The Promotion (2008)

Seann William Scott: Doug Stauber

Photos 

Quotes 

• [During the motivational retreat, the employees form a circle around the retreat leader. They are instructed to place paper bags over their heads] 

  Retreat Leader : I want you to take off one thing that you don't need... quickly! Come on.

  [Everyone takes off their paper bags, except Richard, who removes his watch. They all stare at Richard, who still has his paper bag over his head] 

  Retreat Leader : Let's take something else off that you really don't need... right away!

  [Richard takes off his shoes as some of the employees begin to laugh] 

  Retreat Leader : Something else you don't need, let's make it happen. Come on!

  [Richard removes his belt while the employees continue to laugh] 

  Retreat Leader : Something else you don't need. Come on, let's go. Something completely unnecessary.

  [Richard turns to his right] 

  Richard : Doug, can we take our sack off?

  Doug Stauber : What?

  [Everyone bursts in laughter] 

  Richard : Did you take your sack off?

  Doug Stauber : I can't really hear you.

  Retreat Leader : If you could take off one more thing you simply do not need. Do it!

  Richard : [whispers]  Fuck!

  [Richard removes his shirt, revealing a tattoo of the band KISS on his chest, to the delight of everyone else] 

  Retreat Leader : Okay, uhhh... all right, everybody that still has a bag on top of their heads, scream, 'My concentration skills need improvement.' One, two, three.

  Richard : My concentration skills need improvement!

  [Everyone bursts into laughter] 

• Doug Stauber : I'm not a lion... I'm a guy.

• Hardy : Hey, Mr. Wehlner.

  Richard : Hey, Hardy. How are you doing?

  Hardy : I'm doing good.

  Richard : What did you do last night?

  Hardy : I went to the movies with my sister.

  Richard : You did?

  Hardy : Yeah.

  Richard : That sounds awesome.

  Hardy : Guess what?

  Richard : What?

  Hardy : I'm growing a mustache.

  Richard : All right. That's cool.

  [offers a handshake] 

  Richard : Hey, Hardy, you're doing a great job at the store here.

  Hardy : Thanks.

  Richard : Keep it up.

  [as Hardy walks away, Richard feels his right hand after shaking it with Hardy and gives an uneasy look on his face. Doug sees this and approaches him] 

  Doug Stauber : What's going on?

  Richard : Oh, nothing. Just... Hardy. It just gets sad, sometimes. Do you know why Hardy's hand is powdered?

  Doug Stauber : Why?

  Richard : These retarded guys... masturbate so much that they rub the skin off their penises. They don't know better, and that they have a hard time not jerking off.

  [Mitch and the board of directors appear behind Richard] 

  Richard : Hey!

  [Richard walks away as Mitch approaches Doug. He watches the conversation from a distance] 

  Mitch : Was he talking about jerking off in the store?

• Doug Stauber : I guess it was me enjoying a rainbow cone to celebrate Richard's racial slur. But I had a feeling he was starting to crack. A couple more little things. He might just fall apart. 'Black apples'? What an a-hole.

• [Following the incident where Doug sprays mace at a gang member, he gives his apology speech to the community] 

  Doug Stauber : We understand that the young men involved in the incident are not good examples of the community, but are troublemakers, who there are a lot of everywhere in this day. The incident was unfortunate for both parties, but we won't let a few bad apples spoil the batch. You can be sure of that. Thank you for coming.