Spencer Breslin: Peter Johnson

Quotes 

• Peter Johnson : You're not dressed for an afternoon of Tchaikovsky and heavy petting.

  Jaye : Ewwwww!

• Peter Johnson : Sorry I tried to steal your woman.

  Eric Gotts : Jaye's not my woman.

  Peter Johnson : She's not?

  Eric Gotts : Uh-uh.

  Peter Johnson : Oh. Think I still have a shot?

  Eric Gotts : Actually, by the time you're old enough to date, she might be ready to stop running, so maybe you do.

  Peter Johnson : What's she running from?

  Eric Gotts : I don't know. It'll take a smarter man than me to answer that.

  Peter Johnson : I'm smarter than you, and I can't solve the riddle that is Jaye.

  Eric Gotts : She is a riddle.

  Peter Johnson : She's the most mysterious girl I've ever known.

  Eric Gotts : She's an enigma.

  Peter Johnson : She's a conundrum.

  Eric Gotts : She's a 10-million-piece sky puzzle.

  Peter Johnson : She's a lifetime of New York Times Sunday crosswords.

  Eric Gotts : She's a Rubik's cube.

  Peter Johnson : [seeing her pull up]  She's here.

  Eric Gotts : In my car.

• Peter Johnson : I can't stop thinking about her.

  Eric Gotts : There's nothing wrong with that. It's normal.

  Peter Johnson : Really?

  Eric Gotts : Yeah.

  Peter Johnson : Why does it have to hurt so bad?

  Eric Gotts : Because you love her, but you know it's impossible to be with her.

  Peter Johnson : Think I'll ever forget her?

  Eric Gotts : She's your mother. She'll always be a part of you.

• Eric Gotts : Do you want me to kick your ass? 'Cause I can. I can do that if you'd like.

  Peter Johnson : Um, I'd rather this not spiral into a whole physical thing, so I'll respectfully decline your offer to kick my ass.

  [Eric takes his baseball bat away] 

  Peter Johnson : How long did you know?

  Eric Gotts : The whole time.

  Peter Johnson : Damn.

  Eric Gotts : Even if you got rid of me, you'd still be left with the biggest obstacle to Jaye's heart.

  Peter Johnson : What's that?

  Eric Gotts : Jaye.

• Dick Johnson : [learning Peter bought a mail-order bride from Russia]  What were you gonna do with her, Peter?

  Peter Johnson : Protect her! That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to protect your wife and keep her safe and make sure she doesn't die.

  Dick Johnson : Peter, she had cancer.

  Peter Johnson : You should've kept her safe. Safe from carcinogens, safe from power lines and microwaves. If you loved her more, you would have kept her safe. If he loved her like I love you.

  Jaye : Okay, that's my other problem.

  Dick Johnson : Peter, you're 12 years old. You don't love this woman.

  Peter Johnson : How would you know? You don't know how to love! That's what's wrong with you! He's a wuss; just like your boyfriend.

  Jaye : If you wanna slap him, I'll totally look the other way.

• Jaye : [kissing Eric]  So, you know when you have, like, that first date and there's all that tension because you've never kissed before? Well, now we can just go out and it can be tension-free.

  Eric Gotts : I, uh... I still have tension.

  Peter Johnson : [approaching as they kiss again]  So, I guess you worked out your differences.

  Jaye : We didn't have any differences.

  Peter Johnson : Congratulations to the victor. I'm gracious enough to admit that the better man has won the girl. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

  [in the background, Eric's car bursts into flames] 

  Peter Johnson : You know, eventually. I may still have issues.

• Jaye : Excuse me, Mr. Johnson? I'd like you to meet your son.

  Peter Johnson : We've met, actually.

  Dick Johnson : What'd you do?

  Peter Johnson : My only sin is love.

  Dick Johnson : What'd he do?

  Jaye : He ordered a wife from Russia.

  Dick Johnson : You bought a woman?

  Peter Johnson : She's my fiancee. Was my fiancee.

  Dick Johnson : Well, where is she now, in some kind of shelter?

  Jaye : She's singing Russian folk ballads at the High and Dry Trailer Park. He was planning on locking her away in the woods where nobody would know about her... or hear her scream.

• Jaye : Stay the hell away from Katya! She didn't pack up her whole life and leave everything behind so she could be with an embryo. She wants a man, a real man.

  Peter Johnson : [a little aroused]  My God, you've got fire.

  Jaye : Yeah, and it's gonna burn you unless you stay away from her. Leave her alone. Forget about her.

  Peter Johnson : I've forgotten about her already.

  Jaye : Good. Each time you start to think of her, think of me instead; my burning fire! Got me?

  Peter Johnson : Uh-huh. Burning fire.

  Jaye : Who are you forgetting about?

  Peter Johnson : I don't remember.

  Jaye : Keep it that way.

• Peter Johnson : [showing up at Jaye's trailer park with a black eye]  Look what your boyfriend did to me.

• Jaye : Hi. We're looking for Peter Johnson.

  Peter Johnson : I'm Peter Johnson.

  Jaye : The other Peter Johnson.

  Peter Johnson : There isn't one. I'm Peter. And you must be Katya, my darling.

  Katya : Oh, no. I need bigger Peter.

• Peter Johnson : My darling Katya, I would never have missed our nuptials, except I got grounded.

  Jaye : What are you, like, five?

  Peter Johnson : 16.

  [Jaye glares suspiciously] 

  Peter Johnson : 15.

  [another glare] 

  Peter Johnson : 14... on my next birthday.

  Katya : He tiny boy.

  Peter Johnson : I'm so sorry, my darling. If I had just cashed in a bond and not used my dad's credit card, I'd be married now instead of grounded.

  Katya : But in JPEG you send, you man, not unripe dumpling.

  Peter Johnson : I used photo-imaging software to age myself. It's how I will look... in 12 to 15 years. But you... you look even better than your JPEG.

  Katya : I send you most intimate photographs.

  Peter Johnson : I know. I made them into my desktop wallpaper.