- Jane Lane: Condition people to expect nothing and the least little something gets them all excited, ask Pavlov.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: The custodian?
- Jane Lane: Whoa. Never mind. Return to your world, and I'll return to mine.
- Sandi Griffin: I'm concerned about Quinn; We need someone close to her to make her see the error of her ways.
- Tiffany Blum-Deckler: But who?
- Sandi Griffin: I have a plan, We'll talk to that girl she knows.
- Stacy Rowe: You're so smart, Sandi.
- Sandi Griffin: And you'll notice I don't make like a big thing about it.
- Tiffany Blum-Deckler: But that girl is so weird. She freaks me out.
- Sandi Griffin: That's why I'm the president of the Fashion Club. I'll handle her.
- [Walks up to Daria and stares at her]
- Sandi Griffin: Uh... uh-umm... er...
- [walks away]
- Sandi Griffin: .
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Mom, Dad, making you happy is the greatest reward I could ask for. Of course, when other kids get a good grade, they sometimes get, like, a little present.
- Helen Morgendorffer: Now, Quinn, I really think...
- Jake Morgendorffer: [Interrupts] I'll handle this. You're absolutely right, sweetheart. You got an A, you should be rewarded. Here you go!
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Thanks, dad.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Wait, isn't that a double standard?
- Jake Morgendorffer: Huh?
- Daria Morgendorffer: You just gave her a twenty for getting one A. What about all the As I get for free?
- Jake Morgendorffer: Yeah, but this is a special occasion, so Quinn gets a special reward; It's a motivational thing.
- Daria Morgendorffer: But won't that demotivate your other daughter whose work is consistently good?
- Helen Morgendorffer: Yes, Jake, where are you going with this?
- Jake Morgendorffer: I wasn't finished. Daria should have a consistent reward for her consistently good work.
- Quinn Morgendorffer: Hey!
- Jake Morgendorffer: And Quinn should have a special one time reward for her one time effort.
- Daria Morgendorffer: But what about a higher reward for maintaining a standard of excellence over time, perhaps with compound interest?
- Jake Morgendorffer: ...
- [Tosses his wallet to Helen]
- Jake Morgendorffer: Here, just take it! Helen, I told you I was no good at this parenting crap!
- Quinn: Yeah, I might do writing for a career. It's not like real work or anything.
- Sandi: Really. I mean, how hard it is to type stuff?
- Quinn: And there are lots of opportunities. Like, did you know they pay money for those poems in greeting cards?
- Stacy Rowe: Oh no! I've been giving away my poems for free!
- Daria: [Daria puts her head in her locker] Do me a favor.
- Jane: Yeah?
- Daria: Close my locker.
- Daria: For your purposes, "existential" means pseudo-intellectual poser with accessories from the Street Fair.
- Sandi: You're officially ordered to take a fashion sabbatical until you get your priorities straight.
- Daria: You must be very excited about what people are calling you.
- Quinn: What?
- Jane: Brains Morgendorffer.
- Quinn: Come on, because of one little essay?
- Daria: It's a slippery slope. Behold, the future.
- [Gestures to a table of geeks, one of whom is blowing milk out of his nose and making everybody else laugh]
- Quinn: Ew!
- Jane: Last week, they were trying out for football, then they won one debate tournament.
- Quinn: What am I gonna do? I can't be a brain! My friends will hate me!
- Daria: Yes, but just think of all the new friends you'll make in Chess Club.
- Sick, Sad World Announcer: Could a renegade surgeon transplant your brain while you sleep? The frightening truth next, on Sick, Sad World!
- Daria Morgendorffer: [Talking to Jane about Mr. O'Neill's suggesting that Quinn tutor Daria on her writing] I should've said I don't need tutoring to write like her, just some big crayons.
- Jane Lane: By the way, anything eating away at your soul?
- Daria Morgendorffer: Her writing is BAD. Don't people know the difference between good and bad?
- Jane Lane: She's cute, there are different standards for cute people.
- Daria Morgendorffer: You mean no standards.
- Daria Morgendorffer: The thing is, if she's a brain, what do I get to be?
- Jane Lane: You're still a brain.
- Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, but she's a brain with bouncy hair; I can't compete.
- Quinn: Um... I was wondering if...
- Daria: I don't think so.
- Quinn: I just need a little help with my essay. Like, could you write it for me?
- Daria: And what's my motivation again?
- Quinn: Come on, Daria. We're sisters. We gotta stick together.
- Daria: Unless we're in public, you mean.
- Quinn: But you're so smart, and this essay's so important. Believe me, I *would* do it myself, but I have a date.
- Daria: [sarcastic] Oh, that's different. When does the subject of compensation come up?
- Quinn: Ten?
- Daria: Twenty.
- Quinn: Fifteen.
- Daria: Done.
- Quinn: Thanks, Daria. This is gonna work out for both of us. I mean I get my essay written, and for once, you have something to do on Friday night instead of sitting around like a loser, you know?
- Daria: [scowls] That's it, Shakespeare! Do your own damn homework!