Mystery Science Theater 3000 (TV Series)

The Painted Hills (1993)

Trace Beaulieu: Crow T. Robot, Dr. Clayton Forrester

Quotes 

• Narrator : Don't let this happen to you!

  Crow T. Robot : Don't change a tire with your face.

• Crow T. Robot : I'm late for my Hitler youth meeting.

• Crow T. Robot : What's Rutherford B. Hayes doing in this movie?

• Crow T. Robot : So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves?

• Crow T. Robot : Alright new rule. No crusty old evangelists.

• Crow T. Robot : Here are a few highlights from the administration of Rutherford B. Hayes. Thomas Edison invented the pornograph, beginning the age of pornography. President Hayes then passed the Hayes, act started the Hayes Office, won fame as an American lyric tenor and was named Archbishop of New York in 1919. After he retired, he founded the original ZZ Top with James Garfield and Chester Allen Arthur.

• Crow T. Robot : The old man never said that.

  Tom Servo : You can't flash back to something that never happened. That's not fair.

• Dr. Clayton Forrester : [to a seemingly dead Frank]  Frank I'd love to revive you, but how can I? I don't have enough power for the defibrillator!

• [Crow commenting on Taylor's rapidly graying hair] 

  Crow T. Robot : Oh, no. I'm turning into Victor French!

• Pete : The Lord be with you in all your labors.

  Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo , Joel Robinson : And also with you.

• [a closeup of a smiling Jonathan during the montage] 

  Crow T. Robot : [quoting from previous experiment "The Day the Earth Froze"]  The world is dying!

• Crow T. Robot : Now, is this the real Old West, or the Roy Rogers Old West where they had electricity and cars?

• [during one of the host segments; Crow is now a mangled pile] 

  Crow T. Robot : [whining]  Joel! Servo melted me down and turned me into a gold ingot! And it itches.

• [Taylor and Jonathan make their way up the mountain where Taylor plans to kill him] 

  Crow T. Robot : [as Taylor]  Come on, how stupid are you feelin' today?

  Joel Robinson : Wow, he's really making him work for his death!

• Dr. Clayton Forrester : [on what the Cholester-do-all can do]  I can run a blender, and a toothbrush, and a room fan, and a radio, and a garage door opener and an arc welder! Well, at some point, this will kill Frank, but I think it's worth it. And E.K.-Gee, does it work great!

• [Tommy arrives back at the cabin looking very much like actress Kim Darby from the original "True Grit"] 

  Crow T. Robot : [as Kim Darby]  I'm looking for a man with true grit!

• Lin Taylor : Jonathan is dead, son.

  Joel Robinson : And I helped.

  Lin Taylor : He was working up in the canyon and he fell.

  Crow T. Robot : After I pushed him.

  Lin Taylor : It was an accident.

  Tom Servo : Shep told me to kill him.

  Lin Taylor : Two days ago, I found his body.

  Joel Robinson : And I laughed.

  Tommy : Shep?

  Tom Servo : Shep doesn't like you anymore, Tommy. She told me.

• Gypsy : Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow.

  Crow T. Robot : Thank you Gypsy. I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You.

  Gypsy : Tom Servo,

  Tom Servo : Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you,

  Gypsy : And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict.

  Joel Robinson : Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right.

  Crow T. Robot : Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right!

  Tom Servo : Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue.

  Joel Robinson : Well, how's that?

  Tom Servo : A spitting contest!

  [Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy] 

  Gypsy : Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey!