Caroline Dhavernas: Jaye Tyler

Quotes 

• Jaye : Boo hoo, we all have troubles. Look at me, I'm already 24 and I've never done anything. I have a worthless philosophy degree that's got me no further than a dead end retail job working for a mouth breather so I can continue to support my trailer park lifestyle. Do you think I sit around feeling sorry for myself.

  Vivian Caldwell : God I would if I were you.

• Jaye : The truth? What do you know about the truth? My God. How do you live with yourself? But, then, you don't really, do you? Because you're not even you. And if you're not the person you say you are, then you spent 50 years being a nobody. And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than a somebody that's just a nobody. Or something. The point is, you suck.

• Jaye : And I'd rather be a nobody that's a somebody than somebody that's just a nobody... or something. Point is you suck.

• Vivian Caldwell : Come on, honey. Just accept it. It's too late. You ain't ever gonna get your car out of this metaphor in time.

  Jaye Tyler : It's a mud pit, not a metaphor.

• Taxi Driver : Miss Marcus?

  Vivian Caldwell : That's me.

  Taxi Driver : We better get going if you don't wanna miss your flight. And can I just say it's an honor driving you? My great-aunt Esther was actually there the day you went over the Falls. She talked about it all the time. You were a huge inspiration to her.

  Vivian Caldwell : Well, thank you, dear. Do call me Millie.

  Jaye Tyler : See? Nobody's stuck. You're not living proof anymore. I destroyed the evidence.

  Vivian Caldwell : Maybe that lying old cow was right. Maybe it really is never too late.

  Jaye Tyler : Except in her case, it kinda was.

  Jaye Tyler , Vivian Caldwell : Poor bitch.

  Taxi Driver : Can I maybe get your autograph?

  Vivian Caldwell : Yes, dear.

  [starting to write her own name] 

  Vivian Caldwell : Crap. Let me do that again.

• Eric Gotts : [at a funeral home after Millie dies]  How did you arrange all this?

  Jaye Tyler : Her purse was full of traveler's checks.

  Eric Gotts : Isn't that illegal?

  Jaye Tyler : Probably the least illegal thing we're doing right now.

• Eric Gotts : Millie Marcus taught me that what's most important in life is to be yourself. Even if you have to be somebody else to do it. So, from here on out, you can just call me Eric.

  Jaye Tyler : But, like, with a Q or something?

  Eric Gotts : Nope. Just me. I figure it's not so terrible being Eric. The now Eric, I mean. Then Eric was sad. But Then Eric was then. I'm Now Eric. And don't laugh, but I kinda like it here. I like the barrel. I like slinging cocktails. I like Niagara Falls... and I like you.

  Jaye Tyler : [holding it back]  I'm not laughing.

  Eric Gotts : That's a start.

  Jaye Tyler : Maybe it is.

  Eric Gotts : [taking out a cell phone]  And here's an ending.

  Jaye Tyler : What are you doing?

  Eric Gotts : This phone belongs to Then Eric, so it's going away.

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, my God.

  Eric Gotts : Okay. Here goes. Goodbye to the old life.

  Jaye Tyler : [as he throws it over the falls, it starts ringing]  I'm sure they'll call back.

• Mahandra McGinty : I don't wanna die alone and friendless. Screeching my final testimony into a video camera.

  Jaye Tyler : Um, all right.

  Mahandra McGinty : I'm sorry I went crazy. But I think I know why it happened. You drove me there.

  Jaye Tyler : I made you crazy?

  Mahandra McGinty : Well, it started with all the mumbling. And then this obsession with consciousness and why things talk. I mean, I know you have a... a philosophy degree, but, I mean, come on. And-and-and all these random acts of kindness? Are you feeling guilty about something?

  Jaye Tyler : No! Well... no.

  Mahandra McGinty : So there is something?

  Jaye Tyler : I don't know. I think so. I don't think it's just in my head. I hope it's not just in my head. Or would that be a good thing?

  Mahandra McGinty : I don't know because you won't tell me what it is. And that makes me sad.

  Jaye Tyler : And crazy?

  Mahandra McGinty : Yes, and crazy. Jaye, you used to tell me everything.

  Jaye Tyler : Okay. Okay. Remember when I told you about that little smooshed-face wax lion that talked to me? I didn't make that up. It spoke. And it's not alone. Animals with faces that aren't really alive talk to me and tell me to do things. It's very confusing, and I don't always understand.

  Mahandra McGinty : [not buying it]  So, whenever you're ready to tell me the truth, I'm here to listen.

  Jaye Tyler : [sardonically sarcastic]  I appreciate that.

• Vivian Caldwell : So, now I know what it's like to be Millie.

  Eric Gotts : Because you're wearing her clothes?

  Vivian Caldwell : 'Cause I feel like a fraud.

  Jaye Tyler : Yeah. One of life's little ironies is that you have to continue Millie's lie so you can finally tell the truth. I never said it was a perfect plan, but at least this time it'll be you up on those podiums getting the accolades and signing the autographs.

  Vivian Caldwell : I still have to sign her name.

  Jaye Tyler : 'Fraid so.

• Jaye Tyler : [Mahandra and Millie steal the barrel from Vivian's front yard]  What are you doing?

  Mahandra McGinty : Protecting history.

  Jaye Tyler : You're drunk.

  Mahandra McGinty : And you're a nihilist. Hey, why don't you run and get a Bible and a copy of the Constitution and tear those up too while you're at it?

  Jaye Tyler : Oh, stop it!

  Mahandra McGinty : Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? You'd love it if I just stepped aside and allowed you to destroy one life after another with your truth-covered lie. You may have started this little geriatric war, but I'm gonna finish it.

  Jaye Tyler : What... what war? Eric, why are you helping? What's gotten into you?

  Eric Gotts : Please don't ask me any questions. I'm really not sure what's happening.

• Jaye Tyler : We're gathered here today to say goodbye not only to Then Eric, but to our friend Millie. Or most of her, at any rate. Some of her got on the cash register. But hopefully, it wasn't anything important. Just like an elbow or something. She was a... she may have been a liar, but she'll always be a legend. She lived her life claiming she went over Niagara Falls in a barrel. Now nobody will ever be able to say different.

  [she throws the barrel containing Millie's ashes over the falls] 

  Jaye Tyler : And so history is preserved.

  Eric Gotts : And a legend continues.

  Jaye Tyler : [turning around and bumping into a police officer]  Oh, crap!

  Cop : [writing a ticket]  Littering, $250 fine. Just need your autograph.

• Jaye Tyler : You may be nubby, but I'm not stuck.

• Jaye : Maybe I should have told more people.

  Mahandra : Did you tell anyone?

  Jaye : Not really.