Jack May credited as playing...
Igor • Hawkeye Soammes
- Igor: Milord?
- Count Duckula: [indicating glass filled with red fluid] Would you mind telling me just what is the meaning of *this*?
- Igor: Has it gone *off*, milord?
- Count Duckula: What?
- Igor: *Bad*, milord.
- Count Duckula: [indicating glass filled with red fluid] Igor, I know what off is! This stuff was was never *on* in the first place! You know what this stuff is!
- Igor: [indignant] But of course, milord! It is blood!
- Count Duckula: Buh-lood! Exactly! And would you mind telling me just what it is doing in my refrigerator?
- Count Duckula: I thought you might care for a nice aperitif, milord.
- Count Duckula: [mishears "aperitif" as "a pair of teeth"] No, Igor, I would not! I'm quite happy with my beak! Thank you!
- [chuckles]
- Count Duckula: Now, what were we talking about?
- Igor: [indicating blood] *That*, milord.
- Count Duckula: Oh, yes of course. And
- [dropping the glass]
- Count Duckula: -AAAGH! Blood!
- Igor: [cheerfully] Yes , milord! And an excellent vintage, too!
- Count Duckula: That's enough, Igor! Now listen! I do not want to see blood, blech, in my refrigerator ever again! Never, no more, never, no way, no how, *never*!
- Count Duckula: Get it?
- Igor: Yes, milord!
- Count Duckula: Got it?
- Igor: Yes, milord.
- Nanny: [Igor is wearing a dress as a disguise] Well! Whatever next? I'm surprised at you, Mr. Igor, what *can* you be thinking of? Wearing frocks in front of guests! I don't know, I really don't!
- Igor: [humiliated] Oh, Nanny, I... I mean it's-it-it's not what you think!
- Nanny: I should hope not!
- Igor: You see, I... oh, the ignominy!
- [weeps]
- Mrs. Bludgeon: [seeing Duckula] That him, then, is it?
- Nanny: That's him. Bless him.
- Mrs. Bludgeon: Looks to me like he could do with a bit of building up.
- Nanny: Well yes, that's what I says, but he's apt pernickety about his food, aren't you, eh? He says it how he's a "veggie-matarian"!
- Mrs. Bludgeon: Oh, really?
- Nanny: That's right!
- Mrs. Bludgeon: [blustery] Well, I never heard of - like - I don't hold with that sort of thing!
- Nanny: No. Don't have no trouble getting him to eat his greens, but he won't touchnothin' else!
- Igor: More's the pity.
- Igor: [Duckula has weapons planted on him and is holding a knife and a gun] Ooh, Milord, what *can* these weapons portent? Have you finally come to your senses?
- Count Duckula: No Igor, I have not. I mean I have. No, I mean, what I mean is, I mean have you got any explanation for these?
- Igor: [pointing to the knife in Duckula's grip] Well, milord, this one is used for...
- Count Duckula: No, Igor. I know what they're for, I want to know what they're doing in the castle.
- Hawkeye Soammes: [Von Goosewing has met with two detectives under an alias] So, your great aunt Gretchen has been murdered, you say?
- Von Goosewing: That is correct.
- [pretends to be distressed]
- Von Goosewing: Poor, poor auntie Gretchen.
- Hawkeye Soammes: And you have reason to believe it was a certain Count Duckula who committed the foul deed?
- Von Goosewing: Of this I am sure! But I must have someone to help me prove it.
- Dr. Potson: So naturally you immediately thought of the greatest detective the world has ever known, what?
- Hawkeye Soammes: Yes, thank you Potson. Very well, Herr Von Edelweiss, I agree to take on the case.
- Von Goosewing: Oh, I am most grateful!
- [chuckles quietly]
- Von Goosewing: Duckula! Your days are numbered! Soon, you monster, you will be no more!
- Dr. Potson: I say, I say, steady, old chap, blood pressure and all that.
- Hawkeye Soammes: [traveling to the castle] Aha! I believe we near our journey's end, Potson!
- Hawkeye Soammes: Yeah, what's that, sir?
- Dr. Potson: Unless my eyes deceive me, that gruesome looking *pile* up there is Castle Duckula!
- Hawkeye Soammes: Oh, amazing, Soames! Ha ha, amazing, how did you deduce *that*?
- Dr. Potson: Elementary, my dear Potson, cast your gaze upon the signpost yonder.
- Dr. Potson: Hmm? Oh.
- [reading the sign]
- Dr. Potson: "Castle Duckula, not far to go now!"
- Hawkeye Soammes: [there is a large pile of bloodstained artifacts] Hm. Yes. I see. All pretty conclusive, I'd say. We have here the murder weapons and several bloodstained effects. Yes. Not much doubt about it. Everything points in one direction.
- Count Duckula: Oh, and what direction would that be, huh?
- Hawkeye Soammes: Count Duckula, I arrest you in the name of the law for the callous and coldblooded murder of Frau Gretchen Von Edelweiss!
- Count Duckula: [Igor is dressed in a dress to convince the detectives that he is Gretchen Von Edelweiss] Allow me to present Frau Gretchen Von Edelweiss.
- Dr. Potson: Huh, what? Frau Gretchen Von- uh, Soames. What's going on?
- Igor: [in a falsetto voice] - Always a pleasure to meet any friend of...
- Count Duckula: Dear, sweet, kind...
- Igor: Dear, sweet, kind...
- Count Duckula: Lovable, generous, and uh, handsome...
- Igor: [growls angrily under his breath] lovable, generous, and handsome Count Duckula.
- Dr. Potson: Friends, madam? I rather think not.
- Igor: Oh dear, not more brush salesmen.
- Dr. Potson: Certainly not! Do we look like brush salesmen?
- Igor: Well, yes, I have to admit that you *do*, rather.