Blackadder Goes Forth (TV Series)

Captain Cook (1989)

Tony Robinson: Private S Baldrick

Photos 

Quotes 

• [First lines] 

  Captain Blackadder : Baldrick, what are you doing out there?

  Private Baldrick : I'm carving something on a bullet, sir.

  Captain Blackadder : What are you craving?

  Private Baldrick : I'm carving "Baldrick", sir.

  Captain Blackadder : Why?

  Private Baldrick : It's part of a cunning plan, sir.

  Captain Blackadder : Of course it is.

  Private Baldrick : You know how they say that somewhere there's a bullet with your name on it?

  Captain Blackadder : Yes?

  Private Baldrick : Well I thought that if I owned the bullet with my name on it, I'll never get hit by it. Cause I'll never shoot myself...

  Captain Blackadder : Oh, shame!

  Private Baldrick : And the chances of there being *two* bullets with my name on it are very small indeed.

  Captain Blackadder : Yes, it's not the only thing that is "very small indeed". Your brain for example- is brain's so minute, Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

• General Melchett : Are you looking forward to the big push?

  Private Baldrick : No sir, I'm absolutely terrified.

  General Melchett : The healthy humor of the honest tommy. Don't worry my boy, if you should falter, remember that Captain Darling and I are behind you.

  Captain Blackadder : About thirty-five miles behind you.

• General Melchett : [to Baldrick]  Ah, tally-ho, yippety-dip and zing zang spillip! Looking forward to bullying off for the final chukka?

  Captain Blackadder : Permission to speak.

  [Baldrick is silent] 

  Captain Blackadder : Answer the General, Baldrick!

  Private Baldrick : [whispers]  I can't answer him, sir, I don't know what he's talking about.

• Captain Blackadder : I can't believe I've been so stupid.

  Private Baldrick : Yeah, that is strange cause normally, I'm the stupid one.

• Private Baldrick : You know my dad was a nun.

  Captain Blackadder : No he wasn't.

  Private Baldrick : He was too, sir. Cause whenever he was up in court and the judge asked "occupation", he'd say "none".

• Captain Blackadder : Hmm, do you know what this is, Lieutenant?

  Lieutenant George : It's a good old service revolver.

  Captain Blackadder : Wrong. It's a brand new service revolver, which I've suspiciously been sent without asking for it. I smell something fishy, and I'm not talking about the contents of Baldrick's apple crumble.

  Lieutenant George : That's funny sir, because we didn't order those new trench-climbing ladders either.

  Captain Blackadder : New ladders?

  Lieutenant George : Yes, came yesterday. I issued them to the men, and they were absolutely thrilled.

  [calls to Baldrick] 

  Lieutenant George : Isn't that right men?

  Private Baldrick : Yes sir, first solid fuel we've had since we burned the cat.

• Private Baldrick : Rat au Van, Sir.

  Captain Blackadder : Rat au Van, Baldrick?

  Private Baldrick : Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been

  Captain Blackadder , Private Baldrick : Run over by a van.

  Private Baldrick : Yes Baldrick.

• Captain Blackadder : All right, total and utter quiet, do you understand? So for instance if any of us crawl over any barbed wire they must on no account goaaAAAAAAAAAAHH!

  Private Baldrick : Have you just crawled over some barbed wire sir?

  Captain Blackadder : No Baldrick, I just put my elbow in a blob of ice cream.

  Private Baldrick : Oh, that's all right then.

  Captain Blackadder : Now, where the hell are we?

  Lieutenant George : Well, it's difficult to say, we appear to have crawled into an area marked with mushrooms.

  Captain Blackadder : [patiently]  What do those symbols denote?

  Lieutenant George : Pfff. That we're in a field of mushrooms?

  Captain Blackadder : Lieutenant, that is a military map, it is unlikely to list interesting flora and fungi. Look at the key and you'll discover that those mushrooms aren't for picking.

  Lieutenant George : Good Lord, you're quite right sir, it says "mine". So, these mushrooms must belong to the man who made the map.

  Captain Blackadder : Either that, or we're in the middle of a mine-field.

  Private Baldrick : Oh dear.

  Lieutenant George : So, he owns the field as well?