South Park (TV Series)

A Ladder to Heaven (2002)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Randy Marsh, News Reporter, Mr. Garrison, Alan Jackson, Man in Crowd #1, Interviewee #2, Nobunaga Hiroichi, Man in Crowd #2, George Bush, Interviewee #4, Stephen, Indian Representative, U.N. Member #2, God

Quotes 

• Mr. Garrison : A ladder to heaven, that's fuckin' stupid.

• George Bush : Ladies and gentlemen of the UN. We have evidence that Saddam Hussein is up there building weapons of mass destruction. We have tried to communicate with Saddam through a psychic, to ask him to let us see his warehouses in heaven, but he has not responded.

  [Silence from the delegates] 

  Indian UN delegate : Of course he has not responded, because he's dead!

  [Bangs his fist on the table] 

  George Bush : Right. Dead and in heaven.

  UN delegate #1 : This is preposterous! Even if there was a heaven, what makes you think Saddam Hussein's soul would be sent there?

  George Bush : Our intelligence tells us that when Saddam was originally killed, his soul actually went to hell. But while in hell, he began a homosexual relationship with Satan, the Prince of Darkness. Satan, however, decided he didn't want to be with Hussein anymore, and broke up with him around August. When Saddam became yealous and tried to kill Satan's new lover, Chris, Satan had Saddam sent to heaven to live with Mormones as a punishment.

  [Stunned silence] 

  George Bush : Questions?

  [One man raises his hand] 

  George Bush : Yes?

  UN delegate #2 : Are you high, or just incredibly stupid?

  George Bush : I assure you I am not high.

• Eric Cartman : Alright, look. I didn't want to have to say this, but I think maybe we're not seeing Heaven because *one* of us doesn't believe in it enough.

  Kyle Broflovski : Huh?

  Eric Cartman : Heaven could be like the Pixie-Faries of Bubble-Yum Forest: you only see them if you really believe in them.

  Stan Marsh : What?

  Eric Cartman : You know, maybe we're not seeing Heaven because one of us is a J-O-O...?

  Kyle Broflovski : [Beat]  What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

  Eric Cartman : Because Jews don't believe in Heaven!

  Kyle Broflovski : Yes, we do! Just not the Christian Heaven.

  Eric Cartman : Right; your idea of Heaven is getting five dollars off your matzoh ball soup at Barney's Beanery by lying about a hair in it.

  Kyle Broflovski : YAAAAAAH!

  [Punches Cartman] 

• Carol McCormick : You see, boys, Kenny's in here.

  [pours out a bit, but the remains are white] 

  Carol McCormick : Huh?

  [pours a bit onto her hand] 

  Carol McCormick : Wait a minute; this is kitty litter!

  Eric Cartman : All right. All right. I drank the chocolate milk mix and replaced it with kitty litter.

  Stuart McCormick : [shocked]  You what?

  Stan Marsh : [shocked]  Dude! Don't you know what this means? You drank Kenny!

  Eric Cartman : Shut up!

  Kyle Broflovski : [shocked]  You did, dude; you drank his whole body!

  Eric Cartman : Shut up!

  Carol McCormick : [almost crying]  Oh my god, this is awful... and disgusting!

• Eric Cartman : Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?

• God : Saddam, I've been hearing rumors that you're building nuclear weapons up here.

  Saddam Hussein : No, God, I'm building a chocolate chip factory.

• Stan Marsh : [angry, having found out that Cartman drank Kenny's remains]  Well, so much for our winning ticket! Cartman probably drank that with the rest of Kenny!

• Stan : Maybe you have brain cancer.

  Eric Cartman : You think so?

  Kyle Broflovski : Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman. You might fall off and break it.

• Eric Cartman : I... I can't live like this. I have to find a place where they remove living souls from your body...

  [after finding out he drank Kenny's ashes; next scene: the outside of an Unplanned Parenthood building] 

• News Reporter : Do you actually believe in the ladder to heaven?

  Man in crowd #1 : If heaven is an eight year old boy... and the ladder is my penis.

• Eric Cartman : Poor people don't have anything better to do than piss other people off.

• Alan Jackson : [singing]  Where were you when they decided heaven was a more intangible idea and couldn't...

  [notices many people leaving] 

  Alan Jackson : [embarrassed]  ... you couldn't really get there?

  [Alan Jackson lividly walks to Cartman, Stan and Kyle with a truck load of candy] 

  Alan Jackson : [yells angrily]  YOU LITTLE BASTARDS RUINED MY LATEST SONG!

  [Alan Jackson slams his guitar down to the ground and breaking it into pieces before leaving]