love big girls that think they're sexy. 'Cause I think guys look at them kind of like we do those rodeo bulls. You know, we're like "I bet I could ride it. But I'd probably get hurt."

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : So anyway, I signed her books for her, and when she went to walk away, she wasn't just walking, she was strutting. I mean, you know, like popping it. And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared she's going to knock over some little kids or something.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm, and he said "That looks like two blue Volkswagens trying to pass each other on a gravel road."

  [laughter] 

• Jeff Foxworthy : This guy's mother-in-law comes to live with them, and she's been living there for about a week, and he comes home one day and she's laying on the floor, and he calls 911 and the ambulance comes and gets her and they take her to the hospital. And he's out in the waiting room, and the doctor comes out after a while, and the doctor said "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news." The guy said "Well, all right, give me the bad news first." He goes "All right. Your mother-in-law is not gonna die." He said "She's had a massive stroke." He said "In fact, she's probably gonna live twenty or thirty more years." He said "The... the problem is this thing has rendered her unable to speak." He said "She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now." He said "It's also disabled her from using her arms, and she can't feed herself." He said "For the next twenty or thirty years, you're gonna have to feed her baby food three times a day." He said "Also, it's made her incontinent. You're gonna have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day of your life." The guy said "Oh, my god." He said "What's the good news?", and the doctor just goes "I'm just kidding with you. She died."

• Jeff Foxworthy : [about his book "The Redneck Dictionary"]  Because of the book, I was doing a lot of book signings, and one of the last ones I did, I did a five hour book signing at a Wal-Mart one Saturday afternoon. And during that five hours, I had a revelation, and that is there's not a whole lot of supermodels shopping at Wal-Mart. It's pretty much just us rednecks, you know? And... and we... we don't wear stuff 'cause some magazine say it's the latest style. We wear stuff because it's comfortable, and if you can't look at it and keep your lunch down, that's your problem. But as kind of a spokesman for this portion of the population, I got to thinking "You know, it has reached the point where we do need a few redneck fashion tips."

• Bill Engvall : [telling their favorite jokes with a traditional setup and punchline]  Ronny, you got a joke?

  Ron White : Nope.

  Bill Engvall : All right.

  [laughter] 

  Jeff Foxworthy : His... his mind's like a Lazy Susan. If you'll just bear with us, it... it'll come back around here in just a minute.