- Denny Crane: Alan, you know, one thing you sometimes forget is, no matter how hard your day, no matter how tough your choices, how complex your ethical decisions, you always get to choose what you have for lunch.
- Alan Shore: Daily, I am amazed at your inexhaustible ability to just live.
- Denny Crane: It's either that or die.
- Ivan Tiggs: I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic.
- Shirley Schmidt: Missy came to my office today.
- Ivan Tiggs: Ah! So just the wine and cheese.
- Alan Shore: Jerry, you're in luck. Mr. Kupfer is my favorite opposing counsel. He's smart, eloquent, a pleasure to watch, and every time I go up against, him he obligingly loses.
- A.D.A. Douglas Kupfer: You know, if the U.S. really wanted to torture detainees, they could sentence them to be you for a day. I imagine it's excruciating.
- Alan Shore: You have no idea.
- Denny Crane: Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung all on the same day.
- Shirley Schmidt: My God, we have the fastest water cooler in town. I feel like such a fool.
- Denny Crane: Ah, forget it. If anyone knows about being a fool it's Denny Crane.