- [reading a sign on the train]
- Vyvyan: "Do not lean out of the window." I wonder why?
- [he does so and is decapitated]
- Bambi: And what is the chemical equation...
- Miss Money-Sterling: [presses her buzzer] I've got a Porsche!
- Bambi: Yes, well, that's not exactly what I've got written on the card but I knew your father so Footlights lead by 25 to none.
- Miss Money-Sterling: Daddy sends hugs.
- Train Driver: [singing] Revolutionary biscuits of Italy / Rise up out of your box / You have nothing to lose but your wafers / Yum yum yum yum yum...
- Vyvyan: [Taking out a book] Well, I've done my revision.
- Mike: The Daily Mirror Book of Facts: Did You Know?
- Neil: Do you think that's where they get the questions from? The world's record for stuffing marshmallows up one single nostril...
- Vyvyan: Ehhh... 604, Toxteth O'Grady, USA.
- Neil: Yeah, right! World's stickiest bogey?
- Vyvyan: Ha! Tried to fool me. That's Toxteth again!
- Rick: The World's Stupidest Bottom-Burp: Vyvyan, Britain!
- Neil: It says "Rick" here.
- Security Guard: Hang On, What's that?
- Vyvyan: It's my mascot.
- Security Guard: A pig?
- Vyvyan: No!
- Security Guard: It is.
- Vyvyan: It's not, it's a ferret. A severely deformed ferret, I'll grant you that. So severely deformed in fact that it looks a little bit like a pig.
- Security Guard: Looks exactly like a pig.
- Vyvyan: Yes, well, it certainly has been remarked upon. In fact, just as John Hurt is known as the Elephant Man, Bacon Sandwich here is known as the Pig Ferret.
- Security Guard: Bacon Sandwich? Funny name for a ferret, isn't it?
- Vyvyan: Ha ha! And that's where I had you fooled. Because it's not a ferret, it's a pig.
- [taking on the persona of Mike]
- Vyvyan: As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up."
- Bambi: He represented the modal cathartic slipwit of the...
- [buzzer]
- Bambi: Footlights, Monty.
- Lord Monty: Wasn't it... Monk D'Wally de Honk?
- Bambi: Can you give me any more?
- Lord Monty: Certainly. Will £50 do?
- Bambi: Absolutely. Spot on.
- Rick: [stands up from the table] Why don't you like me?
- Vyvyan: Cos you're a complete bastard
- Rick: Vyvyan, I'm being serious
- Vyvyan: So am I. You're a complete bastard and we all hate you.
- Rick: [chuckles and places hands on hips] I find that very difficult to believe.
- Vyvyan: You wanna bet on it? I'll put down a fiver.
- Neil: Yea I will too.
- Mike: Count me in.
- Mike: Rick, he threw us off the train because you said ASLEF was an anagram for "total and complete bastard."
- Neil: Ah I wished we'd missed the train after all now. I'm not going to be answering anything, I just know it.
- Rick: Oh come off it Neil you little swotty-pants! God, just look at you. Swatting away for teacher like a total spazmo! God you're really just an utter creep aren't you? You've done loads and load of work for this, and I haven't done anything. Nothing at all! Go on... test me!
- Neil: What?
- Rick: Go on, test me!
- Neil: You just said you hadn't done anything.
- Rick: Stop trying to be clever, just take the book!
- Neil: Alright. But verbatim regurgitation is against my principles.
- Rick: I'm asking you to test me on it, not throw up on it! Alright, now do it properly and don't skip it.
- Neil: O-Level history notes?
- Rick: Yes! Bit of pretty bloody brilliant luck eh? We're doing exactly the same period as I did for O-Level.
- Neil: [reading from Rick's notebook] "Prick is a wonker, signed the rest of the class."
- Rick: Ha ha, yes, ha ha, no that was sort of an in-joke that we had in my form. Actually I was incredibly popular and everyone thought I was great.
- Neil: [continues reading] "... I agree with the rest of the class, signed teacher."
- Rick: [quickly turns to another page] Just test me on the stuff will you?
- [points]
- Rick: There.
- Neil: Alright, alright. Don't get uncool and heavy.
- [reads from a lesson]
- Neil: "Crop rotation in the 14th century."
- Rick: Right!
- [reciting]
- Rick: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."
- Neil: [interrupts] "Considerably more."
- Rick: What?
- Neil: It's "considerably more widespread" not "much more".
- Rick: Well?
- Neil: Well you said do it properly.
- Rick: Well not that much you stupid, bloody hippie!
- Neil: You said do it properly and don't skip bits! How was I to know that wasn't important?
- Rick: WELL IT WASN'T IMPORTANT! Alright? Now shall we just get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. Crop rotation in the 14th century was *considerably* more widespread after... God I know this... um... don't tell me... after... 1172!
- [Neil is silent and just looks at Rick]
- Rick: Well, was I right?
- [speaking to Bambi, the host of "University Challenge"]
- Vyvyan: I liked the part where you shoved the drill in the virgin otter's face.
- Neil: That wasn't in BAMBI, Vyvyan.
- Vyvyan: It was in the sequel, "Bambi Goes Crazy Ape Bonkers with his Drill and Sex"
- Neil: Is that true Bambi? Did you do a Disney Nasty?
- [Vyvyan's head has come off after he stuck it out of a train window. His head is now lying on the ground beside the track, calling his headless body over]
- Vyvyan: You took your time, you bastard!
- [his body starts kicking his head down the track like a ball]
- Vyvyan: I myself have three pairs of socks, and three pairs of knickers. That means I've only worn them... 269 times each since the last wash.
- Bambi: Hello and welcome to another edition of University Challenge. This week, the teams represent Footlights College, Oxbridge.
- Footlights Supporters: Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
- Bambi: Yes, that's the spirit. And, Scumbag College.
- SPG: Ooh, aye! Up Scumbag! Up Scumbag!
- [the Footlights supporters boo. SPG the hamster moves up to a teddy bear held by one of the Footlights supporters]
- SPG: See you, teddy bear! C'mere!
- [he headbutts the teddy]
- Rick: You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons of work for this, like a girl, and I'm so hard and street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all, and you've done loads, look at it, loads and loads, loads and loads...
- Neil: Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!
- Rick: ...loads and loads, loads and loads...
- Train Driver: I never really wanted to be a train driver, you know. I mean, they told me while at school, if I got two CSEs, when I left school I'd be head of British Steel. That's a lot of nonsense, ennit? I mean, you look at statistics, right. 83% of top British management have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 93% of the BBC have been to a public school and Oxbridge, right? 98% of the KGB have been to a public school and Oxbridge. All you get from a public school, right. One, you get a top job, right, and two, you get an interest in perverse sexual practices. I mean, that's why British management's so inefficient. As soon as they get in the boardroom, they're all shutting each others' dicks in the door!
- Neil: No, but I didn't think it was important!
- Rick: OK, look, what was the answer then?
- Neil: You just said not to tell you.
- Rick: I did not! I bloody well did not!
- Neil: You did! You did! You said "don't tell me" just before you said "1172"!
- Rick: Yes, but I only meant for a minute!
- Neil: What, a minute from now or a minute from then?
- Rick: Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!
- Neil: Shut up and tell you the answer?
- Rick: [yells] JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!
- Neil: [looks back at the book] "John".
- Rick: Thank you... "John"?
- Neil: Yeah, "John" is the answer.
- Rick: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after... John"?
- Neil: "... Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."
- Rick: Oh, yes! I knew it, I bloody knew it!
- Neil: You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John".
- Rick: You spiteful bastard, Neil! Just because you've done loads and loads of work for this, just because you're a creepy little swot you've done about 15 million tons worth of work, like a girl, and it's because I'm so hard and street and cool that I've done absolutely bugger all,
- [hysterical]
- Rick: and you've done loads and loads, loads and loads, loads and loads and loads, and loads and loads load...
- [making a mess of Neil's papers]
- Neil: Stop it, Rick! It's only University Challenge, Rick, it's only University Challenge!
- Lord Monty, Lord Snot, Miss Money-Sterling, Kendal Mintcake: Rah! Rah! Rah! We're going to smash the oiks!
- [in a Rolls-Royce]
- Lord Monty: You know, it's a rotten shame. I went to see the careers officer in Big College yesterday and he said that all he'd got left was Chairman of British Rail. Well, I wanted to be Director-General of the BBC.
- Lord Snot: Yes, it's rotten. They gave it to Scapper just because he directed our world tour of Hamlet and wrote our hilarious revue "What Ho, Darkie". Honestly, chairman of a nationalised industry. I'd rather be a cabinet minister!
- Kendal Mintcake: Well, I'm all right because my daddy's bought me the Socialist Workers Party for my birthday!
- Miss Money-Sterling: At least we're going to smash the oiks at Scumbag College in University Challenge!
- Lord Snot: We've just got time before my balls drop!
- Neil: Man, this complete stranger came up to me, right, and called me Smelly! This complete stranger shouted 'Smelly' at me! I wouldn't have minded if he was a hundred yards away! I mean, come on, guys, you can tell me truthfully: do I smell?
- Mike: Yes.
- Neil: I mean, come on, guys, I can handle it. Come on, tell me, do I sm -- what do you mean yes?
- Neil: Listen, guys...
- Vyvyan: No no, Neil! You listen! I've been waiting here half an hour! Half a bloody hour, Neil! Being hungry, waiting for my tea and listening to that bogey bub!
- [points at Rick, who sulks]
- Neil: Oh, that's my fault, is it? Oh yeah, it's always my fault! Why didn't you cook your own tea, Vyvyan?
- Vyvyan: Because I do not cook the tea, Neil! You do! That's what we agreed when we first came: you do the cooking, I look after the plants and the goldfish.
- Neil: Yeah... and what did you make me cook on that first day?
- Vyvyan: Sausages. It was a Tuesday.
- Neil: Yeah... sausages and?
- Vyvyan: Sausages and plants and goldfish.